I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN

http://youtu.be/P7IbQyG9PL4
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61 Years ago  this October 17, the Universe welcomed my soul mate, Douglas James Pike into this world.  I can't help but wonder what he would look like today.  As I watch older couples walk through stores or down a street and see them holding hands... I long for his touch as well and wish we were together again.  Sixteen years later, God took him home... and I am so lost without him.

Wishing you a Happy Birthday my love. Wait for me on Brickyard Road... someday we will celebrate it together again... in style

I little new that morning that God
Was going to call your name
In life I loved you dearly
... ... In death I do the same
It broke my heart to lose you
But you did not go alone
For parts of me went with you
The day God called you Home
You left me wonderful memories
Your love is still my guide
And though I cannot see you
I feel you constantly at my side.
Our sweet family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same
But as God calls us
One by one
The chain will link again.

You will always be with me... 

The inability to open up to hope is what blocks trust, and blocked trust is the reason for blighted dreams.

"I cannot believe that the inscrutable Universe turns on our sufferings; surely the strange beauty of the world must somewhere rest in pure joy" ~ Louise Bogan~

Accepting and blessing our circumstances are powerful tools in the process of true transfiguration. In reality, this potent combination is a spiritual elixir that can work the real miracles in our lives. But what exactly do I see as acceptance? The circumstances the Universe has recently placed me in are showing me that acceptance is actually surrendering to what are my circumstances, my feelings, my problems, my financial status, my work, my health (which continues to deteriorate), my relationships with people, the delay of my dreams and even more difficult the delay of my absolute need to be returned to the individual I once was and was born to be.

Last night, as I prayed for wisdom while gazing at a star filled sky with my sweet little shihtzus sleeping on the patio with me, I realized that before any further change can occur in my life that I have to understand that this is the way it is meant to be right now.For me, this surrender is a journey through the dark night of the soul. It has become the silent scream, the whispered prayer, and the quiet tears. It is chanting over and over and over again "it's all right". It is all right as in "You lead, I will follow". It's all right as in "Everything will turn out right if you just let go and follow because this is, quite simply, such a small part of such a very long journey."

Last night, during that dark night of the soul, there was an epiphany. Suddenly I understand that a great deal of my struggles to remain content despite outside circumstances have actually arisen as I stubbornly resisted what was happening to me in my life at the present moment. True, in many cases that same stubbornness has literally keep me physically alive but spiritually and emotionally it prevented me from true growth in my faith and in the Natural Order of things.

I have learned, albeit slowly, that when I surrender to the reality of the situation - when I don't continue to resist, but truly surrender - a softening in my very soul occurs. Its as if the steam of struggle has been allowed to escape from life's immense pressure cooker. Last night, looking at scrapbooks of me and my granddaughter under a star filled sky we shared so many times, I humbly accepted my circumstances and my true position. and I relaxed.

Last night, I reclaimed my center and finally feel the electrical vibrations alter, the rate of my heartbeat dropping down, and my fear dissipating... i am not at the helm any longer; I never was. Finally, I can once again tap into the boundless positive energy of a Universe NOT hell bent on destruction but on rebirth and creation. Surrender illuminates reality and lights the way to the next step where the Universe is waiting to lead me further.

"Our task is to say a holy YES to the real things of our life as they exist"~ Natalie Goldberg" So yes, this is my battered, bruised, torn apart body that will be rebuilt and made even better so that I may be of greater and longer service... and to give love with for a longer lifetime. This happy space of my granddaughter's is now my the recovery room of my heart, taking me back to a time I never really knew - surrounded by dolls, princesses, fairies, and stuffed animals... all helping to reclaim the little girl in a too soon woman's body. This is where I am to learn special lessons so i can be better ... Where I walk with her in memories of snow, petrified forests, Indian Ruins, horseback rides, swimming pools, and cloud gazing.

I now understand, almost intuitively, that I am now past the Maidens Nubile beauty and the Mother's nourishing breasts have been stripped away from me; never to return. The recent thyroid cancer surgery, skin cancers, liver biopsies and my most recent surgery are turning a once pretty body into a road map of scars. But I know they are battle wounds. I will not regret them further.

I am now entering a new stage... even more vibrant, sensual, beckoning...I am entering that long awaited period of stark individuality - what pagans call the Crone (no do not confuse this with physical age or deterioration of body or spirit) -and in many ways, I feel like a baby; alive and filled with wonder. Taking a stronger hand and walking the path with God. A second birth with the knowledge of my talents, skills, true purpose and, most of all, the limits by which my life will now be lived. I understand. I accept. I surrender.

There are two new books to complete writing (both with waiting publisher). A new Real Estate Business to try to build as I sign on with a new broker. A better place of employment to be found that will be more fulfilling and challenging intellectually. I may not be able to hike or travel much right now, but I believe there will be again. And I know that, if the Universe grants me enough time, there will be laughter to share once more with a special granddaughter (our bond was always strong and love filled)... and maybe even with her mother and uncles and cousins once again.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

Blessed be.

A BUDDING FLOWER

A BUDDING FLOWER
(For Jessica as she turns 13)

"Child of Moonbeams and starlight" ...
Is how I have described you to others,
My dearest Jessica.

But,
You are now no longer a child,
Nor are you fully grown
(As if any of us is).

How to now regard you,
My granddaughter of thirteen years?

With love, of course.
And gratefulness that
The God and Goddess of the Universe
Blessed my life with your presence.

And with awe,
In observing the inner beauty
That your physical presence reflects.

Not "fully grown ..."
Yet a full, whole person
With dignity, strong intellect
And passions for nature, learning
and laughter

I have observed from life that
All is experience and growth.

You are surely poised, now,
To experience life to the fullest,
And to grow into the great and wonderful woman
Of which you are now the budding flower.

Happy Birthday to the greatest anniversary present your grandpapa and I ever received. Though we may be kept apart for reasons neither of us fully comprehend... you are with me constantly in heart, mind, and soul. I sent you a birthday card and hope you received it. Put 13 dollars inside.. one for each precious year.

Until I see you once again... know Mom-mom loves you always.

The Music Of His Soul

When they were quite small...we presented all of the children with musical instruments... a guitar to our oldest, a drum set to our middle child, and a piano to our youngest on Christmas morning. During the day, we watched in amazement as the children chose "different instruments" then those Santa had given them. The oldest gravitated to the piano and seemed to have a natural inclination to playing it. Our youngest, our only girl, gravitated to the drums and also seemed to be a natural. But what amazed us most is that our middle child, who gravitated to the guitar... excelled. Years later, when he was around 16, he was voted as the second best guitar player in the state of AZ. I hear him always in my mind... playing and singing songs he wrote himself... the music of his soul.

This poem, dedicated to our middle child, will also be found in the new book I am writing... Dancing With the Spirit of Shadowplay

THE MUSIC OF HIS SOUL

My son’s fingers are like a ballerina in dance
The calluses upon his fingers
Similar to the feet of the dancer
His mother used to be
Strumming the string’s
upon his instrument;
his life.
The music is his soul
His mind is captive
The solitude plays in his head
Profound the words
He writes
He becomes the music
which he gives life to
And so the instrument
and the man
become fixated in my mind
It’s a marriage of two
Which become one
His music will forever play on
In my heart and soul.

Wonderment

My current battle with cancer has slowed me down more than I had thought possible (and much more then I am willing to tolerate.) I will be returning for more surgery, tentatively on August 12) if they can get my blood chemistry leveled up correctly; which will probably also help with the extreme fatigue).

However, this enforced quiet time has allowed me more time for memories and writing. Below will be one of the newer excerpts from my upcoming book Dancing With the Spirits of Shadowplay (my last volume of poetry written by a playful shadow). This poem was inspired by a bitter sweet memory of my oldest son when he was five years old and did not return from school in a timely manner. Frightening at the time, we found him (teachers, Novato Police and me searching for him for almost an hour) in a river about 1/4 mile away which was then raging due to the spring storms. With relief co-mingled with fear, I saw him standing in the middle of this river... his blue raincoat around him and the water raging around his knees. At that time, the mother in me (with the police following us), brought him up and chased him home for breaking the rules...)
Later, peaking in at him and his brother, safely asleep in their bunk beds, I remembered how amazing I thought his joy of life and his curiosity was... this is the poem of that wonderment.

WONDERMENT
(For My Son, Doug)

Terrified, I
found him in the rushing creek,
watched him float twigs
down the tiny falls,
across the narrow brook
that led to the raging river.

Always curious and somewhat defiant
He was the teacher of all things wonderful--
smooth stones,
soft mud,
caterpillars,
cold feet in shallow streams.

Through his eyes, I learned how to wonder again
as butterflies, orange and black,
Monarchs of their world
flitted across the path
and songbirds praised the violet sky.

The world welcomed a new spring day.
With tears of gratitude
And I grew young
along the creek,
in that fading evening light,
through the eyes of a boy just turned five.
And the veiled curtain of
Nature's rain....
 

Stay Warm My Children... stay loved.

Exactly one year ago today.. was the last time I saw you...

No child should be lost,
And no child of mine;
Anger railed at
Life's cold shoulder.

Stay warm, my children.
Stay safe.
Stay, loved.

I carried you,
With your brothers,
All at once;
Keeping you tucked inside me,
Sheer gravity trying to steal you
Too soon.
I willed you all to stay
So you could grow
And be well.

Be warm, my children.
Be safe.
Be loved.

Mommies try too hard sometimes.
Daddies turn their backs
Without ever really turning away.
You don't understand,
And if I did, I surely would tell.
I do rail with you,
But my growing age
Makes me ride the waves
While you try to run on water,
And oft times sink.

Draw nigh and be warm, my children.
Draw nigh and be safe.
Draw nigh and be loved.

You need a hand,
But mine is soft
And full of years.
You need something
I can't seem to find.
My eyes are burning;
Still, I won;t let you drown.
Just hold tight.
There is strength waiting for you,
I am always waiting, just ahead!

Choose warmth, my children.
Choose safety.
Choose love.

And the years will pass
Like leaves in the current.
Step there,
My love is a rock;
And will lodge under your feet
For all days.

Update on health and future.

Finally home, again (hopefully for good this time as I have been going back and forth to the Mayo hospital, surgeons and GP these past two weeks ). This battle has been a rough go... very rough go.

Cancer was found in throat and thyroid. Parathyroids were involved so they are gone too.. :( Radio isotope swallowed, new drug therapy in addition to thyroid drugs to combat cancer has just begun. Seizures and nerve damage due to severe calcium deficiency as they had to take parathyroids too. I am now being assigned to an endocrinologist at the Scottsdale Mayo clinic to assess the metabolic problems, as well as to determine what actions have to be taken in reference to the cancer that has metastised. I am more weak then I have ever been and emotionally and spiritually drained. Bacl to work Monday as I will be out of money. More surgery in the future, around August 14 is the tentative date for this one. and lots of dr appointments. For now, I won another battle. Thank you for prayers and support. God bless..

A VERY special thank you to the following: James Bosworth, Laverne Basham, Betty Adams, Alex Chavez Squires, Kris Wagner, Sarah Ashton, Alex Ashton who have aided me in transportation, dog care, and just supporting me through difficult times, and to my supervisors at ACS. Kudos to my surgeons and the staff at the Phoenix Mayo Hospital... you did great work and I know i am in good hands.

Time Is Mine To Discover for a little while longer

Photo was taken just before surgery. I love how the doctor marked the word YES on my throat... YES... !


This last surgery has probably been the toughest of all and the healing for this one will be longer and much slower then I like (or even want to allow). The thyroid is totally gone and with it the parathyroid's BUT I still have my voice... somewhat softer still but less gravely which will allow me to return to poetry readings sometime in the not too distant future. Another biopsy was performed... this one on the lung and blood chemistry shows nothing is functioning as it should. More surgery is in my not too distant future and I have many meetings with old and new doctors. But, I have time, good friends, laughter, and love. I have life.

During this lengthy healing process I have been able to become a little more introspective, unearthing remnants of memories buried deeply within the fertile soil of the subconscious mind. In some ways, this war I wage with cancer has been helping this 55 year old to excavate her real self.

Christina Baldwin (author of one of my favorite books Life's Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Practice) said "How we remember and what we remember and why we remember form the most personal map of our individuality. I concur with her belief in this area and I think it explains why some people cling to immaturity, anger, resentment or fear... they stop their own introspection far too soon. So, with the help of good friends, some great doctors, and my own faith, I am going to continue this spiritual dig that I know will eventually lead me to discover the Mystery of where my soul abides.

Whether you realize it or not, each of us has lived many lives. and each one has left an indelible mark on our souls. No, dear reader, I am not talking about the metaphysical such as reincarnation. I am referring to the episodic and sometimes cyclical ways in which our lives evolve: childhood, adolescence, university, career, marriage, motherhood, retirement, widowhood, and onward. At each and every stage in our lives we have experienced both laughter and tears. However, even more important for the interests of this topic, we develop personal preferences. Each live experience and how we CHOOSE to view or interpret it, leaves a layer of memory like a deposit of rich sediment: things we have loved and moments of contentment we have cherished that when recalled reveal glimmers of our true selves.

I have known many who are hesitant to recall their past because they are afraid they will dredge up painful memories or have to face some sad realities they would so much prefer not to own. But I believe that just like each new battle with cancer has brought a gift for me if I am but willing to look for it, so too will each painful memory come also bearing a peace offering. In truth, there is nothing to fear for the past only asks to be remembered.

Today and for the days that God lets me have, I expect many things as I sit around the campfire of my heart and you will around yours and if you invite me, I will gladly share with you. Remember, dear reader, that someone is always listening. Someone is always talking to you and encouraging you to take that next step as you embrace the Mystery of your soul.. as I embrace the mystery of mine.

Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonder filled ways for the dry seasons of life are never permanent.

Blessed be.

NATURES SHADOW.

In the shadows of
this foreboding storm,
thundering, echoing
lighting darkened sky
I ponder the truth of a chrysalis- beyond an enchanted dream
Suddenly my life is wonder filled for a transforming arty scheme
A "Free bird" amidst a rainbow canvas,
a work divine
Intoxicating breath of heaven, on sweet well water wine

Delicately woven intricacy
of nature’s luminous parfait
Even as the wonder of a waning summer
brings an elegant bouquet
It’s easy to dance with "Heavenly Wings"
Letting-go of the old for new 'exciting' things

Caught-up in the moment,
the beauty of Nature's word is true
The “Goddess of second chances” creates all things new
Now, like the butterfly, the old is left for dead
Enraptured by living scenes of beauty and wise words said

Liberated to limitless heights, free to soar and roam
With every negative there is a positive; now I rest at home
Humankind , symbolic of a butterfly, "here today and gone tomorrow"
We need truth and thankful days ,
while surrendering ourselves
to the Natural ways....

Bonnie Pike; from Shadows of Love 2/2011

Letting Go

As I prepare to face the greatest battle of my war with cancer on July 1, I have been spending more time with my counselor and with my spiritual advisor. We have talked so much over these past two months in particular, as I have taken in old records, old letters, what remains of old journals, new letters, losses, failures, joys, and successes. The past year has probably brought me the most pain and the greatest sense of what I have been to so many... I struggled this past year to get people to speak openly, to be direct, to view facts not fiction and to remember not just the bad but the good. I struggled to make them remember how much I love them. I longed for them to love me and to know that there is a definite place between fact and fiction. I have struggled to hold on to what was never mine at all. What I have finally learned, in both this battle for life I face (mostly now on my own ((by choice)) and for love is that it is time for me to let go grounded firmly in reality.

Letting go:

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you,coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said "...they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person or that you do not love them, care about them or need them. It just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something.. Today, I've finally received the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift I am told, Oh, it's not that your or I am leaving them, I am simply letting go; Father Craig has told me it's about being faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much painful effort, I don't need it.

So today Let go~

Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ....... LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you. LET IT GO!!! (To me anger is a wasted emotion that suck all the energy out of the room)

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... ..

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs ortalents

LET IT GO!!!

If you! u have a bad attitude.... ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a newlevel in Him.........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help

themselves.. ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ............

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

'The Battle is God's !'

For those you love, always will love, for those you must let go and forgive, join me in The Lords Prayer

Our Father, who are in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom

Come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this

day, our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive

those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but

deliver us from evil.

For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever.

Amen.

God bless.

Time for me to let go

And Let God.

Embrace Your Passion...

I was remembering today when I first decided I wanted to be a writer, and I believe I was about 8 years old when I first started writing stories and poems. I know by 12, thanks to a teacher in Albion Central High School, I first began experiencing the exhilaration and absolute fear of being published and of public speaking. You see, sometimes fulfilling a passion really can be a double edged sword.

Some of us hear our passion calling when we are very young, like I did. Most of us, however, do not and not because the passion is not strong but for a myriad of reasons the worst of which is listening to external censors and the worst censor of all, our own internal censor. How many of us, including me, in absolute fear of those censors have embarked on that vocational path (teacher, psychologist, lawyer), trying on different lives for size until we find one we can wear even if it does not exactly fit and in most cases is quite unbecoming to us?

Perhaps you are conflicted about continuing a journey you embarked on 25, 30 or even 40 years ago but feel you have now outgrown. You know you are not heading in the direction you WANTED to go, but at least your daily motions are familiar, it is an accepted course, and of course, it pays the bills. Besides, familiar feels safe doesn't it? In today extremely turbulent world feeling safe and secure seems the true definition of emotional sanity and physical safety.

Perhaps you are skilled in one occupation but not thrilled about using those skills anymore? Some other line of work secretly thrills you but the stakes seem high and others might disapprove. Perhaps your are overwhelmed and depressed because you don't actually know what artistic work or self fulfilling work actually awaits you if you just have courage and faith?

Not knowing what you want to do can be very frustrating can't it? You want to go para sailing off the Grand Canyon but you are afraid of the risks... overwhelmed by the options For anything that stretches us outside ourselves, no matter how desperately our souls long for it, there is that inner critic telling us all the reasons we can't:

I would have to quit my job to do what I REALLY want to do; and I can't do that. Who would pay the bills, by the food?

Every time I try to go after something I want, I drop the ball and wind up failing. (Please remember that Edison failed over 1,000 times in making his light bulb and he never once looked on it as a failure. He said, I now know 1,000 ways NOT to make a light bulb)

I want to do so many things, I can't just pick one. (Sure you can, you have to start somewhere).

I have tried so many things and nothing really seems to fit me (refer back to Edison's discourse on the light bulb)

It's not my fault I am not doing what I want -- no one will give me a break. (Here I will quote Miss Helen Keller "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable:) No one promises us fairness or breaks; we must take the risks and make our own.

Then there is this excuse (one I gave myself when I was in my mid forties... I am trying to go after something, but my heart's not really in it, and I don't know why... (Sure you do.. you just think you can control something of which you have no control.)

Here, dear Reader, I would like to recommend a good book that may help you resolve some of these afore mentioned dilemmas: I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What it Was by Barbara Smith. Through her insightful writing you will come to understand that whether you realize it or not, there is a good reasons behind everything we do or don't do. Behind every choice we make or avoid.

None of us can move forward if we do not understand what it is that is holding us back. It may sound cliché but the truth really does set you free. If you suspect that one of those frustrated, angry, discouraged, or timid voices sounds awfully familiar, reading this book will help you gain wisdom and reassurance in discovering your true dream or dreams.

Passion, its cost may seem high, but there is not one single person who walks this world who can truly exist living as a spend thrift of self.

"Oh the secret life of man and woman -- dreaming how much better we could be than we are if we were somebody else or even ourselves, and feeling that our estate has been unexploited to its fullest" ~ Zelda Fitzgerald"

Go on, dear Reader, take the leap of faith, and embrace your passion.

Blessed be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OId8ByO4jg&playnext=1&list=PL15BFC737DBEA550C

Shadows of Love New Contest Ends Soon

On June 17, I will choose a new contest winner for a gift from the online store. If you have not already done so, make sure to go to shadowsoflove.com, navigate to the contest page, and send in your form for the next drawing. Good luck and Happy reading!

4000 copies now sold

I just received confirmation from my publisher that 4,000 copies of Shadows Of Love have officially sold, my first royalty check is in the bank. A very humble and grateful thank you to my readers; without you nothing in the writing realm would be possible. And so happy to know that Poetry is not such a dying genre after all. For a chance to win a free copy of Shadows Of Love, just respond to this post Happy Reading

An Open Letter About Cancer and Life.

Dear Readers, Friends and Family:

Many of you have been at my side these past few months as I began a new fight in earnest against cancer... I think I am growing weary of the fight now though. Some know the truth of how ill I have been despite my best efforts to hide it. ( I was unable to travel or hike much this fall and winter) However, it is now impossible for me to hide it and even my place of work is now involved with my physicians. :( Tricare, for the first time in the 33 years I have been using it, has changed policies so they have been giving Drs a very hard time but they are all good people and have pushed through everything. So... May 24, 2011, I was sent to the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix.

The Mayo clinic is taking over everything as of My 24. They ran additional biopsies and pathology on me yesterday and there is no doubt that cancer is in the remaining thyroid and growing. Surgery is scheduled for July 1, 2011 (they had wanted it sooner but first I have to see a few more specialists,(they will definitely be running the PET scan as well despite Tricares initial refusal) and the three day vacation period will hopefully allow me to heal sufficiently so I don’t have to be off work… I spoke with Diane **** (HR specialist at ACS) and Amanda **** who keeps track of our vacation time and I have almost no vacation time left (already in the negative with all of the Drs appts and tests and only 13 more vacation hours and up to 12 sick hour left until July 1) and am trying to build a few sick days now so other time down will be without pay and after that 9 months of unemployment a couple of years back, there is nothing to fall back on . The Dr told me they would require two weeks recoup minimum. but there is no way I can do that. I have given away far too much of me and my things, and lost what else little I had. I don't want to lose my little rented townhome, my car or the little things I cherish so. I am tough as most know, and the first time they removed cancer from my throat, I left the hospital in 24 hours. But the body has taken a vicious beating since 2006 with breast, colon, skin, blood and throat cancer and other health problems which keep knocking me down. I will give it one damned good try though.

This surgery will NOT be easy and there is already a great deal of damage done to my vocal chords due to the prior surgery as well as to the current growth. Sadly,this Doctor also believes that I may have metastases from the breast cancer into the lungs and larnyx as well and cutting into me increases the risk that it will spread like wildfire. However, even if the Pet Scan proves it true that cancer has invaded the lungs and throat, we have no choice but to remove the growth in my throat as it is effecting my ability to eat and eventually breathe. I have begun spitting up blood as well, so time is not on my side.

Due to the already present scar tissue the chance of my losing my voice is vastly increased as is the chance of losing the para thyroids which will raise havoc with my calcium and other levels I think I am tired of cancer and surgery and doctors but I still love to see the sun rise and set and wish upon a star.

I also think my poetry reading days may behind me… at least I got three book signings of Shadows of Love in before this happened L. Definitely we know that my singing/lullabye days are gone, but that is okay as my children and my Jessie bear no longer need to hear those anyway...

Over the next three weeks, beginning on June 10, I will have to be at the Mayo clinic to see additional specialists (Cardiologist, Hematologist, Otolaryingologist and a speech pathologist)…They are assiging me a new oncologist. This hospital/clinic is imposing to me... Drs and interns wear Armani suits... check in points all over the place. It scares me. It is a long way to go (Loop 101 and 56th) but this is where they want me to be as so very much is going wrong at once. I somehow don't feel quite human when I enter those doors, just a bunch of symptoms and a patient number. I also feel that this is where they send you when things have grown desperate and wonder if I will walk out in July.

Currenntly, I am trying to line up friends now to help me get out there as currently they want to restrict my driving only to work and the store and back. Yesterday, while driving to work, I honestly did not know where I was until I crossed over the Kyrene railroad tracks on the way to work… Per the doctors, the tumor on the thyroid is creating endocrine problems that make me fuzzy at times in addition to effecting weight, breathing, heart and ability to eat. I am unable to hike or do much for any prolonged period and I tire so quickly.

James Bosworth, a dear sweet friend, got me to the clinic on May 24th and stood by me as the news hit home L I had hoped not to hear any of this. I cannot thank him enough for being my rock. My oldest son Douglas had been in communication with me for a little while and I know he is there... that helps. My son in law stopped in to gather some of my Jessie bears things, (I had so hoped to teach her to use that sewing machine I gave her and to travel more with her) andd hegave me a bear hug and told me not ot lose hope, and made me smile (but dear Robbie, seeing yet a little more of her taken away from me broke me and I have now given up hope. For now, these are the things I lean on; my friends, my memories, and my faith.

My Primary Surgeons name at the Mayo Clinic is Richard T Schlinkert. He is an Endocrine and Gastroinestinal Surgeon and a professor of surgery at the college of medicine… 5777 East Mayo Blvd Phoenix AZ 85054. He is thorough, very nice and I think I am in the best of hands… I am just scared and worn down and, in truth, inconsolable right now. If it did not hurt so much I would break down in to screams and tears. Dr. Christine Rosengren will continue to be my close back up here in Mesa. Phoenix seems so far away. My neighbor Alex has agreed to take the girls (Merriweather and Angel Heart) if I cannot care for them any more. I will not be able to drive for at least a week once I am released and they anticipate speech and breathing difficulties for up to three months. They are assigning me a speech pathologist in Scottsdale whom I see on June 17. This frightens me even more as it shows how great the chances of my never speaking again are.

My friend Jewel has offered to help with getting me to work (I will HAVE to go back whether Docs say it is okay or not).. and to some of the appointments down at Mayo. James Bosworth has also offered to be here when I need him but sweet man is also not feeling well. Getting old sucks ya know it? LOL Dan Greenberg, with all he has going on in his life with poor Karen being quite ill too, even offered to take me to Tucson if that became necessary... thankfully it isn't although the Mayo Clinic seems almost as far away... so far away from my dogs and home. :(

I have updated my Living Will and my DNR and will be putting them on file with the Mayo clinic/hospital as well. My neighbor Karen Greenbert witnessed the signing of my Power of Attorney and my Medical Power of attorney and all arrangements are made should things go south. I am meeting with a Navy Legal representative to make sure my legal affairs are in order (one of the so called perks I still get is them preparing my will etc)… and all my ducks are in a row. I will truly have nothing much to leave behind but memories... I hope most of them have been good ones for all of you. My intent is NOT to leave just yet as there is much I long to see and do... So, No, I am not being morbid, just pragmatic; something the older people who raised me taught me to do.

My hope, for now, is to finish these last two books (one of poetry and one of short stories and poetry (I write almost constantly now when not at work)... with the one poetry book being called Dancing with the Spirits of Shadowplay (the title should tell you I intend for it to be my last published book)... and my other... well, that will be under an assumed name but I have had fun writing and reasearchng it... and watch, it will be the money maker, well it worked for Anne Rice didn't it? ).

Dreams? I would love to have my children and grandchildren over to play and have dinner and hold them each once more. I have heard of the lies being perpetrated and know that when they truly search their hearts they will know the reality. At any rate, truth and reality will eventually win out and come out and I hope it does before time says no more.

I would like to have a party with my neighbors and friends both near and far... cook out, drink, swim and reminisce... I find myself looking back a great deal these days. Such again is the way of growing older.

There are friends I long to hold and say thank you too.

There are things I still have not done, like sky dive from a plane, learn to play the guitar and native american flute, take ballroom dancing again, and see Chaco Canyon in New Mexico and Yosemitee National Park. (Then too there is always Scottland; I so longed to see Scottland)

So... weary though I may be, the fight is on. I still have some angels watching over me.

In the mean time, know that I love you… keep me in your prayers and hearts. I will need prayer and love to see me through... Know that you are always in mine.


God Bless!

Against Her Will

AGAINST HER WILL

The family is dying
against her will
leaving angry survivors bickering
picking over
inheritances of loyalty owed
because "I did this but You did not do that"
and broken people and small children
become weapons
in a war to settle
puerile competitions
misread ignorance
and entitlement issues.
Memories have been sold,
red flags fluttering
a past full of "US" "THEM
and love broken into so called
necessary "individuality"
which means nothing more then
"I am important and you are not".:
A warm family history traded for one person’s
happiness,
another’s cherished spite.
And not so silently
her longed for children walk away,
from her;
eventually from each other;
sadly from themselves
like organs transplanted
leaving a shell
of a family now lifeless.
And there is nothing she can do
to stop it,
but say "I will love you always..."
and wish them well

FAITH, HOPE AND LOVE... THE MOST IMPORTANT OF THESE IS LOVE

When we bring our love into everything that we do, we have the power to change all that is. Just as one small stone can spread ripples through an entire body of water, so too can love send a ripple out that will be felt by the Universe. We do not need to demonstrate a grand act of sacrifice in order to make a difference; just the smallest seed of love will do, For that seed will give birth to more seeds, which will give birth to yet more seeds.

What kind of seed are we talking about, you ask?

Well, lets see, we could start by sending a genuine smile to the stranger on the street. Or how about sending a note of gratitude and appreciation to a friend for no reason except they are your friend; they exist? Or how about the simple fact that every time we do the dishes, if we bring mindfulness and loving attention to each dish, each washing, each rinse, then too we are planting a seed. We are expressing all the love which we are through that one simple task.

Every time we take out the trash (even when our mates, children or spouses refuse to do it), we might silently give thanks for all the goods, services, and blessings we received from each discarded item before it became trash. We might give thanks to all the people who were a part of making those goods and services. Yes, we give thanks for trash because we have it to throw away... it is a loving task.

When we receive a telephone call from a wrong number or a sales person we don't want to talk to, we might honor and bless them and end the call politely with dignity and respect. For we know that they, too, are sojourners on this path of life, that they a part of us.

Do you know that you sow a seed of love every time you put your physical surroundings in impeccable order. For it does not matter if we live in a palace or one room, it is what we make of our space that determines the quality of our living there.

When we are spending time with a loved one and they have something to communicate to us, we might give them our full attention and look them in the eye and not be interrupted by the television, the video game, or thoughts of work.. We might take as many opportunities as possible to look into the heart and soul of each person we interact with for tomorrow is never guaranteed and it may be the last time we see them, hold them, hear their voice.

Nor should we forget those other magnificent opportunities to express the love within us; such as creating a meal, working at our desk or office, doing the laundry, playing with play dough, paying our bills, walking the dog, tucking a sleepy child into bed, holding the hand of a sick loved one, and so on.

All daily routines can become an immense experience of our own divinity when we make it sacred and give freely in unconditional love. We need not run (SHOULD NOT RUN) from the mundane cares of life to find truth and inner peace. We need not seek out an ashram, a guru, or a burning bush to find the answers or purpose of life. We each have the answer within and that answer is love...

The Candle of Life (for my upcoming new book)

We are the star makers.
Yet, who are we to create the stars?
They flicker and dance in the night,
destructions force,
powerful heat,
penetrating and overcoming the darkness;
Omnipotently
consuming all.
breaking the darkness of the night
with brilliant sequins
no longer really there.

The stars,
seemingly endless,
but most are already illusion,
Perception of the infinite unknown.
Immortal numbers of provinces
this mortal planet has never dreamed of.
Opportunities of life,
technology,
and beauty
only in imagination,
Which is why I love them so much.
Other minds, perceptions, religions,
perhaps the truth.
Giant stars,
and tracking of lights
to the long-since past,
but still alive in my eyes.

Doug's beloved ocean,
as endless as the universe.
The depths are inspiring,
and swimming is flying.
Powerful as fire
And just as beautiful.


Rain,
just saying it brings a smile.
Rolling down
soaking the body,
A sweet moment of life,
especially if shared
Feeling the kiss of the sky on your soul,
feeling its power,
yet gentleness.

Wind, earth's touch on your skin.
Play-fighting with the earth,
pushing you back
And walking foreword,
blocking the challenging wind.
Other times, loving,
a breeze to cool you,
redden your cheeks,
and to blow your hair playfully.

Storms,
a dance of energy.
Large drums make your insides tremble
with exhilaration and excitement,
power.
The light dances too fast in the sky,
Simply a mesmerizing magnificence.

Music,
one of the best inventions,
or is it instinct?
Birds make music,
the rain,
the fire,
the sea,
all natural musicians.
From voice
to instruments
to nature.
Human emotion filling your heart
to the point of breaking.

A painting,
a jumbled mess of good and bad,
Colors mixed,
emotions changing.

The candles blown out one by one,
The scent thickens,
flickers to a spiked,
colorful flame.
A pool of liquid beneath
as the smoke swirls upward to the stars.
The wick an acute glowing orange,
A last attempt to clasp onto life.

My breath whispering toward it
and grasping it
for a moment
Before diminishing the beauty
called life.

The Candle of Life

THE CANYON'S FIRE

A POEM FOR MY NEW BOOK



The vault of dreams displayed beneath me
as a reflection,
I was standing in the sky.
I walked further,
and stared into the looking glass below me.
It was pure enough to see the depths in the daylight.
Darkness reigned at that moment,
with only the sprinkles of glitter as its guide.
The waves flowed gently beneath me at the floor.
I closed my eyes and imagined myself there
forever.

I listened to the gentle thunder.
The Colorado river makes beautiful music
if you listen close enough,
with your heart, mind and soul.
The sounds are mesmerizing,
a rhythm beating against the canyon walls.
It was as if each wave shook hands with the earth,
meeting again after their rebirths.
The wind guided it there.
No words can capture its eminence
or its magnificence.
I only know that the universe has its own symphony,
but maybe silence, too, is the music.
The precious pause of poetic
conviction.

I went out a little further on the precipice;
it was harder to stay balanced.
My ears seized the sound of the water.
I was motionless on the moon,
the stars beside me.
They were my brothers and sisters,
enclosing me,
protecting me.
A tear fell down my cheek.
My eyes awakened,
blue sapphires opening wide to a new experience,
glowing in the moons light.
They were sheltered by long lashes,
batting playfully in confusion.
Happy and crying.
I was releasing water;
my hand cupped the liquid that was rapidly moving past me,
rushing to meet the earth with a swift sound and a crash.
I let the tear fall into my hand
and gently dropped it down
to where it belonged.

"For you".
I told the river,
as well as the stars.
For the stars,
I believe,
have some relationship with tears.
Now,
they had a part of me as well.
What wonders you both hold.
Suppressing secrets against the inquisitive,
who only wish to be a part of you.
"Will you not tell me your secrets?"”

The morning was near
and the sun exploded with a fire
bouncing off the canyon walls
and went down
to dance with the water.

I wish to die in this canyon's fire.

New Designs at shadowsoflove.com

Shadows of Love: The on line store has a brand new design. Please don't forget to fill out your contest form to be eligible for a free gift from the online store at shadowsoflove.com. New drawing will be held May 31, 2011. Good luck and Happy Reading

For my children

I love you always no matter what...

http://youtu.be/FhNrrrCCTdA

The Balloon (new poem for a new book)

The Balloon

In a dream I was on a bare stage somewhere, hot under blue gels,
and the dance Mistress wanted to make sure I was strong.

Instead of admitting ankle-sprain, or crushed toes,
I retied ribbons on my practice point shoes and stretched hamstrings to the breaking at the bar.

She commanded me to do a plie; then pressing her hand in the small of my back, another.
No arch, she said, flatten it.

No longer fourteen or any linear age, I could feel skin-color tights webbing at the crotch, pleating below the knees.
as I remembered how she loathed imperfection.
So did I

Reaching to smooth my tights, she roughly touched my thigh, and said, You're getting fat.
my feet were now bleeding.

Silently, I turned from the bar, stuck a pin in her once, then again, until she began to shrivel, until she popped.

Limping past pools of hot blue light, I found a woman-child
crouching in the wings, arranging animals from Noah's Ark.

She was hanging them from a broom stick two by two,
suspending each pair by their necks with silver chord.

A frayed tutu jutted below her belly and her textured tights sagged at her knees
Looking up, she arched her back
The tummy became flat

And picking a scab from her elbow, she asked me why?
Why I had popped my balloon?

Hold the line...

The law that our thoughts create our experiences is not just a law unto each isolated individual. It is just as applicable to our beliefs as a whole. When individuals begin to create a new, peaceful world, so will the human race, as a whole, create a paradise on Earth. In other words, when we all see that we can have the world we desire just by thinking that we can, it will manifest for us.

And then, there's also the icing on the cake. It can happen fast. It can happen in our lifetimes. We need not think that we are just making things better for future generations. We are also making things better for ourselves. It can start with the smallest spark, and, as quick as a wink, it can spread around the entire globe.

It only takes for each of us to start to see everyone else in their highest light ... even the international bankers and power brokers who have used deceit and fear and all things horrid in order to maintain control over us. We so often forget that each man, no matter how bad we think he is, does indeed, without exception, have a shining Spirit deep down inside. To remember this and to act accordingly is the challenge of mankind today. For some reason - perhaps the desire of some to dominate others - we have overlooked our ability to see the good side of every man. We don't notice him in his highest light. We don't see him standing up for the Highest Good. And if we don't see him standing up for the Highest Good, he won't. He'll continue to ride roughshod over us as he pleases. But it is when we begin to see every man, even our enemies whom we have called "the bad guys" in the past, as standing up for the Highest Good, they will sooner or later reflect our expectations of them and step into their highest calling.

There is something deep within our inner nature that is called up when we are confronted by a man of principle, a man who speaks directly yet gently into the face of his friends and enemies alike, and doesn't back down. Something special happens in the psyche of the "bad guy" when he is confronted by someone who sets a noble example. It may be subtle at first, but after awhile, it will change him, just as when you keep chipping away large rock - eventually it turns into pebbles ... or a statue of great beauty.

His heart will soften and his mind will recognize the wisdom in becoming one with others. Walls of separation will dissolve as the "bad guy" begins to follow your example and seek for his own highest light inside himself. And when he looks, he will find a world that is better than the one where he spent all his energy trying to control everything and everyone around him. He'll experience a feeling of great joy that was not available to him as long as he persecuted others.

And we'll all be much happier because, from then on, instead of continuing to deal with the challenges of how do we get along with each other, we can all start to work together on the challenges of how do we make our world as good as it can possibly be.

Your beautiful mother ... and you.

It was from the moment you entered my life,
So tiny and helpless and new...
That nothing would ever again be the same,
Only better; for now there was you.

How could I know as I looked at you then,
That old feelings would find a new start?
Or in time you'd remind me of memories long past,
Or how deeply you'd enter my heart?

Just watching you grow was a marvelous sight,
As you toddled and learned how to walk.
Then I watched in amazement as time slipped away,
And like magic, you started to talk.

The touch of your tiny hand clinging to mine,
Formed a bond that would last like no other.
Giving rise to the memories I'd long since forgotten
Of the same things I'd felt for your uncles and mother.

With a certain perception that grandmothers have,
I was always able to see,
The warm summer breezes and the scent of the rose,
That abounded when you were with me.

Just seeing the warmth of the light in your eyes,
And the billowy bounce of your hair,
Confirmed without question, that deep in my heart,
Was a special love so rare.

As time slipped away and you started school,
My adoration just grew...
For you learned all so quickly, each thing that you tried,
Learning much more than I ever knew.

So it is, that I marvel while watching you grow,
Perhaps one day to be a young wife.
Still, long I'll remember those earliest years,
When you lightened and brightened the days of my life.

Though years bring upon us all manner of tune,
The sweetest of songs are unsung...
But these memories for all my yesterdays I'll keep,
For the warmth of their glow keeps me young.

No one can know all the love that I felt,
In the warmth of your tender embrace.
Or the fondest of memories kept with me still,
That the passage of time and cancer can't erase.

A grandmother's love, like a mother's love is forever,
It is patient and caring and true...
And it's mellowed by sharing with two special girls...
Your beautiful mother ... and you.

So I opened my heart, as I opened my arms,
Now whenever is whispered my name...
Know that I'm with you wherever you go...
And so thankful to them, you came.

For My Son and Daughter on Mother's Day

for tiny heartfelt kisses
for granting little wishes

for moon lit nights of endless fun
for water fights in the blazing sun

for reading in our special chair
letting me comb and style your hair

for strawberry milk filled to the top
for run and throw and twirl and hop

for unicorns and royal purple dresses
for snuggling and great big messes

for poetry and singing larks
for healing boo-boos and scaring sharks

for conversations I'd never known
for the shadows of light you've shown

for Dr Seuss; we love to rhyme
for giving me a little of your precious time

for kitties, dogs, snakes and turtles
for forcing me to jump my hurdles

for empathy and kindness true
for soft spirits that come from you

for midnight snacks and peter pan
for jack and sally and boogey man

for deep long gazes; bright blue eyes
for silver clouds and turquoise skies

for all the universe and the stars
for healing all my painful scars

for my daughter and my son, thank you today
for making me mommy, in every way

Comparisons, Complaints, and Enlightenment

Comparisons are irresistible but they are also odious, insidious and very often our self-torture of choice. Comparisons can also be demeaning, not only to those comparing but to those being compared. This is true whether the comparison be about recognition, fame, achievement, or failures, illness, and suffering.

Today, I have been giving great thought to this seeming need of we humans. Why is it that we are always guilty in some way at some time of coveting our neighbors husband, figure, clothes, income, or career. What about our envy or jealousy over others achievements, awards, recognition and fame? Sadly what about when we compare our own suffering against another's because we feel we have suffered more or that another has no right to complain?

Generally it is often only one person whose own blessings or pain has the ability to push our buttons of raging insecurity; we really don't care if most of the world has more then we have or is more ill then we are, we only care that "he/she" has it and the attention that comes with it and NOT us. Often the subject of our hostility is not personally known to us, though the life he/she lives is in print. Other times, they are someone very close to us. Secretly we "stalk" social networks, magazines, newspapers accumulating evidence against their good fortune.. Whether this person be a stranger or your best friend, you insist on measuring your life, success, bank account, and self worth against hers.

Obviously, I could write a book on coveting, jealousy, envy, illness and making oneself miserable with comparison unless I was vaguely familiar with this sin against one's own authenticity. Therefore, for just a moment, follow me in reading one of my favorite poems; a clever, funny spiteful little ode by Clive James:

'The Book of my Enemy Has Been Remaindered'
"The book of my enemy has been remaindered
And I am pleased.
In vast quantities it has been remaindered
Like a van-load of counterfeit that has been seized
And sits in piles in a police warehouse,
My enemy's much-prized effort sits in piles
In the kind of bookshop where remaindering occurs.
Great, square stacks of rejected books and, between them, aisles
One passes down reflecting on life's vanities,
Pausing to remember all those thoughtful reviews
Lavished to no avail upon one's enemy's book --
For behold, here is that book
Among these ranks and banks of duds,
These ponderous and seemingly irreducible cairns
Of complete stiffs.


The book of my enemy has been remaindered
And I rejoice.
It has gone with bowed head like a defeated legion
Beneath the yoke.
What avail him now his awards and prizes,
The praise expended upon his meticulous technique,
His individual new voice?
Knocked into the middle of next week
His brainchild now consorts with the bad buys
The sinker, clinkers, dogs and dregs,
The Edsels of the world of moveable type,
The bummers that no amount of hype could shift,
The unbudgeable turkeys.


Yea, his slim volume with its understated wrapper
Bathes in the blare of the brightly jacketed Hitler's War Machine,
His unmistakably individual new voice
Shares the same scrapyard with a forlorn skyscraper
Of The Kung-Fu Cookbook,
His honesty, proclaimed by himself and believed by others,
His renowned abhorrence of all posturing and pretense,
Is there with Per twee's Promenades and Pierrots--
One Hundred Years of Seaside Entertainment,
And (oh, this above all) his sensibility,
His sensibility and its hair-like filaments,
His delicate, quivering sensibility is now as one
With Barbara Windsor's Book of Boobs,
A volume graced by the descriptive rubric
"My boobs will give everyone hours of fun".


Soon now a book of mine could be remaindered also,
Though not to the monumental extent
In which the chastisement of remaindering has been meted out
To the book of my enemy,
Since in the case of my own book it will be due
To a miscalculated print run, a marketing error--
Nothing to do with merit.
But just supposing that such an event should hold
Some slight element of sadness, it will be offset
By the memory of this sweet moment.
Chill the champagne and polish the crystal goblets!
The book of my enemy has been remaindered
And I am glad."


Feelings of Comparison are never good as this does not lead one of us to enlightenment. We are adults . We all should be bigger than this, shouldn't we? Hmmm..

Well, even if we are not, comparisons hurt each of us in profound ways. They undermine our confidence, shut down our flow of creative energy, shor sircuit our access to a higher Power, deplete our self esteem, suck the life force from our marrow and hinder healing, and prevent u s from giving fully of ourselves as the Creator intended.
Comparisons destroy what is Sacred within. Therefore, instead of comparing yourself to another , why not just take a wet leather strap and beat yourself with it? Or beat the one you are comparing yourself with... It's easier to recover from physical abuse then self inflicted or emotionally psychic brutality.

The Blessings your "nemesis" , friend or neighbor now enjoys can also be yours as soon as you are REALLY ready to receive with an open heart all good fortune created just for you. Conversely, it can also aid you in your own healing if you admit that each person's suffering is equal to our own... as each person's suffering is totally individual.

Therefore, dear reader, bless the people you compare yourself too. Bless them for their happiness, their success and their failures and fears. Once we are each able to do this, we will truly begin to experience the abundance of real life and love.

Blessed be.

Book Signing Today

I will be at Bookmans, on Country club in Mesa AZ, signing copies of my new book Shadows of Love. Due to health issues, I will not be reading today but will be there to chat and talk about writing and poetry. There will be a few hard bound and soft bound copies of the book for sale as well as a few free give aways etc.

I look forward to seeing you there.

Knee Jerk Reactions create nothing but stress, loss, and pain.

You are eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened. What you do next determines whether you will have a bad day or a good day.

You curse.

You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt.

Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit.

After a 15-minute delay and throwing $60.00 traffic fine away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye. After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase.

Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home. When you arrive home, you find small wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter.

Why? Because of how you reacted in the morning. Why did you have a bad day?

1. Did the coffee cause it?

2. Did your daughter cause it?

3. Did the policeman cause it?

4. Did you cause it?

The answer is number 4. You caused it.

You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day.

Here is what could have happened:

Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt.

Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "Its ok honey, you just need to be more careful next time." Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus.

She turns and waves. You arrive 5 minutes early and have time to greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good a day you are having.

Notice the difference?

Both started the same. Both ended different.

Why?

Because of how you REACTED. You really do not have control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% is determined by your reaction. Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle.

If someone says something negative about you, don't be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you! React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out etc.

How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound on the steering wheel? A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off. Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them?

WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let this driver ruin your drive? Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it.

You are told you lost your job. Why lose sleep and get irritated? It will work out. Use your worrying energy and time into finding another job.

The plane is late; it is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take outpour frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on. Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse.

You think you have found something on the Internet regarding someone you love and instead of going to the person and having a discussion you become accusatory, angry, and spiteful and close the door on the relationship... only to find out after it is too late how wrong you really were. Why not let it go and approach it with love instead of judgement and anger and creat the stress and loss?

This is the 90-10 principle. Don't let the 10 percent you can't control determine your day and you life. Take control of the 90% and create the day and life you want. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results. You have the choice.

It CAN change your Life!!!

Holiness and Loss

Many believe that life situations are cyclical and occur over 7 year periods before change begins anew. If this is true, then this has been my season of Loss. It has, sadly also been the season of loss for our Country and for many of my friends and family.

The sad truth is that if we are alive, we cannot escape loss. Loss is a necessary and very real part of life. To paraphrase Mary Stewart (English Novelist), "have you ever thought, when something dreadful happens, a moment ago things were not like this; let it be THEN not NOW, anything but now? And you try and try to remake THEN, but you know you can't. So you try to hold the moment quite still and not let it move on and show itself."

Today, as I sit and wait for a call back from my primary care physician regarding the status of two of the tests now completed, I am feeling the fear of more loss. Today is a tough day.

Today might be tough for you too. You might not want the next moment to show itself, to reveal the twists and turns of life's mystery; I know I sure as hell don't. But, at least you have it. You and I, we still have LIFE. A choice as to how you will live this precious day.

So, let's not wish this Good Friday away. Let's not waste it. For the love of ALL that is Holy, redeem each hour. Hold it close. Cherish it. Above all be grateful for it. Let this thanksgiving rise above the din of disappointment -- the fear of opportunities lost, mistakes made, the clamor of all that has not yet come. Let is rise above fear, loss, anger, and sorrow.

And if today should prove so horrendous that this gift doesn't seem worth acknowledging; if you can't find one moment to enjoy, one simple pleasure to savor, one friend to call, one person to love, one thing to share, one smile to offer... if life is SO difficult you don't want to bother living it to its fullest, the do not live today for yourself...

Live it for those who are no longer here to enjoy the gift. Live it for family who have gone on to their heavenly reward, for the victims of 9/11, for the laughter of children, or the simple sight of a flower blooming in your garden.

God bless my dear readers. Happy Easter.

Making time

Every individual makes a difference. We cannot live through a single day without making an impact on the world around us. And we all have free choice--what sort of difference do we want to make? Do we want to make the world around us a better place? Or not?

~Jane Goodall~


A dear friend of min was completely infatuated with a man. It was all that she could think and talk about. Yet, every time that she asked him out for coffee or lunch or dinner, it was the same reply. He told her that he would love to go out with her, however, his schedule of work, school and other commitments was just too hectic and it wasn't possible.

In her frustration, she came to me and asked me for advice. She wanted to know how she could creatively help him with some of his responsibilities and free up some commitments so that they could spend time together. When she made this suggestion to me, I sighed deeply and bit my lip. I was searching for a tactful way to break the news to her, yet, she had to understand the real truth... and sometimes that hurts.

'Darlin', when he tells you that he doesn't have time. He has time – what he means is that he doesn't have time for YOU. I suggest that you dress in black for a week and pretend like he is dead, because it isn't going to happen.'

My words seemed to have been a kick to straight to the stomach that sucked all the life out of her.. After a few seconds of silence, she raised her head as she came up for air. "Thanks, Bonnie – I needed to hear that", was her submissive and beaten reply to me. After our conversation, she left and I do believe that although she didn't dress in black for a whole week – she did take my advice and move on. I am sure that both she and the man in question are grateful for that. I saw her a few weeks ago and she was smiling and meeting new people...

You see, I have never seen a woman or a man who is head over heels in interest for someone yet, just can't find time to be with that person. If the interest is there – the time will be there.

In life, you often hear the excuse. "I wish I could – spend more time with my family, start my own business, chase a goal, travel, or volunteer… but, I just don't have the time." The reality as I have learned, un learned, and am relearning is You have the time… you are simply spending it somewhere else. You are a human and will make time for what you see as a priority. The question is – are you prioritizing the correct things. What really means the most to you?

The fact of the matter is we all have the exact same amount of time in a day that Albert Einstein, Marie Curie, Copernicus and da Vinci had. We all have the exact same amount of time in a day that Michael Dell, Bill Gates and Donald Trump have. The question is not – Do you have the time? The question is – How are you spending the time that you do have?

For me, it helped by beginning to keep a journal and log the time you spend everyday. I do this still but i would recommend that you do this for at least two weeks. Track the time you spend getting ready for work, in your automobile, at the office, eating out, reading, in entertainment, watching television, surfing the internet or simply doing nothing. You may be surprised at the amount of time that you spend on unproductive or unimportant matters. It is very often shocking at the time each day that we squander and will never get back. Or spent foolishly instead of investing it wisely in those things which are truly most important to us.

In this day and age of fast paced technology, shift work, etc., life can often become so overwhelming that as we get caught up in the rat race – we are not aware of how we are spending our time. It may be time for a time inventory of your life. First begin by journaling what is most important to you in your life. Then track how your time for two weeks. It could be very eye opening.

Remember you have the same amount of time in a day that Einstein, Henry Ford and da Vinci had. The question is – are you using your time as effectively as they did. Therefore, you have no cause to complain for your lack of time, only your management of that time. Time plays no favorites – it will either be its slave or it will be yours. You make time every day for what you value. What do you value?

Given my recent bouts with cancer, and the loss of so many, I truly know what I value and I intend to make time in whatever time I may have left

blessed be

The chain is broken... and so am I.

As I face new tests, new problems, future biopsies and possible surgeries, I am remembering my biopsy for my second bout of breast cancer... back in January of 2007. Long after my Doug had left our world and who so greatly loved my nurturing breasts and hated the idea of me being disfigured. How I remember the fear.. despite Tom's encouraging words. But, I had my two youngest with me... and they saw me through...

Memory of The Biopsy, Jan 9, 2007

We were three of the four Pike's
The remaining members of a family legacy
waiting among a shifting set of others in radiology's store-front lobby--one daughter, one son and a mother linked by blood and laughter in spite of one of life's most threatening moments
remembering embarrassing silly moments of our past.

James loved my last one--my funny last one--he's the performer, the comedienne. Thank god, he's mine, feeding me one-liners.
Together, they make me laugh over family times long gone bye.

The baby of the family, Mary, drove me here
carried my x-rays here, and parked the car. She listened to the intake staff, with the aloof attention like her father
but she is strongly a part of me, my watching self.
As she railed against this ridiculous wait,
and tried to breach the impersonal walls of disinterest in our fate.

My thoughts turned to my missing child
My oldest, Doug.
He was first to nurse from this left breast,
that in a space of time
pressed and prodded,and later slicked with gel will echo sound onto a screen to show the probable malignancy.
so the hollow needle can pierce it

I'm going to lose it--the breast--(both of them actually)
and along with it the cancer, too, I hoped.
(is hope a lie if it does not come true?)The receptionist gave us a hard look when we laughed. But for a few hours, we were a shiny chain linked tightly, silvery with a happiness glinting out even in that waiting place of potential loss and doom.

I fingered the necklace I had bought earlier that fall,
touched the curative dragonfly, murmuring "hope"--I wanted to believe in sudden remission,in some way to avert what we are certainly headed for.

I will always remember my daughter's and my son's fingers laced through mine.

Trying to heal me....

(please know that despite the cancer that now runs through me, Mary and James, you did... You did)

You three children, my Jessie bear, and JC, Zavier and how SHY... gave me purpose... you were my reason.

New doctors, new tests, new concerns and growing old ones now loom ahead of me over the course of the next few months... only this time, due to anger, ignorance, lack of communication... and lack of the memories of strength and giving... I will face these alone.

The chain is broken... and so am I.


"Pursue some path, however narrow and crooked, in which you can walk with love and reverence."
~ Henry David Thoreau

Mantra Walks

The Universe is once again handing me out a plateful and additional stress is being piled on faster than I can even attempt to swallow it. From the news that the thyroid (what is left of it) has a mass on it, to the kidneys starting to malfunction, to the cost of gas heading quickly to 4 dollars per gallon (guess we will soon be deciding whether to eat or go to work), to the loss of the love (if I ever really had it which retrospect is slowly making me realize I did not)of my children, to the illness of friends and mother to.... well you get the gist.. something that most of us are dealing with in some fashion almost daily now and it does take the toll on our spirit.

Most of my readers know that I did not get a driver's license until I was 52 and that was via the dedicated help and belief of my daughter Mary, my friend Maggie, and my friend Tom. They helped me achieve a dream that so many had said I would never do and gave me freedom of unimagined proportions. Prior to that, however, I walked where ever I needed to go and it is during the walking.. a mantra walk is what I now call them, where I meditate, breathe, commune with solitude, and regain perspective. I walk.

Whenever I feel anxious (and frighteningly to some this has occurred at sometimes in the early morning hours just after midnight or sometimes late late evenings) I have been known to literally bolt out of the house (or my office) almost as if I were leaving the scene of a crime. Filled with disappointments, painful memories and often unrealistic expectations of my past -- terrified of what my future holds and the changes that are inevitable-- the only safe place for me is in the present moment with my foot to the pavement or desert earth, the wind on my face, the stars or sun lighting my way, my breath entering and leaving my body. I walk.

You see, not being able to drive gave me a precious knowledge that one of my favorite existentialist writers Henry David Thoreau knew so well: "It requires a direct dispensation from Heaven to become a walker". And though it does my body good, I have never walked for exercise, well not the exercise of the body at least. I walk for my soul and my body just happens to tag along. I walk for a myriad of reasons: to solve a creative problem, to finish that argument with myself or someone else, to saunter and wake up the world around me (now aren't you glad I don't come knocking on your door at 3 am?) and to meditate. This is my fitness of spirit. During these walks I quiet the voices in my head, take long strides, and concentrate on the slow steady rhythm of my breath; comforted by the welcoming interior silence.

When walking my desert paths, my reverie might be broken by the sight of a family of quail, a lone bobcat, a coyote, a road runner, or a jack rabbit. It might be broken by the sight of a blossoming cactus or the smell of desert sage. That is when I again recall Thoreau's words as he complained of walking sometime "without getting there in spirit". I so relate to that because there are times when I am traveling the desert that the thought of some poem or story will run in my head and I am no longer where my body is, I am out of my senses. This is where I have learned to train myself to slowly return my awareness to the simple act of walking for it is here, in the present moment, one step at a time, that I find peace.

Walking is pure meditation and I highly recommend you try it..especially now that the beautiful weather is returning. Take into consideration your preference -- are you a morning person, do you prefer a midday walk or, like me are you someone who loves to walk under the stars? Even if you work in the city, you can break at lunch and walk. No one but you needs know that you have shut out the world and are meditating at you walk down the street. Twenty to thirty minutes a day is all it takes to restore a sense of serenity.

Do not, dear reader, expect to experience immediate transcendence or you will be disappointed when it first seems as if nothing is happening at all. Let go of expectations and life will unfold step by step.

The dogs are waiting for their morning meditation and a star filled sky beckons. Won't you join me

"Turning on my heals
I begin a mantra walk
And breathe a prayer
for his dear sake"
Survive the Shadowstalker ©2002