I have pre op tests and preparations today for the pending surgery on January 8. As I walked with my beloved shepherds this morning my fear has grown and my resolve to allow the surgery has weakened. I honestly do not want to go through with it.
The past surgeries... breast, melanoma, throat, thyroid, liver biopsies, I went through for the sake of my family.... but they are now gone and each surgery left me more of a shell of my former self. I can't stand the sight of me in a mirror... Maybe that is the Creators joke one me... "don't like looking at yourself, well give Me time, and you won't have to. "
But, that's the point isn't it? Time? If I let them operate in January I may be out of time; IMMEDIATELY. If I don't the vision will worsen and I will eventually lose it even with glasses that will eventually end up looking like coke bottles... but I will have TIME. Time to maybe complete the next 18 months of work and retire and NEVER have to take a hand out from the government. I can't stand or live with the though of being on SSI... or welfare. Time to find a one story single family home to live in so I can take care of myself and not be dependent. Time to sell the Jeep and say good bye and thank you for the joy of driving. Time to make sure my dogs have a place that is secure where they can run when I can't take them for long walks any more. Time
The past surgeries... breast, melanoma, throat, thyroid, liver biopsies, I went through for the sake of my family.... but they are now gone and each surgery left me more of a shell of my former self. I can't stand the sight of me in a mirror... Maybe that is the Creators joke one me... "don't like looking at yourself, well give Me time, and you won't have to. "
But, that's the point isn't it? Time? If I let them operate in January I may be out of time; IMMEDIATELY. If I don't the vision will worsen and I will eventually lose it even with glasses that will eventually end up looking like coke bottles... but I will have TIME. Time to maybe complete the next 18 months of work and retire and NEVER have to take a hand out from the government. I can't stand or live with the though of being on SSI... or welfare. Time to find a one story single family home to live in so I can take care of myself and not be dependent. Time to sell the Jeep and say good bye and thank you for the joy of driving. Time to make sure my dogs have a place that is secure where they can run when I can't take them for long walks any more. Time
Truth is, and God knows it to be true, is that I would much rather be dead.
For the first time I am honestly asking God... why?
The silence is deafening.
For the first time I am honestly asking God... why?
The silence is deafening.
Lenses from her glasses
soon-
will be ground into sand.
Then they can sift through a
perpetual glass prison
in an hourglass heirloom.
Upon death,
the living grind glass
and add vision to the timepiece
so the rest of the chain
can see glints of stray light
and insight from
ancient eyes
that flash into
young pupils.
Each contribution
lengthens time
as each old ghost
lends a hand
to the living
Then they can sift through a
perpetual glass prison
in an hourglass heirloom.
Upon death,
the living grind glass
and add vision to the timepiece
so the rest of the chain
can see glints of stray light
and insight from
ancient eyes
that flash into
young pupils.
Each contribution
lengthens time
as each old ghost
lends a hand
to the living
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