I was remembering today when I first decided I wanted to be a writer, and I believe I was about 8 years old when I first started writing stories and poems. I know by 12, thanks to a teacher in Albion Central High School, I first began experiencing the exhilaration and absolute fear of being published and of public speaking. You see, sometimes fulfilling a passion really can be a double edged sword.
Some of us hear our passion calling when we are very young, like I did. Most of us, however, do not and not because the passion is not strong but for a myriad of reasons the worst of which is listening to external censors and the worst censor of all, our own internal censor. How many of us, including me, in absolute fear of those censors have embarked on that vocational path (teacher, psychologist, lawyer), trying on different lives for size until we find one we can wear even if it does not exactly fit and in most cases is quite unbecoming to us?
Perhaps you are conflicted about continuing a journey you embarked on 25, 30 or even 40 years ago but feel you have now outgrown. You know you are not heading in the direction you WANTED to go, but at least your daily motions are familiar, it is an accepted course, and of course, it pays the bills. Besides, familiar feels safe doesn't it? In today extremely turbulent world feeling safe and secure seems the true definition of emotional sanity and physical safety.
Perhaps you are skilled in one occupation but not thrilled about using those skills anymore? Some other line of work secretly thrills you but the stakes seem high and others might disapprove. Perhaps your are overwhelmed and depressed because you don't actually know what artistic work or self fulfilling work actually awaits you if you just have courage and faith?
Not knowing what you want to do can be very frustrating can't it? You want to go para sailing off the Grand Canyon but you are afraid of the risks... overwhelmed by the options For anything that stretches us outside ourselves, no matter how desperately our souls long for it, there is that inner critic telling us all the reasons we can't:
I would have to quit my job to do what I REALLY want to do; and I can't do that. Who would pay the bills, by the food?
Every time I try to go after something I want, I drop the ball and wind up failing. (Please remember that Edison failed over 1,000 times in making his light bulb and he never once looked on it as a failure. He said, I now know 1,000 ways NOT to make a light bulb)
I want to do so many things, I can't just pick one. (Sure you can, you have to start somewhere).
I have tried so many things and nothing really seems to fit me (refer back to Edison's discourse on the light bulb)
It's not my fault I am not doing what I want -- no one will give me a break. (Here I will quote Miss Helen Keller "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable:) No one promises us fairness or breaks; we must take the risks and make our own.
Then there is this excuse (one I gave myself when I was in my mid forties... I am trying to go after something, but my heart's not really in it, and I don't know why... (Sure you do.. you just think you can control something of which you have no control.)
Here, dear Reader, I would like to recommend a good book that may help you resolve some of these afore mentioned dilemmas: I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What it Was by Barbara Smith. Through her insightful writing you will come to understand that whether you realize it or not, there is a good reasons behind everything we do or don't do. Behind every choice we make or avoid.
None of us can move forward if we do not understand what it is that is holding us back. It may sound cliché but the truth really does set you free. If you suspect that one of those frustrated, angry, discouraged, or timid voices sounds awfully familiar, reading this book will help you gain wisdom and reassurance in discovering your true dream or dreams.
Passion, its cost may seem high, but there is not one single person who walks this world who can truly exist living as a spend thrift of self.
"Oh the secret life of man and woman -- dreaming how much better we could be than we are if we were somebody else or even ourselves, and feeling that our estate has been unexploited to its fullest" ~ Zelda Fitzgerald"
Go on, dear Reader, take the leap of faith, and embrace your passion.
Blessed be.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OId8ByO4jg&playnext=1&list=PL15BFC737DBEA550C
