Photo was taken just before surgery. I love how the doctor marked the word YES on my throat... YES... !This last surgery has probably been the toughest of all and the healing for this one will be longer and much slower then I like (or even want to allow). The thyroid is totally gone and with it the parathyroid's BUT I still have my voice... somewhat softer still but less gravely which will allow me to return to poetry readings sometime in the not too distant future. Another biopsy was performed... this one on the lung and blood chemistry shows nothing is functioning as it should. More surgery is in my not too distant future and I have many meetings with old and new doctors. But, I have time, good friends, laughter, and love. I have life.
During this lengthy healing process I have been able to become a little more introspective, unearthing remnants of memories buried deeply within the fertile soil of the subconscious mind. In some ways, this war I wage with cancer has been helping this 55 year old to excavate her real self.
Christina Baldwin (author of one of my favorite books Life's Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Practice) said "How we remember and what we remember and why we remember form the most personal map of our individuality. I concur with her belief in this area and I think it explains why some people cling to immaturity, anger, resentment or fear... they stop their own introspection far too soon. So, with the help of good friends, some great doctors, and my own faith, I am going to continue this spiritual dig that I know will eventually lead me to discover the Mystery of where my soul abides.
Whether you realize it or not, each of us has lived many lives. and each one has left an indelible mark on our souls. No, dear reader, I am not talking about the metaphysical such as reincarnation. I am referring to the episodic and sometimes cyclical ways in which our lives evolve: childhood, adolescence, university, career, marriage, motherhood, retirement, widowhood, and onward. At each and every stage in our lives we have experienced both laughter and tears. However, even more important for the interests of this topic, we develop personal preferences. Each live experience and how we CHOOSE to view or interpret it, leaves a layer of memory like a deposit of rich sediment: things we have loved and moments of contentment we have cherished that when recalled reveal glimmers of our true selves.
I have known many who are hesitant to recall their past because they are afraid they will dredge up painful memories or have to face some sad realities they would so much prefer not to own. But I believe that just like each new battle with cancer has brought a gift for me if I am but willing to look for it, so too will each painful memory come also bearing a peace offering. In truth, there is nothing to fear for the past only asks to be remembered.
Today and for the days that God lets me have, I expect many things as I sit around the campfire of my heart and you will around yours and if you invite me, I will gladly share with you. Remember, dear reader, that someone is always listening. Someone is always talking to you and encouraging you to take that next step as you embrace the Mystery of your soul.. as I embrace the mystery of mine.
Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonder filled ways for the dry seasons of life are never permanent.
Blessed be.
NATURES SHADOW.
In the shadows of
this foreboding storm,
thundering, echoing
lighting darkened sky
I ponder the truth of a chrysalis- beyond an enchanted dream
Suddenly my life is wonder filled for a transforming arty scheme
A "Free bird" amidst a rainbow canvas,
a work divine
Intoxicating breath of heaven, on sweet well water wine
Delicately woven intricacy
of nature’s luminous parfait
Even as the wonder of a waning summer
brings an elegant bouquet
It’s easy to dance with "Heavenly Wings"
Letting-go of the old for new 'exciting' things
Caught-up in the moment,
the beauty of Nature's word is true
The “Goddess of second chances” creates all things new
Now, like the butterfly, the old is left for dead
Enraptured by living scenes of beauty and wise words said
Liberated to limitless heights, free to soar and roam
With every negative there is a positive; now I rest at home
Humankind , symbolic of a butterfly, "here today and gone tomorrow"
We need truth and thankful days ,
while surrendering ourselves
to the Natural ways....
Bonnie Pike; from Shadows of Love 2/2011
