Dear Readers, Friends and Family:
Many of you have been at my side these past few months as I began a new fight in earnest against cancer... I think I am growing weary of the fight now though. Some know the truth of how ill I have been despite my best efforts to hide it. ( I was unable to travel or hike much this fall and winter) However, it is now impossible for me to hide it and even my place of work is now involved with my physicians. :( Tricare, for the first time in the 33 years I have been using it, has changed policies so they have been giving Drs a very hard time but they are all good people and have pushed through everything. So... May 24, 2011, I was sent to the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix.
The Mayo clinic is taking over everything as of My 24. They ran additional biopsies and pathology on me yesterday and there is no doubt that cancer is in the remaining thyroid and growing. Surgery is scheduled for July 1, 2011 (they had wanted it sooner but first I have to see a few more specialists,(they will definitely be running the PET scan as well despite Tricares initial refusal) and the three day vacation period will hopefully allow me to heal sufficiently so I don’t have to be off work… I spoke with Diane **** (HR specialist at ACS) and Amanda **** who keeps track of our vacation time and I have almost no vacation time left (already in the negative with all of the Drs appts and tests and only 13 more vacation hours and up to 12 sick hour left until July 1) and am trying to build a few sick days now so other time down will be without pay and after that 9 months of unemployment a couple of years back, there is nothing to fall back on . The Dr told me they would require two weeks recoup minimum. but there is no way I can do that. I have given away far too much of me and my things, and lost what else little I had. I don't want to lose my little rented townhome, my car or the little things I cherish so. I am tough as most know, and the first time they removed cancer from my throat, I left the hospital in 24 hours. But the body has taken a vicious beating since 2006 with breast, colon, skin, blood and throat cancer and other health problems which keep knocking me down. I will give it one damned good try though.
This surgery will NOT be easy and there is already a great deal of damage done to my vocal chords due to the prior surgery as well as to the current growth. Sadly,this Doctor also believes that I may have metastases from the breast cancer into the lungs and larnyx as well and cutting into me increases the risk that it will spread like wildfire. However, even if the Pet Scan proves it true that cancer has invaded the lungs and throat, we have no choice but to remove the growth in my throat as it is effecting my ability to eat and eventually breathe. I have begun spitting up blood as well, so time is not on my side.
Due to the already present scar tissue the chance of my losing my voice is vastly increased as is the chance of losing the para thyroids which will raise havoc with my calcium and other levels I think I am tired of cancer and surgery and doctors but I still love to see the sun rise and set and wish upon a star.
I also think my poetry reading days may behind me… at least I got three book signings of Shadows of Love in before this happened L. Definitely we know that my singing/lullabye days are gone, but that is okay as my children and my Jessie bear no longer need to hear those anyway...
Over the next three weeks, beginning on June 10, I will have to be at the Mayo clinic to see additional specialists (Cardiologist, Hematologist, Otolaryingologist and a speech pathologist)…They are assiging me a new oncologist. This hospital/clinic is imposing to me... Drs and interns wear Armani suits... check in points all over the place. It scares me. It is a long way to go (Loop 101 and 56th) but this is where they want me to be as so very much is going wrong at once. I somehow don't feel quite human when I enter those doors, just a bunch of symptoms and a patient number. I also feel that this is where they send you when things have grown desperate and wonder if I will walk out in July.
Currenntly, I am trying to line up friends now to help me get out there as currently they want to restrict my driving only to work and the store and back. Yesterday, while driving to work, I honestly did not know where I was until I crossed over the Kyrene railroad tracks on the way to work… Per the doctors, the tumor on the thyroid is creating endocrine problems that make me fuzzy at times in addition to effecting weight, breathing, heart and ability to eat. I am unable to hike or do much for any prolonged period and I tire so quickly.
James Bosworth, a dear sweet friend, got me to the clinic on May 24th and stood by me as the news hit home L I had hoped not to hear any of this. I cannot thank him enough for being my rock. My oldest son Douglas had been in communication with me for a little while and I know he is there... that helps. My son in law stopped in to gather some of my Jessie bears things, (I had so hoped to teach her to use that sewing machine I gave her and to travel more with her) andd hegave me a bear hug and told me not ot lose hope, and made me smile (but dear Robbie, seeing yet a little more of her taken away from me broke me and I have now given up hope. For now, these are the things I lean on; my friends, my memories, and my faith.
My Primary Surgeons name at the Mayo Clinic is Richard T Schlinkert. He is an Endocrine and Gastroinestinal Surgeon and a professor of surgery at the college of medicine… 5777 East Mayo Blvd Phoenix AZ 85054. He is thorough, very nice and I think I am in the best of hands… I am just scared and worn down and, in truth, inconsolable right now. If it did not hurt so much I would break down in to screams and tears. Dr. Christine Rosengren will continue to be my close back up here in Mesa. Phoenix seems so far away. My neighbor Alex has agreed to take the girls (Merriweather and Angel Heart) if I cannot care for them any more. I will not be able to drive for at least a week once I am released and they anticipate speech and breathing difficulties for up to three months. They are assigning me a speech pathologist in Scottsdale whom I see on June 17. This frightens me even more as it shows how great the chances of my never speaking again are.
My friend Jewel has offered to help with getting me to work (I will HAVE to go back whether Docs say it is okay or not).. and to some of the appointments down at Mayo. James Bosworth has also offered to be here when I need him but sweet man is also not feeling well. Getting old sucks ya know it? LOL Dan Greenberg, with all he has going on in his life with poor Karen being quite ill too, even offered to take me to Tucson if that became necessary... thankfully it isn't although the Mayo Clinic seems almost as far away... so far away from my dogs and home. :(
I have updated my Living Will and my DNR and will be putting them on file with the Mayo clinic/hospital as well. My neighbor Karen Greenbert witnessed the signing of my Power of Attorney and my Medical Power of attorney and all arrangements are made should things go south. I am meeting with a Navy Legal representative to make sure my legal affairs are in order (one of the so called perks I still get is them preparing my will etc)… and all my ducks are in a row. I will truly have nothing much to leave behind but memories... I hope most of them have been good ones for all of you. My intent is NOT to leave just yet as there is much I long to see and do... So, No, I am not being morbid, just pragmatic; something the older people who raised me taught me to do.
My hope, for now, is to finish these last two books (one of poetry and one of short stories and poetry (I write almost constantly now when not at work)... with the one poetry book being called Dancing with the Spirits of Shadowplay (the title should tell you I intend for it to be my last published book)... and my other... well, that will be under an assumed name but I have had fun writing and reasearchng it... and watch, it will be the money maker, well it worked for Anne Rice didn't it? ).
Dreams? I would love to have my children and grandchildren over to play and have dinner and hold them each once more. I have heard of the lies being perpetrated and know that when they truly search their hearts they will know the reality. At any rate, truth and reality will eventually win out and come out and I hope it does before time says no more.
I would like to have a party with my neighbors and friends both near and far... cook out, drink, swim and reminisce... I find myself looking back a great deal these days. Such again is the way of growing older.
There are friends I long to hold and say thank you too.
There are things I still have not done, like sky dive from a plane, learn to play the guitar and native american flute, take ballroom dancing again, and see Chaco Canyon in New Mexico and Yosemitee National Park. (Then too there is always Scottland; I so longed to see Scottland)
So... weary though I may be, the fight is on. I still have some angels watching over me.
In the mean time, know that I love you… keep me in your prayers and hearts. I will need prayer and love to see me through... Know that you are always in mine.
God Bless!
