“It has done me good to be somewhat parched by the heat and drenched by the rain of life,” Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
A few years ago, at my 50th Birthday party, my young granddaughter asked me how I felt about being “old”. I was taken aback, for I did not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction, she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting question and I would ponder it, and let her know. Now, as I near 60, have been seriously battling cancer (Stage 3 breast) for 7 years, have lost contact with her and other family members due to anger and resentments of things beyond anyone’s control, I am finally ready to give an answer to that question.
Old age, I have decided, is a gift. I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my scarred, battered, aging body- but I don't agonize over it for long.
As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so perfect on my southwestern patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many family members and dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to stay out in the desert and watch the sky will with stars? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 50's and 60's and 70’s , and if I at the same time wish to weep over a lost love, I will. Despite my daughter’s embarrassment over my show of emotions over a poem, a song, etc., I enjoy the fact that I can feel and know such joys and sorrows.
I know I am starting to be a little forgetful, at times. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten and I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough, despite the cancer and the struggles, to see my hair turning white and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves around my eyes. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
I can say "no", and mean it. I can say "yes", and mean it. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore. I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer the question, I like being old. It has set me free. And, despite what some people now think, I like the person I have become. I have learned that liking ME is the most important things I can do and it took me over half a century to do it.
Cancer has, in its own way, been a blessing as it showed me early on that I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. For the first time in my life, I don't have to have a reason to do the things I want to do; other than hold down a job to pay the bills. If I want to read a book on the patio all day, lay on the couch and watch old movies for hours or don't want to go to the mall or a movie, I have earned that right. I have put in my time doing everything for others, so now I can be a bit selfish without feeling guilty (even when others try VERY hard to make me feel so.)
I have learned a few facts in this circle of life that I would like to share with those who are still young:
- Don’t be bitter with your life path for it’s a path you and only you chose. Don’t ever lay blame on others (loved ones, God, ex-colleagues, whoever) for the choices that you made along the way. You had the choice to stay, leave, learn, forget, forgive, live, say and act. By blaming others, you become a victim of circumstance rather than a purveyor of choice.
- Put love before money and memories before things when you measure your success. I often wonder how wealthy the 60-year-old me will be in comparison to how happy the 60-year-old me will be. One thing I pray is that beyond wealth, I will know the joy in life’s real successes: happiness, love, family, time and health.
- Hear younger people, take an interest in their lives and ask them questions about their adventures. Make it about them and not about you. You’ve lived already; your story’s old hat. They’re the exciting, next generation, they’re still bumping their heads and writing their stories. Don’t interrupt them in their playful journey by expecting them to be interested in your already-forged, world-view. In any case, there’s probably a thing or two to be learned from people younger than you.
- Following from this, let go of your children. Let them run free and live their lives away from the apron strings. No one ever liked a meddling or interfering parent who — out of boredom or dissatisfaction with their own lives — gets overly involved. Balance your involvement but maintain the strong sense of family and togetherness without the toxicity; if they will let you and you will let them.
- Don’t use this time as an excuse to slow down, watch more television and forget what it means to keep active. The best 60-year-olds are the ones who still have the energy to live. And of course a sedentary lifestyle will make you wilt. So keep moving: cut the lawn, paint the kitchen, walk the dogs and clean out your cupboards. And if you’re up to it, cycle races and climb mountains and swim rivers. Don’t become a prisoner in your own body because you’ve neglected your health over the years and it’s now too late to fix.
- Maintain stimulating friendships and don’t sink into solitude. I don’t think people plan to be old and lonely and yet so many turn out that way. Be a person you would want to hang out with, debate interesting things, keep thinking, have a sense of humor and be interesting. Don’t push people away because you’re 60, completely uninteresting and an emotional drain.
- At 60-years-old, your childhood is no longer an excuse. Read, rediscover and reinvent who you are rather than using a lifetime-ago childhood as an excuse for bad behavior. We are never too old to change or grow. Our life’s work should be to constantly improve on our younger self.
- Don’t live in the past or drag people into yours. The past is one of the best teachers we will ever have but it’s also the greatest waste of now. Appreciate today for what it is and get on with the now.
- Forget the small stuff -- small fights, nitpicking and nagging. Chill out, stay even-tempered and have a good time.
You know, I sometimes feel sorry for the young. They face a far different world than I knew growing up, where we feared the law, respected the old, the flag, our country. I never felt the need to use filthy language in order to express myself. And they too will grow old someday.
I am grateful to have been born when I was, into a kinder, gentler world. I am grateful for the wonderful man I met and married almost 40 years ago and who now waits for me, just on the other side. I am grateful for the chance just to be.
We have but one life to live and it is never long enough… therefore, make it count!
