Amy Tan once wrote: "I did not lose myself all at once. I rubbed out my features over the years; washing away my pain the same way carvings on stone are worn away by water." Sound familiar to anyone? It resonnates deep within me today.. and echoes hauntingly every day.
Except for this blog, I have removed myself from things like FB, Linked in etc, mostly do to adversarial bullying and, per my doctors, for health reasons... my own and Tom's. Neither of us is fairing well, he, sadly, has been having a more difficult time than usual and we both know our time is short. We shall continue to support one another through these health battles and when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on then....
Life has always been my adversary and like you dear reader, I hope I have proven a worthy opponent. Life batters us whether we are rich or poor, public or private. The wound we suffer may be an open cut or a slow, silent hemmorrhage of the spirit. On the outside I know I may look as if I have my act together, but right now, as has often occured in my life (and no doubt yours), I am in a dark and stormy place where I feel very small, very fragile, and very frightened. I feel as if I might shatter into a thousand pieces and break into a heart rending series of sobs at something as simples as a "how are you?" or the hug of a friend.
With the support of my doctors, my friends, my neighbors, and Tom, I am learning to be kinder to myself at moments like this; not to beat myself up as there are plenty of things and others to do that for me. I have learned to acknowledge the fact, that whether some like it or not, my feelings ARE valid, my fears are very real, and my needs are equal to the next persons.
I hope that each of you now reading this will recall during these difficult moments in life that your first duty is to love yourself into wholeness--into wellness. I know it is not that easy is it? So how then do we do this? By pampering yourself with simple pleasures and small indulgences. Could you bring home something wonderful for dinner? Maybe order carry out (or delivery) from your favorite Chinese restaraunt? How about treating yourself to your favorite potted plant (in my case cactus) or a bouquet of your favorite flowers (in my case daisies) If you can't take a day off from work just to indulge in a matinee, perhaps you could go by the video store, rent two or three classics and have a movie marathon with hot buttered popcorn. How about indulging in a trip to your favorite ice cream shop, or if you are like me, and hunger for the sun and the solitude of nature, a hike in the desert or a walk around your favorite park? Enjoy basking in the sunshine, listening to the birds chirp and watching other fauna play among the flora.
See you can. None of use has to do everything or be everything for everyone else ALL of the time. If you, like me, have reached the point where you can't possibly do one more thing without screaming or crying, your are probably right... so start right now by saying NO!. I am sorry. I have a prior commitment.
In truth, you do have a prior commitment. Today you need to be there for yourself. Remember we all need time alone once in a while... to revive, to reinvest, to nurture, calm and reclaim ourselves.
Then we will be ready to take on the hurdles, obstacles, pains, as well as the joys, laughter, and love of life.
As I have had to learn to let go as I reclaim my authentic life... the person I have always been but kept hidden because of others needs or judgements or anger... I have learned to care more for me... as I care and will continue to care for those I love; no matter what. And I have learned it is okay to be sorry...
I Am Sorry (Jess)
It’s cold here in this valley
Now it always seems that way
And I never stop thinking about you
Each and every day
Thinking about our good times
The loss of which left me in such pain
Thinking about how bad it is
Doing anything without you again.
I am sorry for the way things are in our country
I am sorry things are not what they used to be
More than anything else
I am sorry for myself
Because you are not here with me.
Your friends ALL ask about you
I say I think you are doing fine.
And I expect you to walk through
The front door almost any time.
But they can see I have been crying
And I can’t sleep at night
They all know I am dying
Deep down inside
I am sorry for all the lies
They have told you
(But we both knew this
Was going to come)
I am sorry for the things I did not say
But more than anything else,
I am sorry for myself
I can’t believe she took you away.
I am sorry now for times taken for granted
I am sorry for the restraints and hate
they put on you
But more than anything else
Selfishly I am sorry for myself
For having to live without you.
You will always be my sunshine and my treasure.
I love you.
