My candle burns at both its end;
It will not last the night.
But oh my foes and oh my friends;
It doth give a wondrous light. ~Edna St Vincent Millay
This was always one of my favorite poems and I would quote it to my children my late husband, and currently to Tom. I quoted it to my Dr. yesterday, as I am learning, through all of the recent tests once again being performed, that I am battling health issues and she informed that my “body is burned out.”
“I got news for you “Doc”; I AM BURNED OUT… and there is not a damned thing you or I can do about it.”
Burnout, as I am fully aware, is a condition caused by unbalance; too much work or responsibility, too little time to do it, over too long a period. I have been cruising in the fast lane but I have been running on fumes rather than on fuel for years. I have always thought that burnout is something that just happens to other women – to workaholics and perfectionists, as well as caregivers. To those women who care deeply about their children, work, relationships, parents, siblings, friends, communities and other issues; which in this day and age sound like every woman I know. Perhaps I would have paid more attention to burnout if it were as dramatic as a heart attack… oh wait, I have had a couple of those. Duh! You see, a smoldering flame really can become as deadly as a flash fire. L
Sometimes burnout manifests itself as a sense of complete exhaustion at the end of a project that has taken months of challenging and intense work. Taking a week off to rest, then resuming work at a slower pace is usually enough to bring about a speedy recover. But first-degree burnout, the soul snuffer as my oncologist called it yesterday, comes from living unbalance for years; when what was supposed to be a temporary situation becomes a lifestyle.
Burnout often begins with illness – anything from a bout of flu you can’t shake to chronic fatigue syndrome – to heart attack – to cancer. It is usually accompanied by depression. Sometimes, burnout is hard to distinguish from a creative dry spell, especially if you are good at denial; ( meet Cleo).
It’s burnout when you go to bed exhausted every night and wake up tired every morning – when no amount of sleep refreshes you, month after weary month.
It’s burnout when everything becomes too much effort; combing your hair, going out to dinner, visiting friends, walking your beloved dogs.
It’s burnout when you can’t believe, under any circumstances that you will EVER want to make love again.
It’s burnout when you find yourself cranky all the time, bursting into tears or going into fits or rage at the slightest provocation ( wish my daughter could read this one)
It’s burnout when you dread the next phone call (which may explain my increasing urge to throw my cell phone into the nearest toilet)
It’s burnout when you feel trapped and hopeless, unable to dream, experience pleasure, or find contentment.
It’s burnout when neither big thrills nor little moments have the power to move you – when nothing satisfies you because you haven’t a clue what’s wrong or how to fix it.
It’s burnout when you feel there is not one other person on the face of the earth who can help you..
AND YOU ARE RIGHT!!!
As health issues, the economy, family problems, etc continue to engulf me ( and others) in growing waves that are beginning to feel like tsunami, you are the only person on earth who can help because you are the only one who can make the lifestyle changes that need to be made. To call a halt, to take a slower path, to make a detour from the road you are currently on.
True, I (nor my readers) can change the economy, health issues, even family problems, but we can change our attitude to them or the time we invest in worry. We can draw boundary lines, insist that we are as important as the next person, and learn to live with a little less to have a little more.
When you have no strength left, as is currently my situation, then you have no choice but to rely on the strength of a saner Power to restore you to Wholeness.
In the pursuit of our souls, the Creator takes no prisoners.
Burnt offerings
Burned to a crisp
Burned beyond recognition
Burned alive
Burned out….
I am letting go and letting God.
