Knowing her so well I knew that it had to be important and returned the call immediately. Not even saying hello, I said, "what's wrong" and my little Texas girl dissolved into tears as she said "my mom is gone"
I had befriended her mother years ago... almost 20 in fact. She was emotionally shattered, drug addicted, and had MPD (three personalities that we knew of for sure). She had a wonderful little girl inside her, a sad depressed core, and an angry and very destructive third persona. She was also pretty, charming, and, despite her troubled mind had a heart as big as Texas.
More than once I was called to her house only to have her transported to local hospitals to have her levarged after suicide attempts. She had been attempting suicide since she was about 12 years old. We always managed to bring her back from the brink but the pain that lived inside her soul was always far too great.
Her two children grew up, mostly without her physical presence but never out of her heart. Each has their own families now and lived a state away from her (Brenda had left Pensacola where we had met and moved back to her home state of NM in the early 1990s. The call that my little girl in Texas received today was devastating.
We chatted for about ten minutes on that first call. I told her that, although I could not travel out to her, I would be available by phone ANY time of the day or night... and that I was always with her in heart and mind. I reminded her what a wonderful daughter she had been. That she had given her very best to a mother whose mental health had always been in the balance... and that her mother knew she loved her.
Later today, after thinking of all of the good times and bad times I went through with her mother and my Texas Daughter and her brother... I called her back. As I thought, she is alone right now (except for her children). Her husband is currently in Finland and will not be home until Saturday so she is waiting until Sunday to head out to New Mexico. Her father was an absolute ass when she called to tell him that her mom (Brenda) had died. No sympathy... no love... Just asked if she died from an overdose and told her she should have stopped caring about her years ago Thank God Angie got her mother's heart and NOT her father's)
I spent a half an hour on the phone with her this time. The Powers that Be let me hold on to my voice for one last time as I sang the song to Angie that her mother had asked me years ago to sing... The Rose. Angie cried hard and then told me she was so glad I was still here for her. How I wish I could be at her side. So hard to lose you mother.
I told her that her mother loved her so very much. Though her mind was disturbed, her heart never was and the thing that kept pulling her back to life were her daughter and her son...I told her that her mother had now become that rose and was in the sun... she was finally at peace and walking beside her all the time now.
She has decided to cremate her mother (most affordable) and as she had wanted to be buried with her sister and her mother, scatter some of the ashes on each of the graves and some on a rose bush... the rest she is going to keep. I plan on getting her a special cremation "vile" that will decoratively let her keep her mother close to her heart... she said she would like that.
I am hoping, if finances are with me, to send Angie some yellow roses... her mother's favorite.
How I hate the fact that I cannot get to her... she needs to be held.
I then recalled a quote by Henry David Thoreau: “On the death of a friend, we should consider that the fates through confidence have devolved on us the task of a double living, that we have henceforth to fulfill the promise of our friend's life also, in our own, to the world.”
So my sweet Brenda... as I light a fire tonight and send a rose to heaven with your favorite song, I will try in what days the Good Lord gives me to live for you as well... you will continue to join me in my dance of shadowplay.
I will look after your little girl... I always have.
Crying
Good night sweet friend. I know Doug is giving you a big bear hug and your Mom is holding her little girl again and you are free from pain. Dream the dreams of angels.
Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower
And you, its only seed
It's the heart, afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
That never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
Who cannot seem to give
And the soul, afraid of dying
That never learns to live
When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long
And you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed
That with the sun's love, in the spring
Becomes the rose
