Saturday, November 15, 2014
A Day of Magic and Miracles
Since my layoff from Qwest Communications back in 2008, and after being un employed for 9 months, selling off my stocks, closing out my 401K and using every last bit of savings before even taking the meager unemployment that Arizona laughingly offers people (240.00 a week which will not even pay a person's rent let alone utilities, food, car, gas, etc) I finally landed a job through a temp agency... and I have been working temp jobs ever since.
I have managed to keep myself gainfully employed over these last almost 7 years despite the serious economic restraints of our deteriorating government and my own health issues. However, I also have had to deal with the gut wrenching fear of NOT being employed again when each contract job has ended, not having any paid sick leave or vacation time. Yesterday, all of that finally came to an end.
My current contract with Alcoa was coming to a close. Their general policy is NOT to retain their contract workers (no direct hire) after one year... so the panic was already setting in. Initially they denied any extension my Manager Jeff was requesting. Then he came up with a wonderful brainstorming idea... and I was informed late yesterday afternoon that I am to remain with HIM for as long as I want. Some duties will change (more will be added) and my office location will not longer be in his building (even though I will be still working directly for him) but the Plant Manager (who already sought me out to edit and publish the weekly news letter and to assit him with the monthly business report) wants me up in the main office section to be the "face of the business" This will take me some getting used to as I don't like being out in front of people but, I will adapt.
Jeff worked magic and miracles over the course of this past week to ensure that not only does he get to keep me (I have made a great deal of successful strides in my year at the plant, including getting the plant upt to 100 percent trained over the last 7 months -- a feet that has never happened) but he has insured that I will now have paid medical time off and paid holidays and vacation time. All of this JUST in time for the major surgery I face in January. When he came into my office yesterday he said.. "Bonnie Pike would you please stand up." In all honesty, I was certain I was being terminated that day and walked out. However, Jeff said... I am a hugger so deal with it and gave me a big bear hug as he said... you are not going anywhere.. I get to keep you on my payroll indefinitely.
For the first time since I left Pensacola... and my job with Centre Group Properties... I finally feel valued as an employee and as a person. I was taught to work hard by depression era parents and not to expect warm fuzzies, but I was also raised in an era where companies and employees had loyalty to one another. That era has rapidly diminished but in this young Manager and my Plant Manager (who is the same age as my oldest son Douglas) I have found those solid beliefs, work ethics and apprecatiation. I have found a home.
Financial woes will not go away as I stil fight to regain my footing after those very bad 9 months of unemployment, cancer which will not stop rearing its ugly head, and the wonderful government taxation system hell bent on keeping most us as the working class poor. But I have a job I love, a great team I work with.... and I have been acknowledged for my hard work and loyalty. Something that has not happened in a very long long time.
I saw my one eye specialist again yesterday as they do bi weekly test on the tumor growing in my good eye. The tumor has not grown any larger... whew. So my time line is still safe. I will see her again in two weeks to have it reviewed again. January 8 is still the set date for this frightening procedure which will either save my sight or destroy it immediately.
I also heard from my brother Joshua. They are expecting another baby... another girl!
How is that for a day willed with Magic and Miracles.
God is good... and today is another wonder-filled day.
Now off to clean the house, play with my shephards, and then head out to celebrate with friends. So much stress is still ahead of me... but so much weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Millenials.... the culture that may destroy America
Youth culture has become the dominant popular culture upon which most of Western society fixates. Technology has created virtual public spaces thus increasing popular culture’s perceived ubiquity. Any object or totem that can successfully package itself as "novel" acts as a metallic fishing lure. Often within hours the object is existentially justified as "popular" because it appears to be "popular", creating a feedback-loop.
Our accelerating obsession with youth culture is symptomatic of a secularized society unequipped to cope with mortality. The regeneration of every ephemeral pursuit promises a new distraction. In addition to entertainment, we embrace the social signals that we believe that object will confer onto our public identity or “personal brand”; a thin sticker to peel and place on our chest for others to see. Millenials are a generation who have taken a Madison Avenue maxim and turned it into a creed; “Perception is Everything”.
The proverbial cultural landfill is brimming with exercise videos, political slogans, actors, electronics, game consoles, makeup, car parts, t-shirts, gourmet-fads, and compact discs; the ego’s excrement. And so this week, certain politicians find themselves in a pile of collective detritus half covered by an NBA poster and a ‘War on Women’ bumper sticker. A proverbial dump truck backs in to drop two tons of Gaga, old iPods and reality-shows on top of it. [beep, beep, beep]
In the absence of higher cultural values, rudderless citizens have a tendency to conflate their own self-worth with surface-level choices such as sports teams, health trends, pop-music, and platitudes of every stripe. A secularized society has vested so much of themselves into low-hanging cultural signposts that to critically evaluate culture is increasingly "a hate crime". Our prejudice against prejudice has matured into oppression.
Millennials have a galaxy of information at their fingertips and yet it turns out, as a mathematical reality, more options means more difficulty in prioritizing the valuable ones. An idling computer alone represents access to billions of pieces of data but the scarcity of time has not changed. Furthermore, the more valuable a cultural choice, the less it appeals to immediate sensory stimulation or ego patronage. Our predecessors tacitly understood that this “transcendence” was what separated us from the animal world. Even though the physical world could not be transcended in this life, no matter how high we elevate our culture, the act of "ever-trying" was piety itself. Millenials are not merely satisfied with allowing room for relaxing visceral entertainment, they require that we view those choices as "equal"; an act of ego protection no doubt.
Economists will recognize this as the ratio of “risk” and “reward”. You defer the immediate sensory gratification of flipping through pictures of “cats in costumes” and instead invest in studying Tocqueville or Bach. Millenials wish to view all choices as options sitting in a vending machine. Our choice is based off of what the packaging purports to do for us “here” and “now”. Press B6 for Socrates or C10 for Gangnam Style. Millenials’ attitudes are the result of general prosperity and low birth rates; infantilized adults believing they are "intellectuals" by 18 yet have not earned nothing. It's intoxicating to believe that using a touch-pad while sitting on your couch precludes you from the same fate as your predecessors. How anesthetizing to disconnect one's ego from the responsibilities and achievements of history! To cast the Founders as "Otherness", as if we won't end up in the same single-sentence byline 2000 years from now.
As an avid hiker I have developed a saying:
“Of those strangers I meet on a mountain’s summit, I do not know much, other than they did not get there by accident.”
This is why I eschew the “I voted” stickers and Facebook badges that make their rounds on Election Day. If you were so apathetic or distracted that a sticker was the impetus for you to make far-reaching decision, then you probably don’t share my values. Hmmm… the “I voted” sticker… what an opportune example of what we’ve been articulating thus far; a distracting social signpost that essentially communicates nothing other than to confer cheap altruism on its wearer.
The situation is cyclical. The millions who invest their fleeting lives into surface level distractions also have a vested interest in protecting their own ego. Thus the only true sin under the “dictatorship of relativism” is to recognize that The King Has No Clothes.
To millenials Obama is merely sticker whose surface is no longer distracting. Sitting in the dumping grounds of good intentions is a smelly balled-up diaper that reads "Hope & Change 2008" on the rear. [beep, beep, beep].
Instead Millenials have turned away from Obama because his kitsch has grown tired; he no longer distracts us and that's intolerable. We have spent the pittance of visceral sentimentality and embracing the Obama badge no longer projects cheap altruism onto our “personal brand”. We are left with an empty totem that is neither "novel" nor "nostalgic" (comes from the Greek word for Homesickness). The Obama brand was projected and received as a piece of art whose legacy can be summed up in 3 meaningless words "He was black".
Dissenting voices should not take Obama's abandonment as a sign that Millenials have embraced the higher values of industriousness, self-determination, tradition, responsibility, and the American Enlightenment. On the contrary, in true Millennial fashion most stayed home, disillusioned with politics they are seeking out other distractions. In the meantime utopianism will need to find a novel coat of paint in order to represent itself to Generation Z. It's ironic that a culture obsessed with newness leverages the tastes of youth who are in the weakest position to define what is "new" or "progressive" since they have the shallowest wells upon which to draw.
Millenials are an infantilized generation. Our commercials are set to toddler-like xylophone/guitar melodies. Our applications are dressed in sophomoric imagery "smiley suns" and "frowning rain clouds". Even our signage is soft bubbly and maternal; banal niceties that in decades-past would have been more befitting of a nursery. The lower-case ‘f’ on Facebook is “cute” and the soft-blue Twitter bird is iconography out of a potty-training book. Perhaps language itself will be deemed too "disruptive" and "counter-current" to our pleasures in which case we can communicate with sentimental shapes and tears.
My younger brother asked me why Drudge Report and American Thinker appear so atavistic compared to other contemporary sites. I replied, "Its because the value is in the ideas". Isn't there something refreshing about the understated design of American Thinker? Like its peers, it fails to pander to novel sentimentality. It only bequeaths its rewards to those willing to think!
Sometimes I feel as though I am slamming on the doors of the preschool saying "let me out" and in unison the collective says "that's not very nice." Perhaps it is already “The Brave New World” wrought with “warm fuzzies” and Soma drug (pot?) to anesthetize a generation fixated on its own reflection.
Millenials are adult children lying in a crib looking upward with etch-a-sketch minds as a digital mobile slowly revolves for our sensory pleasure. If it doesn’t make us feel good “here” and “now” we’ll throw it out of our crib.
Our accelerating obsession with youth culture is symptomatic of a secularized society unequipped to cope with mortality. The regeneration of every ephemeral pursuit promises a new distraction. In addition to entertainment, we embrace the social signals that we believe that object will confer onto our public identity or “personal brand”; a thin sticker to peel and place on our chest for others to see. Millenials are a generation who have taken a Madison Avenue maxim and turned it into a creed; “Perception is Everything”.
The proverbial cultural landfill is brimming with exercise videos, political slogans, actors, electronics, game consoles, makeup, car parts, t-shirts, gourmet-fads, and compact discs; the ego’s excrement. And so this week, certain politicians find themselves in a pile of collective detritus half covered by an NBA poster and a ‘War on Women’ bumper sticker. A proverbial dump truck backs in to drop two tons of Gaga, old iPods and reality-shows on top of it. [beep, beep, beep]
In the absence of higher cultural values, rudderless citizens have a tendency to conflate their own self-worth with surface-level choices such as sports teams, health trends, pop-music, and platitudes of every stripe. A secularized society has vested so much of themselves into low-hanging cultural signposts that to critically evaluate culture is increasingly "a hate crime". Our prejudice against prejudice has matured into oppression.
Millennials have a galaxy of information at their fingertips and yet it turns out, as a mathematical reality, more options means more difficulty in prioritizing the valuable ones. An idling computer alone represents access to billions of pieces of data but the scarcity of time has not changed. Furthermore, the more valuable a cultural choice, the less it appeals to immediate sensory stimulation or ego patronage. Our predecessors tacitly understood that this “transcendence” was what separated us from the animal world. Even though the physical world could not be transcended in this life, no matter how high we elevate our culture, the act of "ever-trying" was piety itself. Millenials are not merely satisfied with allowing room for relaxing visceral entertainment, they require that we view those choices as "equal"; an act of ego protection no doubt.
Economists will recognize this as the ratio of “risk” and “reward”. You defer the immediate sensory gratification of flipping through pictures of “cats in costumes” and instead invest in studying Tocqueville or Bach. Millenials wish to view all choices as options sitting in a vending machine. Our choice is based off of what the packaging purports to do for us “here” and “now”. Press B6 for Socrates or C10 for Gangnam Style. Millenials’ attitudes are the result of general prosperity and low birth rates; infantilized adults believing they are "intellectuals" by 18 yet have not earned nothing. It's intoxicating to believe that using a touch-pad while sitting on your couch precludes you from the same fate as your predecessors. How anesthetizing to disconnect one's ego from the responsibilities and achievements of history! To cast the Founders as "Otherness", as if we won't end up in the same single-sentence byline 2000 years from now.
As an avid hiker I have developed a saying:
“Of those strangers I meet on a mountain’s summit, I do not know much, other than they did not get there by accident.”
This is why I eschew the “I voted” stickers and Facebook badges that make their rounds on Election Day. If you were so apathetic or distracted that a sticker was the impetus for you to make far-reaching decision, then you probably don’t share my values. Hmmm… the “I voted” sticker… what an opportune example of what we’ve been articulating thus far; a distracting social signpost that essentially communicates nothing other than to confer cheap altruism on its wearer.
The situation is cyclical. The millions who invest their fleeting lives into surface level distractions also have a vested interest in protecting their own ego. Thus the only true sin under the “dictatorship of relativism” is to recognize that The King Has No Clothes.
To millenials Obama is merely sticker whose surface is no longer distracting. Sitting in the dumping grounds of good intentions is a smelly balled-up diaper that reads "Hope & Change 2008" on the rear. [beep, beep, beep].
"Hey,Joe what do you want me to do with all this Hope & Change?"
"I dunno, go park it by the incinerator, let's go grab a sandwich"
Obama is a 20-watt bulb who uncorked the tired swill of collectivist-utopia for a generation that lacked the perspective and maturity to contextualize it… but that is not why he’s become unpopular with Millenials.Instead Millenials have turned away from Obama because his kitsch has grown tired; he no longer distracts us and that's intolerable. We have spent the pittance of visceral sentimentality and embracing the Obama badge no longer projects cheap altruism onto our “personal brand”. We are left with an empty totem that is neither "novel" nor "nostalgic" (comes from the Greek word for Homesickness). The Obama brand was projected and received as a piece of art whose legacy can be summed up in 3 meaningless words "He was black".
Dissenting voices should not take Obama's abandonment as a sign that Millenials have embraced the higher values of industriousness, self-determination, tradition, responsibility, and the American Enlightenment. On the contrary, in true Millennial fashion most stayed home, disillusioned with politics they are seeking out other distractions. In the meantime utopianism will need to find a novel coat of paint in order to represent itself to Generation Z. It's ironic that a culture obsessed with newness leverages the tastes of youth who are in the weakest position to define what is "new" or "progressive" since they have the shallowest wells upon which to draw.
Millenials are an infantilized generation. Our commercials are set to toddler-like xylophone/guitar melodies. Our applications are dressed in sophomoric imagery "smiley suns" and "frowning rain clouds". Even our signage is soft bubbly and maternal; banal niceties that in decades-past would have been more befitting of a nursery. The lower-case ‘f’ on Facebook is “cute” and the soft-blue Twitter bird is iconography out of a potty-training book. Perhaps language itself will be deemed too "disruptive" and "counter-current" to our pleasures in which case we can communicate with sentimental shapes and tears.
My younger brother asked me why Drudge Report and American Thinker appear so atavistic compared to other contemporary sites. I replied, "Its because the value is in the ideas". Isn't there something refreshing about the understated design of American Thinker? Like its peers, it fails to pander to novel sentimentality. It only bequeaths its rewards to those willing to think!
Sometimes I feel as though I am slamming on the doors of the preschool saying "let me out" and in unison the collective says "that's not very nice." Perhaps it is already “The Brave New World” wrought with “warm fuzzies” and Soma drug (pot?) to anesthetize a generation fixated on its own reflection.
Millenials are adult children lying in a crib looking upward with etch-a-sketch minds as a digital mobile slowly revolves for our sensory pleasure. If it doesn’t make us feel good “here” and “now” we’ll throw it out of our crib.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
In the Natural Order of Life, Most of Us Will Live to See Our Mother's Die...
In the natural order of life, women (and men) live to see their mothers die. As inevitable as that event may be, it is still an especially traumatic and complex loss for a woman. Whether her relationship with her mother was close and loving, distant or distressed, death stirs deep emotional responses which may be difficult to manage or resolve.
My mother, Mary Carr Breuilly, left this world one year ago today, November 9, 2013… The news of her passing came not from my sister but from friends who had ensured that I was kept up to date on her health and happiness despite the distance that kept me so far away. Sadly I learned that her happiness was lost when she was placed into a nursing home… a fate she had dreaded all her life. I learned this from so many of her old friends and neighbors… I wish my sister had called. I would have brought her to be with me.
I live with that knowledge now, daily, and grieve even more the loss of her and the loss to so many.
How I wish I had been with you
Whispering words that would soothe,
To guide you gently to that door.
So I could give you the confidence
Of the relief I know you now find there,
The solace and comfort of your next adventure,
The shedding of your once beautiful shell,
Delicate now in all the years and gravity,
To guide you gently to that door.
So I could give you the confidence
Of the relief I know you now find there,
The solace and comfort of your next adventure,
The shedding of your once beautiful shell,
Delicate now in all the years and gravity,
How precious you will always be to me,
And how life will embrace you again,
Glorious journey of curiosity and glimmering,
Shining hope of another journey.
And how life will embrace you again,
Glorious journey of curiosity and glimmering,
Shining hope of another journey.
The heart of a now broken family
My beautiful mother,
My beautiful mother,
My once-upon-a-time,
Savior of my perseverance.
Today, though far away,
Savior of my perseverance.
Today, though far away,
Let me quietly sing to you of
What I know you have now found
What I know you have now found
The Light,
The gateway to the Next.
The gateway to the Next.
I love you Mom. Be at Peace
We will all be together again
One day, soon.
One day, soon.
The impact of a mother’s death ripples through several circles of an individual’s life.
The loss can be felt in a number of ways, from practical to emotional to spiritual. If the relationship was close, the loss of emotional intimacy is profound. If the relationship was ambivalent or troubled, researchers say, unresolved feelings of anger or frustration may become stronger and more disturbing after the mother’s death.
Typically, a woman/man must deal not only with her/his own reactions to a mother’s death, but also those of the family. Women and men often are expected to be a source of strength for all in the grieving process. He/she has lost a mother. If he/she has children, they have lost a grandmother. The quality of these and other relationships may have varied dramatically, and the survivors’ needs may be quite different.
If the mother was an integral part of her daughter’s/son’s family life—cooking, caring for children or helping family members get along with each other—then the loss may be crippling for the family as a whole. The child care crisis may threaten the family’s financial stability. Rifts among family members may worsen without the matriarchal “glue” that once smoothed them over.
A person may find their closest relationships unsettled by the loss, as well. For instance, a common response for some (this included me) is greater involvement in work and other external interests.
Another person may more often turn inward. He/she may struggle through a range of emotions and may, for periods, lose interest in routine or outside interest.
Grief has no prescribed timetable; normal mourning moved through endless forms.
Regardless of the nature of the loss, it presents and often demands an opportunity for emotional growth and self-knowledge. And, I know that my mother is with her beloved husband Ed Breuilly, her sisters and friends…
I hope my journey to meet them is not too long… I miss her… all of them… so very much.
Heaven has another sweet angel… I miss you mom.
As I journey toward life's sunset
Mourning her who went before
Faith assures me, I'll be with her
When I reach the other shore.
Mourning her who went before
Faith assures me, I'll be with her
When I reach the other shore.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
The Next Two Years will be Dangerous Ones for Our Country and Her Citizens
President Obama and his "regime" took yet another, and more serious shallacking yesterday in the midterm elections. The Republicans won landslide victories throughout the country! Congratulations to each and every one of them!
Voters clearly and forcefully rejected the party, politics and policies of President Obama. They slapped his socialist agenda back into the days of Soviet gulags, where it belongs.
His grand visions of mighty government ruling unchecked over desperate ghettos have been snuffed out.
Gone, too, were the so-called “low-information voters” who have been coaxed to the polls since 2008 on lies and false promises that the federal government would solve all their problems.
They are used up and wrung out.
Even the onslaught of threats and desperate accusations in endless emails to their Obamaphones couldn’t motivate those people to the polls one more time.
Voters rejected the craven, crass and Mafioso tactics of Senate Leader Harry Reid.
Voters stripped him of his baldly partisan use of the United States Senate as a graveyard for all House legislation in order to protect his Democrats from tough votes and insulate the President from reality.
The little man with giant fists got staggered by a nasty uppercut from voters even though Reid saw it coming for weeks. Now, the ex-boxer stumbles on the canvas all tangled in the ropes, waiting for the bell.
And voters also rejected the loony-toon delusions of House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi. Honestly, the woman should be running a hat and wig shop in Haight-Ashbury, selling weed and prescription pills on the side. How it is that Democrats in Congress have taken her so seriously for so long will baffle historians for decades.
The silver lining for Democrats today is now they now have the perfect excuse to bounce both of them out of leadership forever.
And this is where things get very, very dangerous for America. President Obama still has two more years left in his final term.
Already, he has demonstrated again and again that he has no regard for the constitution or the legitimacy of laws when they do not suit his agenda. He flaunts his disregard for the constitutional process, dismisses laws he doesn’t like and rewrites others.
He mocks the powers of Congress. The Supreme Court has slapped him down more than any president in recent times. All of this as he tells us he is an expert on constitutional law.
He is now making VERY explicit threats to pass more illegal and unconstitutional presidential edicts to grant amnesty to illegal aliens already in the United States. This, in turn, will issue invitations for millions more illegals to come streaming across the border.
It will not end at immigration. Unchecked power is addictive.
Disowned by Democrats and made to feel irrelevant in this election, President Obama’s enormous and unjustified ego is deeply wounded. He is frustrated and feels caged, cornered. This is when people like him are most dangerous.
Buoyant Republicans will make an effort to engage him.
But President Obama is not a listener. He is not a negotiator. He is not a learner. He will just take what he wants. It is easier that way.
Franklin D. Roosevelt’s court-packing scheme during the Great Depression was nothing like the strains this president has put on Constitution. Indeed, not since the Civil War has America faced such a dire threat to her existence as a lawful, constitutional republic.
The difference in leadership between then and now could not be more striking.
To bind the union, Abraham Lincoln took an economic and political war and elevated it into something higher. He made it about emancipating slaves and won. And saved the Republic.
This president does the opposite. He got elected promising to elevate politics but instead finds unity and sows discord, often inciting racial divisions.
America’s only hope today is that President Obama finally turns to the bust of Lincoln he keeps in the Oval Office and listens.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Yes Dear God... This time you truly did give me a mountain.
I met with the one eye specialist
yesterday. My very special thanks to
Marcy and her daughter, Toni-Lynn for being there for me yesterday
The tests yesterday afternoon left me basically unable to
see anything but a massive blur When all the days tests were run, and the hospital quieted down,when I was not crying, I
slept. No work today as I have to remain here for a few more tests before they release me. Hopefully I can leave here by 5:00
Everyone thinks I should take tomorrow off as well but I simply cannot
afford to and now, with more medical bills coming down… ah well.
As of now the news is already not good and surgery has been
scheduled for January 8, 2015. Funny how I seem to greet each New Year
battling yet another health issue and having something cut off of me. They wanted to do it sooner but I need to
have Tom down here to take care of the dogs (and unfortunately me) for at least
a week. The chances are 50-50 that I
will come out of this with my site at all.
If I do, I will at least be able to see and have these damned headaches
go away for a little while. This surgery
has me terrified.
Now to hear what the next specialist says
about the other problem…
I still can't imagine not seeing this
beautiful world God has given us... to not see the gorgeous AZ sunrise or the
magnificent sunsets, the star filled sky with Orion and his guiding belt, the
majesty and mystery of the ever changing Superstition... I have much I want to
see. So very very much. I want to finish
this book I am writing… I want. Ah
well, “if wishes were horses, even beggars would ride.”
I am afraid. The idea of this surgery frightens me for,
except for about 20 minutes of twilight sleep when they put me to sleep to
properly paralyze and numb the eye and prep me in other areas… I will be wide awake… so they
can talk to me. Yes, Dear God, this time
you truly did give me a mountain.
Friday, October 17, 2014
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
I Will See You Again...
61 Years ago this October 17, the Universe welcomed my soul mate, Douglas James Pike into this world. I can't help but wonder what he would look like today. As I watch older couples walk through stores or down a street and see them holding hands... I long for his touch as well and wish we were together again. Sixteen years ago, God took him home... and I have been so lost without him.
Wishing you a Happy Birthday my love. Wait for me on Brickyard Road... someday we will celebrate it together again... in style
I little knew that morning
That God
Was going to call your name
In life I loved you dearly
... ... In death I do the same
It broke my heart to lose you
But you did not go alone
For parts of me went with you
The day God called you Home
You left me wonderful memories
Your love is still my guide
And though I cannot see you
I feel you constantly at my side.
Our sweet family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same
But as God calls us
One by one
The chain will link again.
You will always be with me...
Sunday, October 12, 2014
IN GOD'S Hands
I realized that I have struggled to hold on to what was never mine at all. What I have finally learned, in both this battle for sight I face ( on my own by choice) and for love is that it is time for me to let go grounded firmly in reality, grace, and love.
If God has truly set this mountain in front of me than I have let HIM know that I will not climb it and my fight is over. It is in His hands now and I am letting go... Letting go.
This is what life has taught me about Letting go:
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you,coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said "...they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person or that you do not love them, care about them or need them. It just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. I know it's dead and that it is over and I am through with false hope and cruelty
Let me tell you something.. Today, I've finally received the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift I am told, Oh, it's not that you or I am leaving them, I am simply letting go; Father Craig has told me it's about being faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much painful effort, I don't need it.
So today Let go~
Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ....... LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth......
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you. LET IT GO!!! (To me anger is a wasted emotion that sucks all the energy out of the room)
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... ..
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs orvtalents
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude.... ....
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him.........
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. ....
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves.. ....
LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed ............
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
'The Battle is God's !'
SUSTAINING
BREAD -- WELL MAYBE
If
only it were so simple,
To
cruise through life smelling roses;
But
the obstacles blacken the countryside
And
we unwittingly crush them beneath our boots.
Dreams
sustain us as we teeter on the brink of madness
Goals
give a finish line to our race
Yet
they change with every turn, around every wall
And
remain elusive throughout the quest
Mistakes
are made, and regrets are our baggage.
We
will drag them with us to slow us down
The
victories are flashes of light, sudden and un-lasting,
A
glimpse of the road ahead before darkness descends.
Over
and over it fills us up only to stave us
The
people whom we love shape our destinies
and
our strengths
Yet
leaves us cold and alone in the darkness
I
guess alone is not such a bad way to be;
It
clears your head and focuses you on the journey
The
journey that takes you from this life to the next --
I am
prepared to walk alone in darkness…
I just want it all to endFor those you love, always will love, for those you must let go and forgive, join me in The Lords Prayer
Our Father, who are in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom
Come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this
day, our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive
those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but
deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever.
Amen.
God bless.
Time for me to let go
And Let God.
And say good bye...
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Seventeen Years Ago...
It is the time of need... and bitter blue...
My wonderful husband died when I was 42 years old (He was one month shy of turning 45). Being widowed this young happens to less than 3% of married people. Sixteen years is a long time and yet there are days when the loss of him rips through me just as sharply as it did that morning.
My wonderful husband died when I was 42 years old (He was one month shy of turning 45). Being widowed this young happens to less than 3% of married people. Sixteen years is a long time and yet there are days when the loss of him rips through me just as sharply as it did that morning.
Dearest Doug,
On September 2, 1998, God took you from me; such a long time ago. It feels different today than it did 16 years ago. I'm not sure how I feel about the distance that has grown between us -- the distance of years, and time, and experience -- my years of living while you have been dead. I only know the feeling of this dark empty void in my soul -- that no one else can fill.
I used to spend so much time wishing you were still living on this earth, still my husband, still a father for our three children, still here to share a certain life we had made together. I wished that what had happened to you and to us had not happened. I was really very afraid. More than I think you understood at the time, but now probably realize as you look down on all of us here.
I am still afraid sometimes, as I am sure you know, but not nearly as much. I also know that I can't live in a wishful state, wishing for something that will never be. I've worked from the very beginning on acceptance. Acceptance has been my mantra so that I could go on living without you. It has not been easy and at times I still spiral down into the depression of your loss and missing you so greatly.
You feel so far away from me. I've had to make too many decisions without you. I've had to go it alone even though you were once my most trusted, most loved partner and friend. I've had to go it alone.
Sometimes I feel sorry for people who are lost and asleep, who don't realize that they need to live without imagining that there is a better, different, more interesting place to be than right here and right now.
Sometimes I am afraid that I can't keep you alive enough Doug. Whatever I can do, it's not enough. You deserve so much more but you got exactly what you didn't deserve. You got to die.
I'm lying. I do wish you were still here. But there is nowhere to go with that wish. Nowhere to go. It's like wishing for my own immortality and believe me I do NOT want immortality. I look forward to the day when I finally get to be with you again. I look forward to walking down Brickyard Road with you... hand in hand.
I'm sorry that you aren't with me or your children or your grandchildren anymore. I'm sorry that your story had to be a such a tragic one. I'm glad we chose one another from the moment we met. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for giving me your dreams and your pain and for making three amazing children with me.
We didn't finish our story with a satisfactory ending; far from it! I hated the ending of our story and some of the middle; but the beginning was wonderful.
I will be with you again, one day soon, my beloved. Until then, I keep trying to do the very best I know how and to fight to stay alive for you. When I walk the mountains, the desert, or by a running river or stream, you walk with me.
I used to spend so much time wishing you were still living on this earth, still my husband, still a father for our three children, still here to share a certain life we had made together. I wished that what had happened to you and to us had not happened. I was really very afraid. More than I think you understood at the time, but now probably realize as you look down on all of us here.
I am still afraid sometimes, as I am sure you know, but not nearly as much. I also know that I can't live in a wishful state, wishing for something that will never be. I've worked from the very beginning on acceptance. Acceptance has been my mantra so that I could go on living without you. It has not been easy and at times I still spiral down into the depression of your loss and missing you so greatly.
You feel so far away from me. I've had to make too many decisions without you. I've had to go it alone even though you were once my most trusted, most loved partner and friend. I've had to go it alone.
Sometimes I feel sorry for people who are lost and asleep, who don't realize that they need to live without imagining that there is a better, different, more interesting place to be than right here and right now.
Sometimes I am afraid that I can't keep you alive enough Doug. Whatever I can do, it's not enough. You deserve so much more but you got exactly what you didn't deserve. You got to die.
I'm lying. I do wish you were still here. But there is nowhere to go with that wish. Nowhere to go. It's like wishing for my own immortality and believe me I do NOT want immortality. I look forward to the day when I finally get to be with you again. I look forward to walking down Brickyard Road with you... hand in hand.
I'm sorry that you aren't with me or your children or your grandchildren anymore. I'm sorry that your story had to be a such a tragic one. I'm glad we chose one another from the moment we met. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for giving me your dreams and your pain and for making three amazing children with me.
We didn't finish our story with a satisfactory ending; far from it! I hated the ending of our story and some of the middle; but the beginning was wonderful.
I will be with you again, one day soon, my beloved. Until then, I keep trying to do the very best I know how and to fight to stay alive for you. When I walk the mountains, the desert, or by a running river or stream, you walk with me.
You will always walk with me. Wait for me, on Brick yard Road.
For those who wear your shadow's face
we ran along the ocean’s edge
to leave behind those latent tales
of Christmases that tried and failed
to catch a glimpse of those remaining shots,
such pain and thievery
we tried, I know we did
and for a bleak pause at sudden recovery,
the moment stopped
we were done
in one broad flash,
worthy of cinematography
full scale
grandiose,
complete with trumpets and a splash of glee
not to last
not meant to be,
and now I travel light
memories weigh not so much,
though I venture near
the time of need and bitter blue
IT DOES NOT SEEM THAT LONG AGO
YOU AND ME WALKING DOWN THAT ROAD
WE SAW THAT GRAY 55 CHEVY SITTING IN THEIR FRONT YARD
AND VALLERY AND JAMES THEY CAME ALONG
THOSE WERE OUR BEST DAYS
BUT THEY ARE GONE
AND IT HAS BEEN
16 YEARS SINCE YOU WENT DOWN
GOD I LOST MY BEST FRIEND NOW
BUT I CAN STILL SEE YOU SITTING ON
THAT OLD DOCK
NOW I KNOW I CANT BRING BACK
OUR YESTERDAYS
BUT LORD CAN'T YOU HELP ME FIND MY WAY
BACK TO BRICKYARD ROAD
I WILL WALK ON DOWN
BACK ON BRICKYARD ROAD
DOUG YOU ARE WITH ME NOW
I SWEAR I SAW OLD FREE BIRD FLY
NOW YOU RIDE THE WINDS OF A
SOUTHWESTERN SKY
AND WHEN I HEAR A TRAIN WHISTLE BLOW
WELL IT CARRIES ME BACK
I WALK ON BRICKYARD ROAD
NOW LOVER DO YOU
REALIZE JUST WHAT YOU DONE?
YOU JUST THE HEARTS BOY
OF EVERYONE
AND THOUGH YOU DIED TO YOUNG
WELL YOUR SOUL IT LIVES ON
AND I KNOW I CAN'T BRING BACK
OUR YESTERDAY
BUT WE WILL BE BACK TOGETHER
AND ON THAT DAY
WE WILL WALK ON BRICK YARD ROAD
OH WALK ON DOWN
WE WILL WALK ON BRICKYARD ROAD
YOU ARE WITH ME NOW
I SWEAR I SAW OLD FREE BIRD FLY
NOW YOU RIDE THE WINDS OF A
SOUTHWESTERN SKY
AND WHEN I HEAR A TRAIN WHISTLE BLOW
WELL IT CARRIES ME BACK
I AM ON BRICKYARD ROAD
NOW DOUGLAS AND JAMES
THEY WILL MAKE IT ALL RIGHT
MARY SHE IS NOT WITH ME ANY MORE AT NIGHT
JESSIE'S ALL GROWN UP
SHE IS SUCH A PRETTY GIRL
BUT NOTHINGS BEEN THE SAME
SINCE YOU LEFT MY WORLD
AND I WANT TO GO BACK
TO BRICKYARD ROAD
DEAR GOD, PLEASE
LET ME GO HOME
TAKE ME TO BRICKYARD ROAD....
(my final post)
we ran along the ocean’s edge
to leave behind those latent tales
of Christmases that tried and failed
to catch a glimpse of those remaining shots,
such pain and thievery
we tried, I know we did
and for a bleak pause at sudden recovery,
the moment stopped
we were done
in one broad flash,
worthy of cinematography
full scale
grandiose,
complete with trumpets and a splash of glee
not to last
not meant to be,
and now I travel light
memories weigh not so much,
though I venture near
the time of need and bitter blue
IT DOES NOT SEEM THAT LONG AGO
YOU AND ME WALKING DOWN THAT ROAD
WE SAW THAT GRAY 55 CHEVY SITTING IN THEIR FRONT YARD
AND VALLERY AND JAMES THEY CAME ALONG
THOSE WERE OUR BEST DAYS
BUT THEY ARE GONE
AND IT HAS BEEN
16 YEARS SINCE YOU WENT DOWN
GOD I LOST MY BEST FRIEND NOW
BUT I CAN STILL SEE YOU SITTING ON
THAT OLD DOCK
NOW I KNOW I CANT BRING BACK
OUR YESTERDAYS
BUT LORD CAN'T YOU HELP ME FIND MY WAY
BACK TO BRICKYARD ROAD
I WILL WALK ON DOWN
BACK ON BRICKYARD ROAD
DOUG YOU ARE WITH ME NOW
I SWEAR I SAW OLD FREE BIRD FLY
NOW YOU RIDE THE WINDS OF A
SOUTHWESTERN SKY
AND WHEN I HEAR A TRAIN WHISTLE BLOW
WELL IT CARRIES ME BACK
I WALK ON BRICKYARD ROAD
NOW LOVER DO YOU
REALIZE JUST WHAT YOU DONE?
YOU JUST THE HEARTS BOY
OF EVERYONE
AND THOUGH YOU DIED TO YOUNG
WELL YOUR SOUL IT LIVES ON
AND I KNOW I CAN'T BRING BACK
OUR YESTERDAY
BUT WE WILL BE BACK TOGETHER
AND ON THAT DAY
WE WILL WALK ON BRICK YARD ROAD
OH WALK ON DOWN
WE WILL WALK ON BRICKYARD ROAD
YOU ARE WITH ME NOW
I SWEAR I SAW OLD FREE BIRD FLY
NOW YOU RIDE THE WINDS OF A
SOUTHWESTERN SKY
AND WHEN I HEAR A TRAIN WHISTLE BLOW
WELL IT CARRIES ME BACK
I AM ON BRICKYARD ROAD
NOW DOUGLAS AND JAMES
THEY WILL MAKE IT ALL RIGHT
MARY SHE IS NOT WITH ME ANY MORE AT NIGHT
JESSIE'S ALL GROWN UP
SHE IS SUCH A PRETTY GIRL
BUT NOTHINGS BEEN THE SAME
SINCE YOU LEFT MY WORLD
AND I WANT TO GO BACK
TO BRICKYARD ROAD
DEAR GOD, PLEASE
LET ME GO HOME
TAKE ME TO BRICKYARD ROAD....
(my final post)
Monday, September 1, 2014
This Time God Gave Me A Mountain I Refuse to Climb.... Going Blind.
"Use your eyes as if tomorrow you would be stricken blind. And the same method can be applied to the other senses. Hear the music of voices, the song of a bird, the mighty strains of an orchestra, as if you would be stricken deaf tomorrow. Touch each object as if tomorrow your tactile sense would fail. Smell the perfume of flowers, taste with relish each morsel, as if tomorrow you could never smell and taste again. make the most of every sense; glory in the beauty which the world in all the facets of pleasure reveals to you through the several means of contact which Nature provides. But of all the senses, I am sure that sight is the most delightful.”
When I was 12 years old, after several years of complaining to my parents that my vision was blurring, I (we) learned that I had suddenly lost the vision in my left eye. The discovery occurred while I was in a high school study hall and the panic I felt still overwhelms me to this day if I allow it.
My parents immediately took me back to the same eye doctor I had been seeing for years... suddenly they thought it was a congenital birth defect, or toxoplasmosis. They put me on heavy duty steroids which was no fun for a 12 year old girl... scar tissue shrunk. We thought it was okay.
At 14 the world started to close in as my right eye now began experiencing tunnel vision. Mom and Dad fought their way into the Boston Retina Foundation. It was there they performed a test that proved I had a rare blood disease for my area of the country... Histoplasmosis (the bird handlers disease). I had been taking care of pigeons for years; unknown to any one. The disease affects the brain, the heart, the eyes, or the lungs... in my case it was my eyes.
I am now 58 and have managed being a one eyed bandit for all these years and only recently (about 8 years ago) had to start wearing glasses. Then three months ago things began to radically change.
Aside from the fact that I continue to battle third stage breast cancer which rears its ugly head in cancer cell being found roaming throughout my body, had thyroid cancer in 2011 (remaining thyroid and parathyroid removed) I also have been battling melanoma 2 in my face . Three months ago I developed what I thought was a sty. I had never had one before but had seen them on my mother when I was young and simply applied hot compresses. There was no discomfort but the sty has NEVER healed. My eyes (eye) blurs constantly, burns and I feel as if I have sand in both eyes almost all of the time. Friday I reached out to my eye doctor.
Not only did she inform me that my prescription (which had just been changed last year) had significantly changed, she also informed me that I had a cataract over the good eye AND that the sty was NOT a sty and appeared to be cancerous... she wanted me to see a specialist. She said I was losing my remaining vision rapidly in a way glasses will not correct over the long hall. I have the referral sitting here on my desk... but for this entire labor day weekend, I have not been able to function. The panic I felt when I was 12 is overwhelming me 46 years later.
I have spent these past few mornings watching the sun rise, taken a ride out to the Superstition to just sit and stare at her and cry... I have spent long evenings on the patio watching the night sky... waiting for Orion to appear to let me know that Doug, my beloved Doug, was watching over me and wishing so much that he could hold me again, just for a few minutes.
I looked at photos of my children and my grandchildren... of the laughter on our faces... the beauty I was able to share with Jessica at the Petrified Forest... at Watapuki... in Tucson...
Of photos of my wedding day, my trips to the Grand Canyon, Sedona, Utah...
I can't imagine not being able to see the beauty God puts in front of me EVERY day... I can't imagine living in a world like that. I don't want to.
I don't want to lose the independence I have always fought so hard to maintain despite the health issues, the loss of Doug, the loss of family.... the economy. I don't want to.
Tom tells me that the results may not be as bad as they are predicting... but I am too afraid now to find out. I don't want to know. I did not want to see all of those damned doctors back in 2006 that opened the door to all the cancers, the mutilations, the pain... And, if they do a biopsy and screw it up on my eye, I could go blind even faster! It's not worth the risk to me. Where does all this cancer and loss stop?
I battled so many monsters in my life... I have climbed so many trash heaps and hills. It looks like this time God gave me a mountain... but it is a mountain I now refuse to climb.
I will not allow one more biopsy... I will not even allow a cataract to be removed (as I am too afraid a mistake would blind me immediately). It is definite, be it through cancer or the cataract, that blindness is in my future.. .and that is a future I do not want. Tom says "do you want to die? If it's cancer get it taken care of!" I know he loves me but " Fuck you Tom"! No more!
Memories can sustain me in many areas... but not in the beauty of God's world.... so its time I stopped fighting the cancer and surrender to His will. I don't have any courage left and this time He has asked too much from me.
I doubt I will be blogging much more.... I will continue to work as long as God allows and get the eye glass prescription filled ( a whopping 488.00 just for the damned lenses and then they want me to have prescription sun glasses as well) at the end of the month. I will make arrangements for my beloved dogs, Ranger and Ruger, for when the times comes that I can no longer care for them... I have nothing to leave my loved ones... medical problems and helping others has taken everything...
And I will try to see as much of the daily beauty God puts forward for whatever time He leaves me with now. It truly is a wonderful world to walk and see.
When I was 12 years old, after several years of complaining to my parents that my vision was blurring, I (we) learned that I had suddenly lost the vision in my left eye. The discovery occurred while I was in a high school study hall and the panic I felt still overwhelms me to this day if I allow it.
My parents immediately took me back to the same eye doctor I had been seeing for years... suddenly they thought it was a congenital birth defect, or toxoplasmosis. They put me on heavy duty steroids which was no fun for a 12 year old girl... scar tissue shrunk. We thought it was okay.
At 14 the world started to close in as my right eye now began experiencing tunnel vision. Mom and Dad fought their way into the Boston Retina Foundation. It was there they performed a test that proved I had a rare blood disease for my area of the country... Histoplasmosis (the bird handlers disease). I had been taking care of pigeons for years; unknown to any one. The disease affects the brain, the heart, the eyes, or the lungs... in my case it was my eyes.
I am now 58 and have managed being a one eyed bandit for all these years and only recently (about 8 years ago) had to start wearing glasses. Then three months ago things began to radically change.
Aside from the fact that I continue to battle third stage breast cancer which rears its ugly head in cancer cell being found roaming throughout my body, had thyroid cancer in 2011 (remaining thyroid and parathyroid removed) I also have been battling melanoma 2 in my face . Three months ago I developed what I thought was a sty. I had never had one before but had seen them on my mother when I was young and simply applied hot compresses. There was no discomfort but the sty has NEVER healed. My eyes (eye) blurs constantly, burns and I feel as if I have sand in both eyes almost all of the time. Friday I reached out to my eye doctor.
Not only did she inform me that my prescription (which had just been changed last year) had significantly changed, she also informed me that I had a cataract over the good eye AND that the sty was NOT a sty and appeared to be cancerous... she wanted me to see a specialist. She said I was losing my remaining vision rapidly in a way glasses will not correct over the long hall. I have the referral sitting here on my desk... but for this entire labor day weekend, I have not been able to function. The panic I felt when I was 12 is overwhelming me 46 years later.
I have spent these past few mornings watching the sun rise, taken a ride out to the Superstition to just sit and stare at her and cry... I have spent long evenings on the patio watching the night sky... waiting for Orion to appear to let me know that Doug, my beloved Doug, was watching over me and wishing so much that he could hold me again, just for a few minutes.
I looked at photos of my children and my grandchildren... of the laughter on our faces... the beauty I was able to share with Jessica at the Petrified Forest... at Watapuki... in Tucson...
Of photos of my wedding day, my trips to the Grand Canyon, Sedona, Utah...
I can't imagine not being able to see the beauty God puts in front of me EVERY day... I can't imagine living in a world like that. I don't want to.
I don't want to lose the independence I have always fought so hard to maintain despite the health issues, the loss of Doug, the loss of family.... the economy. I don't want to.
Tom tells me that the results may not be as bad as they are predicting... but I am too afraid now to find out. I don't want to know. I did not want to see all of those damned doctors back in 2006 that opened the door to all the cancers, the mutilations, the pain... And, if they do a biopsy and screw it up on my eye, I could go blind even faster! It's not worth the risk to me. Where does all this cancer and loss stop?
I battled so many monsters in my life... I have climbed so many trash heaps and hills. It looks like this time God gave me a mountain... but it is a mountain I now refuse to climb.
I will not allow one more biopsy... I will not even allow a cataract to be removed (as I am too afraid a mistake would blind me immediately). It is definite, be it through cancer or the cataract, that blindness is in my future.. .and that is a future I do not want. Tom says "do you want to die? If it's cancer get it taken care of!" I know he loves me but " Fuck you Tom"! No more!
Memories can sustain me in many areas... but not in the beauty of God's world.... so its time I stopped fighting the cancer and surrender to His will. I don't have any courage left and this time He has asked too much from me.
I doubt I will be blogging much more.... I will continue to work as long as God allows and get the eye glass prescription filled ( a whopping 488.00 just for the damned lenses and then they want me to have prescription sun glasses as well) at the end of the month. I will make arrangements for my beloved dogs, Ranger and Ruger, for when the times comes that I can no longer care for them... I have nothing to leave my loved ones... medical problems and helping others has taken everything...
And I will try to see as much of the daily beauty God puts forward for whatever time He leaves me with now. It truly is a wonderful world to walk and see.
After Labor Day Weekend... Another Speciaist.
I saw the doctor at Grand Canyon Dermatology this past Thursday... this is the clinic that has been treating my Melanoma since the first surgery back in 2007. I generally work with the PA Mitch Bogel but once Mitch saw what the major problem was he called in Dr. Howard Donsky. Dr Donsky also teaches at the Scottsdale Mayo Clinic. he told me that the tumor should be removed. However he also said that due to the fact that the melanoma occurred on the same side of my face (right) that the chances of this being cancerous are high.
However, he also told me that even if it is not cancerous, the removal of the growth will cause some kind of scarring which will decrease my vision and result in a consistent paint/discomfort for the rest of my life. My regular eye doctor said my vision was changed significantly since only 10 months ago.
While there, they found several precancerous cells over my body which were frozen off (removed). A mole at the corner of my left eye was removed... you guess it... cancer. Another one was removed from my back... it came back Friday positive as well.
Tri Care currently is refusing to pay for any treatment of my eyes; my recent eye exam which requires special testing due to the Histoplasmosis and cancers, cost over 200.00 last Thursday. I will try to file myself with them but given the state of our current economy and treatment of our vets, I am not hopeful. My Dermatologist, due to Tri-Cares rules, can't even give me the required referral to see the eye surgeon so I have to make an appointment with my General Practitioner ( who charges me 60 dollars co pay per visit) to see if she will give me the referral and then have to find someone who accepts tri care to see if Tri Care will pay for them to even look at me. I think if the referral is accepted the Mayo Clinic who treats me for the other cancer related problems will more than likely take me for this as well. The government is definitely proving successful in making health care difficult for people with life threatening illnesses. Still I am getting better treatment than our veterans; at least currently.
I have to come up with an extra 488.00 at months end to pay for the prescription change in my glasses. I am also supposed to get prescription sun glasses (to reduce the glare from the cataract that is also in the right eye). Not sure how I will do it but I will. Just means I won't be able to move as I had hoped. My kids should be very happy about that... mom gets to stay in the ghetto where she belongs.
I still can't imagine not seeing this beautiful world God has given us... to not see the gorgeous AZ sunrise or the magnificent sunsets, the star filled sky, the majesty of the ever changing Superstition... I have much I want to see over the course of the next year (hopefully two)... before I won't be able to see it any more... or at least not with any clarity but through fog and pain. Things get VERY blurry now but there is still time.
Tom will be returning in Winter ... he said we need to find someone to take care of the dogs so we can take a trip. That may be easier said than done as I will not board them with strangers. I know he wants to take me to see Chaco Canyon... I long to see it just once; one of the oldest Indian Ruins and one of the many throughout the world that align with Orions belt). I also want to see Yosemite, go up to Sedona where I scattered Doug's ashes and walk there with him. I want to see the Ocean once more. And the Grand Canyon, Petrified Forest and Wakaputi.... just once more. I know Scotland will be out of the question but maybe I can manage the rest? Maybe.
And finish my book. :) Its about 1/3 the way through.
I am so very tired but know I am in God's hands now. Time slips through my fingers quickly; but I will use what time he has given me to the VERY best of my ability.
However, he also told me that even if it is not cancerous, the removal of the growth will cause some kind of scarring which will decrease my vision and result in a consistent paint/discomfort for the rest of my life. My regular eye doctor said my vision was changed significantly since only 10 months ago.
While there, they found several precancerous cells over my body which were frozen off (removed). A mole at the corner of my left eye was removed... you guess it... cancer. Another one was removed from my back... it came back Friday positive as well.
Tri Care currently is refusing to pay for any treatment of my eyes; my recent eye exam which requires special testing due to the Histoplasmosis and cancers, cost over 200.00 last Thursday. I will try to file myself with them but given the state of our current economy and treatment of our vets, I am not hopeful. My Dermatologist, due to Tri-Cares rules, can't even give me the required referral to see the eye surgeon so I have to make an appointment with my General Practitioner ( who charges me 60 dollars co pay per visit) to see if she will give me the referral and then have to find someone who accepts tri care to see if Tri Care will pay for them to even look at me. I think if the referral is accepted the Mayo Clinic who treats me for the other cancer related problems will more than likely take me for this as well. The government is definitely proving successful in making health care difficult for people with life threatening illnesses. Still I am getting better treatment than our veterans; at least currently.
I have to come up with an extra 488.00 at months end to pay for the prescription change in my glasses. I am also supposed to get prescription sun glasses (to reduce the glare from the cataract that is also in the right eye). Not sure how I will do it but I will. Just means I won't be able to move as I had hoped. My kids should be very happy about that... mom gets to stay in the ghetto where she belongs.
I still can't imagine not seeing this beautiful world God has given us... to not see the gorgeous AZ sunrise or the magnificent sunsets, the star filled sky, the majesty of the ever changing Superstition... I have much I want to see over the course of the next year (hopefully two)... before I won't be able to see it any more... or at least not with any clarity but through fog and pain. Things get VERY blurry now but there is still time.
Tom will be returning in Winter ... he said we need to find someone to take care of the dogs so we can take a trip. That may be easier said than done as I will not board them with strangers. I know he wants to take me to see Chaco Canyon... I long to see it just once; one of the oldest Indian Ruins and one of the many throughout the world that align with Orions belt). I also want to see Yosemite, go up to Sedona where I scattered Doug's ashes and walk there with him. I want to see the Ocean once more. And the Grand Canyon, Petrified Forest and Wakaputi.... just once more. I know Scotland will be out of the question but maybe I can manage the rest? Maybe.
And finish my book. :) Its about 1/3 the way through.
I am so very tired but know I am in God's hands now. Time slips through my fingers quickly; but I will use what time he has given me to the VERY best of my ability.
Keep me in your prayers... know you are always in my thoughts and heart.
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