This Time God Gave Me A Mountain I Refuse to Climb.... Going Blind.

"Use your eyes as if tomorrow you would be stricken blind. And the same method can be applied to the other senses. Hear the music of voices, the song of a bird, the mighty strains of an orchestra, as if you would be stricken deaf tomorrow. Touch each object as if tomorrow your tactile sense would fail. Smell the perfume of flowers, taste with relish each morsel, as if tomorrow you could never smell and taste again. make the most of every sense; glory in the beauty which the world in all the facets of pleasure reveals to you through the several means of contact which Nature provides. But of all the senses, I am sure that sight is the most delightful.”  


When I was 12 years old, after several years of complaining to my parents that my vision was blurring, I (we) learned that I had suddenly lost the vision in my left eye.  The discovery occurred while I was in a high school study hall and the panic I felt still overwhelms me to this day if I allow it.

My parents immediately took me back to the same eye doctor I had been seeing for years... suddenly they thought it was a congenital birth defect, or toxoplasmosis.  They put me on heavy duty steroids which was no fun for a 12 year old girl... scar tissue shrunk. We thought it was okay.

At 14 the world started to close in as my right eye now began experiencing tunnel vision.  Mom and Dad fought their way into the Boston Retina Foundation.  It was there they performed a test that proved I had a rare blood disease for my area of the country... Histoplasmosis (the bird handlers disease).  I had been taking care of pigeons for years; unknown to any one. The disease affects the brain, the heart, the eyes, or the lungs... in my case it was my eyes.

I am now 58 and have managed being a one eyed bandit for all these years and only recently (about 8 years ago) had to start wearing glasses.   Then three months ago things began to radically change.

Aside from the fact that I continue to battle third stage breast cancer which rears its ugly head in cancer cell being found roaming throughout my body, had thyroid cancer in 2011 (remaining thyroid and parathyroid removed) I also have been battling melanoma 2 in my face .  Three months ago I developed what I thought was a sty.  I had never had one before but had seen them on my mother when I was young and simply applied hot compresses.  There was no discomfort but the sty has NEVER healed.  My eyes  (eye) blurs constantly, burns and I feel as if I have sand in both eyes almost all of the time.  Friday I reached out to my eye doctor.

Not only did she inform me that my prescription (which had just been changed last year) had significantly changed, she also informed me that I had a cataract over the good eye AND that the sty was NOT a sty and appeared to be cancerous... she wanted me to see a specialist. She said I was losing my remaining vision rapidly in a way glasses will not correct over the long hall.  I have the referral sitting here on my desk...  but for this entire labor day weekend, I have not been able to function. The panic I felt when I was 12 is overwhelming me 46 years later.

I have spent these past few mornings watching the sun rise, taken a ride out to the Superstition to just sit and stare at her and cry...  I have spent long evenings on the patio watching the night sky... waiting for Orion to appear to let me know that Doug, my beloved Doug, was watching over me and wishing so much that he could hold me again, just for a few minutes.

I looked at photos of my children and my grandchildren... of the laughter on our faces... the beauty I was able to share with Jessica at the Petrified Forest... at Watapuki...  in Tucson...   

Of photos of my wedding day, my trips to the Grand Canyon, Sedona, Utah... 

I can't imagine not being able to see the beauty God puts in front of me EVERY day...  I can't imagine living in a world like that.  I don't want to.

I don't want to lose the independence I have always fought so hard to maintain despite the health issues, the loss of Doug, the loss of family....  the economy.   I don't want to.

Tom tells me that the results may not be as bad as they are predicting... but I am too afraid now to find out.  I don't want to know. I did not want to see all of those damned doctors back in 2006 that opened the door to all the cancers, the mutilations, the pain...  And, if they do a biopsy and screw it up on my eye, I could go blind even faster!  It's not worth the risk to me.  Where does all this cancer and loss stop?

I battled so many monsters in my life... I have climbed so many trash heaps and hills.  It looks like this time God gave me a mountain... but it is a mountain I now refuse to climb.

I will not allow one more biopsy... I will not even  allow a cataract to be removed (as I am too afraid a mistake would blind me immediately).   It is definite, be it through cancer or the cataract, that blindness is in my future.. .and that is a future I do not want. Tom says "do you want to die?  If it's cancer get it taken care of!"    I know he loves me but " Fuck you Tom"!  No more!

Memories can sustain me in many areas... but not in the beauty of God's world....  so its time I stopped fighting the cancer and surrender to His will.  I don't have any courage left and this time He has asked too much from me.

I doubt I will be blogging much more....  I will continue to work as long as God allows and get the eye glass prescription filled ( a whopping 488.00 just for the damned lenses and then they want me to have prescription sun glasses as well) at the end of the month.  I will make arrangements for my beloved dogs, Ranger and Ruger, for when the times comes that I can no longer care for them...  I have nothing to leave my loved ones... medical problems and helping others has taken everything... 

And I will try to see as much of the daily beauty God puts forward for whatever time He leaves me with now.  It truly is a wonderful world to walk and see.

After Labor Day Weekend... Another Speciaist.

 

I saw the doctor at Grand Canyon Dermatology this past Thursday... this is the clinic that has been treating my Melanoma since the first surgery back in 2007.  I generally work with the PA  Mitch Bogel but once Mitch saw what the major problem was he called in Dr. Howard Donsky.  Dr Donsky also teaches at the Scottsdale Mayo Clinic. he told me that the tumor should be removed. However he also said that due to the fact that the melanoma occurred on the same side of my face (right) that the chances of this being cancerous are high.

However, he also told me that even if it is not cancerous, the removal of the growth will cause some kind of scarring which will decrease my vision and result in a consistent paint/discomfort for the rest of my life. My regular eye doctor said my vision was changed significantly since only 10 months ago.

While there, they found several precancerous cells over my body which were frozen off (removed).  A mole at the corner of my left eye was removed... you guess it... cancer.  Another one was removed from my back...  it came back Friday positive as well.

Tri Care currently is refusing to pay for any treatment of my eyes; my recent eye exam which requires special testing due to the Histoplasmosis and cancers, cost over 200.00 last Thursday. I will try to file myself with them but given the state of our current economy and treatment of our vets, I am not hopeful.  My Dermatologist, due to Tri-Cares rules, can't even give me the required referral to see the eye surgeon so I have to make an appointment with my General Practitioner ( who charges me 60 dollars co pay per visit) to see if she will give me the referral and then have to find someone who accepts tri care to see if Tri Care will pay for them to even look at me. I think if the referral is accepted the Mayo Clinic who treats me for the other cancer related problems will more than likely take me for this as well. The government is definitely proving successful in making health care difficult for people with life threatening illnesses. Still I am getting better treatment than our veterans; at least currently.

I have to come up with an extra 488.00 at months end to pay for the prescription change in my glasses.  I am also supposed to get prescription sun glasses (to reduce the glare from the cataract that is also in the right eye).  Not sure how I will do it but I will.  Just means I won't be able to move as I had hoped.  My kids should be very happy about that... mom gets to stay in the ghetto where she belongs.

I still can't imagine not seeing this beautiful world God has given us... to not see the gorgeous AZ sunrise or the magnificent sunsets, the star filled sky, the majesty of the ever changing Superstition... I have much I want to see over the course of the next year (hopefully two)... before I won't be able to see it any more... or at least not with any clarity but through fog and pain. Things get VERY blurry now but there is still time.

Tom will be returning in Winter ...  he said we need to find someone to take care of the dogs so we can take a trip. That may be easier said than done as I will not board them with strangers.  I know he wants to take me to see Chaco Canyon... I long to see it just once; one of the oldest Indian Ruins and one of the many throughout the world that align with Orions belt).  I also want to see Yosemite, go up to Sedona where I scattered Doug's ashes and walk there with him.  I want to see the Ocean once more.  And the Grand Canyon, Petrified Forest and Wakaputi.... just once more.  I know Scotland will be out of the question but maybe I can manage the rest?  Maybe.

And finish my book. :)  Its about 1/3 the way through.

I am so very tired but know I am in God's hands now. Time slips through my fingers quickly; but I will use what time he has given me to the VERY best of my ability. 

 

Keep me in your prayers... know you are always  in my thoughts and heart.