The never ending saga of "its always something"

Roseanne Roseannadanna (played by the imcomprable Gilda Radner on Saturday Night Live oh so long ago) always said "its always something" and of course she was right.

Sometimes its a simple problem, a damned nuisance, or its soul shattering and life altering. But, it is always something and that is called Real Life.

Shortly after Gilda left Saturday Night live, her goal was to create a life for herself and her new husband Gene Wilder. For well over a decade she had been a workaholic and she felt she had watched life spin by. After falling in love with Gene, she realized the pleasures of slowing down and smelling the roses. By the time they married in 1984, she had decided to pursue her goal of becoming a writer and bid adieu to her acting/comedic life. Just as she began to write her first book which was entitled Portrait of The Artist as a Housewife (a collection of poems, stories and prosody celebrating domesticity and the humor inherent to micro wave ovens and backed up commodes), life grabbed her attention... harshly. She was dianoged with ovarian cancer and in the process, a much grittier book emerged... It's "Always Something", a defiantly irreverent moving memoir (which I have read many times these past 4 years).

Just like other women who struggle with the life threatening illness, Gilda mourned "my lost joy, my happiness, my exhileration with life." The day before her diagnosis, life stretched before her offering limitless possibilities. The moment after being told she had cancer, life's dimensions shrank to twenty four hour stretches... a fact every cancer patient comes to understand.

The truth is we go around thinking that real life is about adding a rec room to the basement, buying our first house, getting that new position, having that big HD TV but the truth is that is NOT about real life. Cancer, now that is real life. When you accept cancer, it is as if new systems within the organism automatically open -- like the oxygen masks that automatically drop into your lap on a 747 in an emergency. When you walk the earth with borrowed time, no matter how long that winds up being, each day on the calendar is a beloved friend you know for only a short time. The Present truly becomes a gift.

Can someone please tell me why we must find a lump in our breast or find out a PSA test is high before this occurs? Do any of my readers know because I sure as hell don't!

However, the one thing cancer has done for me (and to others I know and have known) is to allow me the right to start saying "no!" and to create boundaries and finally put down committment burdens without guilt (despite others who may try to make you feel guilty). Now I can ransom back my life.

Yes, it is always something but it doesn't ALWAYS have to have your name on it. That is why my prayer for my children, my grandchildren, my friends is that you never find a lump or get a high PSA and that, not matter what, you NEVER squander or surrender another precious day for ANY reason.

And if you, like me or my Tom, have already found your lump or your high PSA, I pray you will grow whole and old in joy, peace, and grace, gifting us and the world for many years with your wisdom, laughter, and love.

God knows we need it.

Blessed be.

Letting go.... and I am sorry

Amy Tan once wrote: "I did not lose myself all at once. I rubbed out my features over the years; washing away my pain the same way carvings on stone are worn away by water." Sound familiar to anyone? It resonnates deep within me today.. and echoes hauntingly every day.

I have been away from this blog for almost a month partly do to adversarial bullying but largely due to health reasons... my own and Tom's. Neither of us is fairing well, he, sadly, has been having a more difficult time than usual and we both know our time is short. We shall continue to support one another through these health battles and when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on then....

Life has always been my adversary and like you dear reader, I hope I have proven a worthy opponent. Life batters us whether we are rich or poor, public or private. The wound we suffer may be an open cut or a slow, silent hemmorrhage of the spirit. On the outside I know I may look as if I have my act together, but right now, as has often occured in my life (and no doubt yours), I am in a dark and stormy place where I feel very small, very fragile, and very frightened. I feel as if I might shatter into a thousand pieces and break into a heart rending series of sobs at something as simples as a "how are you?" or the hug of a friend.

With the support of my doctors, my friends, my neighbors, and Tom, I am learning to be kinder to myself at moments like this; not to beat myself up as there are plenty of things and others to do that for me. I have learned to acknowledge the fact, that whether some like it or not, my feelings ARE valid, my fears are very real, and my needs are equal to the next persons.

I hope that each of you now reading this will recall during these difficult moments in life that your first duty is to love yourself into wholeness--into wellness. I know it is not that easy is it? So how then do we do this? By pampering yourself with simple pleasures and small indulgences. Could you bring home something wonderful for dinner? Maybe order carry out (or delivery) from your favorite Chinese restaraunt? How about treating yourself to your favorite potted plant (in my case cactus) or a bouquet of your favorite flowers (in my case daisies) If you can't take a day off from work just to indulge in a matinee, perhaps you could go by the video store, rent two or three classics and have a movie marathon with hot buttered popcorn. How about indulging in a trip to your favorite ice cream shop, or if you are like me, and hunger for the sun and the solitude of nature, a hike in the desert or a walk around your favorite park? Enjoy basking in the sunshine, listening to the birds chirp and watching other fauna play among the flora.

See you can. None of use has to do everything or be everything for everyone else ALL of the time. If you, like me, have reached the point where you can't possibly do one more thing without screaming or crying, your are probably right... so start right now by saying NO!. I am sorry. I have a prior commitment.

In truth, you do have a prior commitment. Today you need to be there for yourself. Remember we all need time alone once in a while... to revive, to reinvest, to nurture, calm and reclaim ourselves.

Then we will be ready to take on the hurdles, obstacles, pains, as well as the joys, laughter, and love of life.

As I have had to learn to let go as I reclaim my authentic life... the person I have always been but kept hidden because of others needs or judgements or anger... I have learned to care more for me... as I care and will continue to care for those I love; no matter what. And I have learned it is okay to be sorry...


I Am Sorry



It’s cold here in this valley

Now it always seems that way

And I never stop thinking about you

Each and every day



Thinking about our good times

The loss of which left me in such pain

Thinking about how bad it is

Doing anything without you again.



I am sorry for the way things are in our country

I am sorry things are not what they used to be

More than anything else

I am sorry for myself

Because you are not here with me.



Your friends ALL ask about you

I say I think you are doing fine.

And I expect you to walk through

The front door almost any time.



But they can see I have been crying

And I can’t sleep at night

They all know I am dying

Deep down inside



I am sorry for all the lies

They have told you

(But we both knew this

Was going to come)

I am sorry for the things I did not say

But more than anything else,

I am sorry for myself

I can’t believe she took you away.



I am sorry now for times taken for granted

I am sorry for the restraints and hate

they put on you

But more than anything else

Selfishly I am sorry for myself

For having to live without you.



You will always be my sunshine and my treasure.



I love you.

The Harmony of Life...

A Motzart concerto played by a new/young musician and by an established virtuoso will NOT sound the same. It would not be possible because the older more experienced musician has had a lifetime to practice the music as well as to learn when and where to pause in order to color the notes with passion. Ah, that is the true talent now isn't? Knowing when to pause to feel the passion and see the beauty.

This same truth follows each of us individually in the symphony of our lives. Individual notes must be learned and played and practiced, practiced, practiced before we can achieve harmony. And above all, we must learn that all important ability to pause...

In my life, I have come to understand that harmony is the inner beat of contentment I feel when the melody of life is in tune. When, somehow, I am able to strike just the right chord, hit the right notes to balance the expectations of family, friends and my responsibilities to the world on the one hand with my inner needs for spiritual growth, love, and personal expression with the other. This has probably been one of the most difficult challenges I have faced in my almost 55 years because it has required me to make choices every day. Oft times, in my day to day life, I find myself too tired to even decide what to make for dinner let make these major choices and yet... choices must be made. Perhaps that is why I, and probably you dear reader, only hear a cacophony of dissonant chords... the demands, chaos, and complaints that down out the symphonies of our souls.

In the past, when the distractions and chaos of life depleted my energy, the first thing I eliminated was the thing I needed most: quiet, reflective time. Time to dream, time to think, time to contemplate what's working and what is not, time to replenish the well so that I can make changes for the better... ones that will help me heal and allow me to be able to give more.

So I am learning, again, how to pause. I am learning to balance demands with pleasures, moments of solitude with the need for companionship, work with play (ah my greatest foible), activity with rest and the inner me with the outer packaging.

Today, I am deliberately slowing down. Not because cancer, fear, or exhaustion forces me to, but because spirit, love, and need call me to. I have approached this day, after a very stressful, chaotic night of harassment, anger, and hate, as if it were an adagio -- a melody played in an easy, graceful manner. Listen! Can you hear it? The music that soothes and uplifts your spirit?

Now, while you listen to this symphony with me, pause to consider how each indiidual note comes together in complete harmony with proper pauses to give expression to the entire piece.

So it shall be with my world and yours. With harmony as my guide, I am certain that my every day moments will begin to sing out in a rhapsody of fulfillment, joy, love and an end to chaos and want...

Vivaldi's Four Seasons is on my CD player... the smell of Apples and cinnamon emanates from candles... the house glows in peace... a glass of wine is waiting to be sipped and savored; care to join me?

Enjoy the music of your life... and dance.

There is No Scarcity

I have made a habit over the course of these last many years to spend my New Years Eve and day in quiet reflection. I have learned that there are years that ask questions and there are years that provide answers. 2010 provided me with answers, some I did not care for (most actually) but all opened my eyes to the realities of my life and what I have meant or not meant in the scheme of things. Through these revelations I had truly had an epiphany and am now adding the gratitude of an awakening heart to my nightly ritual of writing down five things I am grateful for.

I realized this morning that I was/am emotionally and physically exhausted from concentrating on things that I wanted to buy for others, for the house or just for me. Things I longed to buy or give, but due to the current economy and my own excessive medical bills, I cannot afford. I felt trapped in a vicious cycle. You see, the more I focused on the lack and on what I could not have (and this includes family as well as material things) the more depressed I became. The more depressed I became the more I focused on the loss and the lack. What my soul was whispering was that what I really yearned for was NOT financial or emotional security but financial and emotional serenity. Today, I was quiet enough to listen to my soul... to that Supreme being trying to show me the open door. What I hunger for is an inner peace that the world can not take away. Therefore, I asked for help and committed to following wheresoever the Universe leads me.

For the first time in my life I discarded my five-year goals I learned to make when I was working towards my Business Administration degree and simply surrender. I want to be a seeker, a pilgrim, and a sojourner.

Deciding to surrender my desire for security and seeking serenity instead, I looked at my life with open/honest eyes. I saw that I had much for which to be grateful. I felt humbled by my riches and regretted that I took for granted the abundance that already existed in my life. How could I or any one else for that matter, expect more from the Universe when I (we) did not appreciate what I already had.

So today, I took inventory of my life's assets: my health is not the best but I am still beating the odds and still here which leaves me open for choice and chance. I have a beautiful daughter and two sons who are making their way in the world, oft times through difficult times and even though we are currently estranged... I love them and am grateful that God allowed me to hold them for a little while. I have a small but comfortable place to live and a great landlord, wonderful neighbors and the laughter of children. I have the memories of 12 years with Jessica and of sharing so many wonderful times with her and I know she has those as well, I have two precious little dogs who daily bring me faithful companionship and joy. I have enough food (most of the time) and cool fresh water. I have a job which allows me to maintain my needs and that is truly all any one needs. And I have been blessed by the love of two wonderful men.. My Doug and Tom. Add to that the blessings of so many wonderful friends who care deeply for me and share in my life as I care about them and share in theirs.

I am still working on this list today and it continues to grow. I have written a new book of poetry which soon will be sent out into the world and hopefully will be well received. Many people have already told me that my writing touches their souls in some way and helps them feel or heal. I truly do believe that what you give to the world will be returned to you -- maybe not all at once or in the way you expect it -- but if I and you give our very very best, the very best must and will come back to us. Now!, not next week, next month, or when things improve, is the time for me to live my beliefs.

Looking at my life's ledger I realize that I am and always will be a very rich woman. What I and so many of us are currently experiencing is merely a cash flow problem, or a misunderstanding that love, patience, and time will heal.. I have come to the realization that my personal net worth cannot be determined by the size of my checking account balance... neither can anyone's

So now, my heart overflows with gratefulness. I am thankful for so many little, precious things. The sweet smell of the Harvest Apple candle burning on my living room table, the memory of the sweet fragrance of Jessicas hair after it was freshly washed and I combed it out for her. My first sip of flavored coffee this morning, the smoked turkey and all the trimmings dinner I made for friends on Christmas Day. I am grateful for being able to hear the words I love you before I went to sleep when my Jessie was here, my children were little, and as I curled up next to Doug as we went to sleep.

Each day offers me moments of pleasure and contentment... it does so for you as well. The important thing is for each of us to notice and appreciate each days gifts.. after all that is why it is called the present.

So today I ask each of you to open the eyes of your eyes and give your life another glance. Are your basic needs met? (mine are). Do you have a home? Food on the table? Clothes to wear? Is there a regular paycheck coming in? Do you have dreams? Can you walk, talk, see the beauty that surrounds you, listen to music that stirs your soul or makes your feet want to dance? Do you have family and friends whom you love and whom you know, deep down love you?

Then pause for a moment with me and with me give thanks. Let your heart awaken to the tranforming power of gratefulness. Be open to exchanigng your need for emotional and financial security for serenity.

Agnes De Mille once wrote "No turmpets sounds when important decisions are made in our life."

"Destiny is made known silently"

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a simple meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for our present and creates dreams for tomorrow.

Sweet dreams my friends.

Christmas Past

The tree is down. Ornaments and decorations have been put away. The photos of family Christmas' of years gone by, things my grandsons and granddaughters made for me have been tucked safely away in desperate attemtps to keep them safe for future years. I hold on to these memories fiercely now as so much from the past was lost.


The ornaments are always blessed reminders of Christmas's past... the blown out egg shell the Douglas made for me when he was a little boy, the photo Ornament of James when he was only 8 (he sold such items when he was a cub scout to help my pack earn money). Then there is the punched tin heart that Mary made out of a can top and the ornamets I made when each child was born. I have Jessicas ornaments... the ones I bought for her each Christmas and the ones we made the year I was unemployed after being laid of from Quest and did not have money to buy elaborate things. She did a beautiful job and I keep them safe for ever now. ). And I have two that I bought when James Christopher was born.. a silver teddy bear and an angel with a blue rose.

The Indian Nativity set ( I forget how many of those I actually made... each time giving it away to an admirer) now so old and yet still so loved. Jessica's nutcracker collection that we began for her when she was a mouse in the Nutcracker Ballet and which I will add to every year no matter what: she will have those and those beautiful porcelein dolls when I am no longer here.

I have one single satin ball from the very first Christmas Tree Doug and I ever put up.. We had so little money that year so we got a cheap little tree, one string of lights, a package of satin balls and tinsel (Doug loved his tinsel). We each had a little over five dollars left to buy presents with after that. I still have my present, the best one I ever received; Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass" which he got on sale from Waldens Book Store. I got him a Grand Funk Railroad record he had wanted (yes a record).


We managed to have our first Pike Family Christmas that year.,though most of the goodies were eaten by Doug and two of his friends before company ever arrived. And then he had to leave me to stand duty at Midnight. It was the loneliest Christmas Eve of my life. I think, however, poor and all, that truly was the best Christmas I ever had...



There have been many wonderful ones since and all have special memories... Douglas's first Christmas... James getting his very first scooter... the Star Wars ships and characters, GI Joe, Thunder Cats and more. Mary's first Christmas... laying in the arms of Santa, and the Strawbery short cake, Barbie, and She Ra toys that came in abundance for years.



Then there is the one Christmas when Mary had just turned one, where Doug and I had NO sleep as we struggled to put toys together in time before they woke up... we finish around 4 am and they were up before 5 !!! And when Mary was not quite four and Doug and I had once again been up late, hearing the boys getting their little sister out of bed so SHE could go and wake up Mom and Dad so everyone could see what Santa had Bought. The boys, so certain we could not turn the "baby" down... but we could not have turned them down either. I so loved Christmas mornings when they were small.

Years later, James managed to make his mother cry... I always put stockings up for every one (me too) but of course, as I was Santa..no one ever filled my stocking. One year I had taught James and Mary how to make ceramics... and to my surprise that Christmas morning my stocking was filled... with a handmade ceramic basset hound and a ceramic persian cat. Moving often sadly saw those precious items broken and lost to me.. but not the memory.

Then the saddest Christmas of all... the one after Doug died. I know I gave the children and friends all a good one and have the photos to show it but truly I do not remember it. Had it not been for the children and my need to keep things normal for them and for our new jewel... Jessie... I probably would have skipped it all together, donned sack cloth and ash and sat in the fireplace all night. But I pulled it off... Gingerbread house, stockings, HUGE tree.. and a wonderful Christmas Eve..
That night, before dinner, when I asked each attendee to tell me what they were thankful for, James again had me shed tears (which I had held back for all their sakes) by saying he was thankful for a strong mother. How I wish, today, he knew exactly how much strength I truly had, then sadly too.. I know eventually he will know and for that I am saddened greatly.

That Christmas morning, Mary came down the stairs holding her precious baby in her arms and for a few minutes... I felt her father.. The smile in her face that day can never be replaced and I spent a great deal of time this Christmas Eve after the guests had left looking over photos of that Christmas. Despite the turmoil of a custody battle that became drawn out and nasty... the death of her father... the loss of a love she found not to be real... my baby girl stood tall... and her little girl giggled and cooed and felt the love all around her.



One year later... another little one joined us and I still have the photo of JC dressed up in his own little Santa Suit lying in his fathers arms. That photo and memory made me write a poem for him which will be in the new book. He is a special little guy and I always tell him that.

This Christmas, they are estranged from me for reasons that many know and have learned the reality of. I have not seen them in over 5 months but I still held my traditional Christmas Eve where all who are in need of company, love, and Christmas spirit are welcome... and the happiness of the spirit filled me as I once again walked hand in hand with my god mother, my Uncle.. and my beloved Doug... I sent him roses that night when all had left.. over the fire I had built... and stood under Orion's belt wishing him a Merry Christmas after which I sang to him that song I sang to him Every Christmas Eve for 23 yeears... IS snow Falling?

I ached for my family and when it came my turn that night to say what I was thankful for, I gave thanks for each of them, expressed my sorrow at the rift between us and hoped they were celebrating together... even if without me. I was with them Christmas Eve as I am always in heart, mind, and soul. Sadly, a recent messaging between James and me made me realize how much was taken out of context in things they have read and that the lack of communication will never allow this to heal or be set to rights. It also made me realize the need to move forward with the legal plans necessary to ensure that they finally do see and know the truth. I can only bring the hose to water but I cannot make them drink. However, legal realities and documents in black and white sadly will. I did not ever want to do this.

I hope, someday they will remember that where I have brought others into my life.. whenever it comes down between their needs and mine or those of others... I have always put their needs first. So too have I done as to my health concerns (as I saw what the cancer etc was doing to them)... and would I do today if their need was such I had to release any hopes and dreams to keep them safe. I know they know that to be true.. as it has been done over and over again.


Now, as the ornamets are now put away this Christmas Eve, and I set the house to rights, I feel this old year ebbing away. It has not been a good one. Health issues, financial issues, family misunderstandings and alienation... and realities I will have to make known because of these misunderstandings which I have long kept hidden), have made it an uphill battle, but it has also been a year filled with love, laughter.. adventure and positive things like a job, a RE license, a decent home to live in, great trips and fun with my granddaughter Jessica, a great landlord, great friends and extended family and the love of another man.. different then the one with Doug... more mature and based more on intellectual then physical needs but which will never replace my Doug. And hope.



I am blessed and so look forward to the New Year and Christmas' yet to come.



God bless everyone. Happy New Year.

( Jessie bear... I am always here for you and mommy... and will leave anything and everyone if you ever really need me. I am here.)



.

Its A Wonderful Life

I have always been a woman who honors and celebrates tradition... and I will probably go to my grave being an old fashioned traditionalist. This is never more apparent then at Christmas time.


To me, holiday traditions are sacred and when Doug and I first married, I began bringing those traditions to life in our family... something he initially shyed away from as he did not much are for Christmas back then but which, in our later years, he came to love and got into the spirit with.. It is traditions that keep memories alive and lets them be rekindled with each holiday, birthday, anniversary... or something as simple as a walk in the park.

When the children were small, we would bundle up on the day after Thanksgiving, and head out to the country to cut down a Christmas Tree... Doug was highly allergic to pine (hard on a hunter and hiker) but always cut one down (chosen by the "special" child that year) and helped me get it into the house. I would have them string popcorn and make ornaments while we watched movies and sipped cocoa and I strung the lights (one light on every branch, carefully wired)

One of my favorite Christmas holiday traditions is the watching of holiday movies from A Charlie Brown Christmas with the playful snoopy and philosophical Linus, to Garfield's Christmas which always makes me think of my children growing up and turning the lights on our tree for the first time, to The Bishops Wife and my all time favorite Its a Wonderful Life ( one of my greatest memories is of my oldest son Douglas as a young adult yelling out ZuZus Petals... how I hold on to those memories).

In 1946 Frank Capra had no idea his sentimental small town "fantasy" would become a seasonal favorite of our age. In this movie, it is Christmas Eve, the night of miracles, and George Bailey certainly needs one. After a life time of helping others, he is giving up on his own life. He is broke, disgraced, facing prison, and in deep despair over a savings and loan shortage that truly is not his fault. After angrily wishing that he had never been born, he is about ready to throw himself off of a bridge into a raging ice cold river, when he is rescued by his guardian angel who temporarily grants him his wish by showing him what the world would have been like if he truly had never been born.

George, like to many of us, truly believes he has never had a lucky break but when he steps back, away from himself, and see things as they really are, he realizes that all of his choices, as painful as some may have been, were the right ones. He is also a wealthy man... oh not in material things but in the important things of family, healthy children, work, and more friends then his house can ever hold at one time. He realizes that, quite frankly, it is a wonderful life he is about to throw away.

So today, admid some major turmoil and health issues, I too am stepping back to take another look at my life and I invite you, dear reader, to do the same. We can step back and take a look at our lives and the lives of those we have touched. One of the unexpected blessings of writing my latest book of poetry has been in going back over what seems like ordinary moments in my life and mining them for meaning. Writing a poem about an encounter, mistake, regret or a conversation is very revealing -- probably even more so then keeping a journal. Every day while writing that book I have had a topic to meditate on, usually a title or a quote and always a fresh clean blank page. Generally, I find out what I am writing about only AFTER I am well into it or even revising the poem for the fourth of fifth time. And, in this process, what I have learned, as can you, is that I truly have enjoyed a wonderful life. That knowledge resonates within me today and for that I am deeply grateful. Obviously, there are many things I wish I had not done and crisis I have brought upon myself but now I see that experience is nothing more then a loving teacher, much like my friend and neighbor Karen or my Jessica's favorite teacher Angela.

So in this Christmas season, and for those yet to come, I hope you will seriously consider writing your own meditations and gratitudes of life. Start slowly. Write just one a week or even once a month. Search for the sacred in the ordinary for it is there... present in all things. Nothing in a life is too insignificant to be a source of inspiration.

We do not write in order to be understood... we write in order to understand.

If you start out writing your own thoughts, meditations, and gratitudes, what you will remember, recognize, and understand is that Its A Wonderful Life

Christmas IS about presents

One of my favorite booke is Louisa May Alcott's "Little Women". After my Mary became a teenager, I often felt that the main character, Jo, reminded me of her; strong, quick to anger, quick to forgive, caring, nurturing, feisty and highly intelligent. In this book Jo is quoted as saying "Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents"... She states this during what was a major civil war and when money let alone food was hard to come by. Even then, Christmas was about gifts and it always has been. As uncomforable as this may make us feel with all of the emphasis on gimme, gimme,gimme; buy, buy, buy, or charge, charge, charge, it is a sad fact of our world... even many of those who are not Christian have adopted Christmas in some form with this exact idea in mind; Christmas is about presents.

So, you, like me probably admonish our children to remember the reason for the season, even though we apparently have difficulty remembering it ourselves while we are caught up in the chaos, the materialism, the commercialism (to paraphrase Charlie Brown) of Christmas.

So, today, I am meditating on the Real role of gifts in the Christmas story (and no, I do not mean a fringed lampshade sitting on a net stockinged base). I am talking about those gifts that were wrapped in miracles, which is probably why we will never find them in malls, or on line, or in a catalog...

The first gift was the gift of Spirit, also known as unconditional love.

The second gift came from a young Jewish girl named Miriam; she gave the gift of selflessness. She completely surrendered her ego and will which was needed to bring Heaven down to earth.

Then we have the gifts of her fiance/husband Joseph which were trust and faith. He trusted Mary when she said she had not laid with another man and he believed in the divine plan that was sent to get them through what was truthfully one horrid mess.

The Christ child brought the gifts of forgiveness, second chances, and wholeness; repair.

The choir of angels brought the gifts of comfort, joy and peace as well as the reassurance that there was nothing to fear. They brought a reason to be joyful.

The poor little shepherd boys gift was generosity as the only thing he had to give was (no not a drum song) his favorite lamb.

The innkeepers wife gave gifts of compassion and charity in the form of a dry safe place for a homeless family to stay, her best cover to wrap the new born baby in and a meal for the family and hay for their beast of burden who had carried them all that way.

Then there were the three kings from the east who had followed a bright star in search of a royal birth that sages of yore had said would lead them to the birth place of the King of Kings. On their camels backs were treasures with which to honor the baby's arrival. But when they arrived they were NOT led to a palace. They found this newborn prince in of all places a cow stall. How shocked these Wise Men must have been as they unwrapped their gold, frankincense, and myrrh... expensive gifts to be sure. But their real gifts were pricelss as they were wonder, acceptance, and courage. They offered wonder by surrendering logic, reason, and common sense. Accepting the impossible, they suspended skepticism long enough to double cross the insane King Herod who was frantically searching for the child who it was said would change the world. And, with courage, at the risk of their own lives, these Wise Men helped the young family escape to a safe haven in Egypt until the danger had passed.

Oh yes, Christmas is truly about gifts. It is nothing but gifts. But oh such wonderous gifts. Gifts tied not with bows but with heartstrings. Gifts that surprise and delight long after the newness or the "battteries" wear out. Gifts that nurture the souls of both the giver and the given. Perfect, authentic, soul driven, gifts. The gifts of Spirit all wrapped up in a frightened teenage girl, her bewildered boyfriend, a child, angels, a shepherd boy, an inkeepers wife and Three Kings. The gifts of the Magi.

Unconditional Love.
Selflessness
Trust
Faith
Forgiveness
Wholeness
Second Chances
Comfort
Joy
Peace
Reassurance
Rejoicing
Generosity
Compassion
Charity
Wonder
Acceptance
Courage.

These are the gifts I long to give and to receive this year. Yes the economy is hard and money tight.. and the gimmees are still running wild. But to give such gifts as these... to truly open our hearts to receive such gifts gratefully is the gift the Universe offers to all of us, no matter what our religious belief.

Christmas just won't be Christmas without any presents... How right you were little Jo...

Amen

Blessed be.

Life is an illusion?

I have been awake since 4 am today, despite the fact that I do not have to be at work, but the muse has struck and thoughts are racing. I have been thinking about the loss of control in my life ... and then fall back on what I have always said: Control is an illusion.

Illusions, once like one of my favorite spy characters from WWI Mata Hari, are the concious mind's double agents. The ego does not like to think that anybody, especially our own selves, can do it better than it can. So the ego seduces the rational mind into believing those things that help us make it through the day -- that this time he will stop drinking, that the children are just going through a phase, that the economy is improving, that the unworkable will work if you will just try a little bit harder. Now, maybe all of this is true. But if its not, and in my case I learned it was not, then you are setting yourself up for the double cross. When the subterfuge succeeds, the master illusion, the minds double spy, moves in for the kill, convinding you that life can be manipulated.

Well, surprise, it can't. A few weeks go smoothly, at home or at work, and suddenly we secretly succumb to the lure of THINKING we can control relationships and/or the course of events. We line everything up in perfect order so that, through sheer force of will, we will be at the right place at the right time. But when we become ADDICTED to thinking we can control another person's behavior or a particular outcome, we're as vulnerable as a crack addict who thinks this his, this fix, will be the last.

High on determination, we assume we can handle the day, the deal, the deadline, the death of a spouse, the cancer, the growing pains of family, if we can just keep everything under control. When reality strikes and we realize we can't we spin dangerously out of control and into a nosedive. As Melanie Beattie reminds us in The Language of Letting Go: "Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life".

And while some may choose to walk away from the wreck, we are often more upset by the loss of the illusion than by the reality of the rubble. The good news here is that we CAN pick up the pieces and salvage the best of a bad situation, but NOT until we become aware and accept the fact that we have unconciously betrayed ourselves.

You can never lose something if you never had it to begin with. I have learned this hard lesson in the last few months to the nth degree. You were NEVER in control nor will you ever be. Let go of the illusion so you can cut your losses and move on. Acceptance of the inevitable, as difficult and painful as it is today, is the first step to inner peace... that is the trade off.

Today, trade a life that you have tried to control and you will receive in return something better; a life that is manageable and real.

Blessed be.

LET GO OF THE FOLLY AND GLIMMER

At this time of year, our attentions are more often turned to those things which we do not have...rather than what we do. The season of want is upon us and by that I mean the season of non stop shopping. Thanksgiving is only just behind us but long before we were planning our dinners, setting our tables, and really giving thanks, stores, newspapers, and commercials were blasting Christmas and want all over the place. Now, it is black Friday and the four hurried, frenzied, chaotic, often angry filled weeks of shopping are ahead... but where is Christmas?

How many of us believe that if we head out to the malls today that it will do our souls good? Time for a reality check? As we were all counting our blessings yesterday how many of us actually focused on them and were not simply giving a rudimentary form of lip service to the "season"? Money is going to have to buy a lot this season and as our economy worsens, this may be the "new norm", however, it can NEVER buy the gifts that count the most: good health, a loving supportive marriage/relationship, healthy children and grandchildren, the fulfillment of creative expressions, a general love of nature, good friends or inner peace. How often do we forget this? No, it is NOT because we are ungrateful but because we get distracted by the folly and glimmer of "life".

NOW is the time to remember. What if the Universe suddenly gave you a choice? You are guaranteed all of the afore mentioned gifts (blessings) but you cannot have that new house or 42 inch TV? Or you were granted those material things but literally throw the dice to determine life's blessings? What would you choose? For me, this option has been brought to me several times... and though I may not have the best of health etc... I am glad that I have been blessed and that a fancy home, material things, and status mean nothing to me.

So today, as I watch the beginning of a new dawn, I am meditating on the blessing of health. Heaven knows we cannot buy it but it can sure put us into a world of debt don't you agree? Sadly good health is NOT for sale. Health is a priceless gift from God that most of us take for granted until we become sick. So today, take a moment to ponder and realize that even if you have nothing else, if you have your health you are wealthy indeed. If you have a healthy heart, healthy mind, and reserves of energy and stamina as well as creative energy and the ability to see beauty in all things, the world is literally lying at your feet. Where there is life, there is hope.

As I continue to battle cancer and other health issues, I am reminded that health is NOT just the absence of sickness. To me, good health is vitality, vigor, high energy, emotional equalibrium, mental clarity,and physical endurance. These are the gifts I pray for.

So this morning, I will take my vitamins (lots of those now), thank God for the health I do enjoy and ask for more. If there is only one spiritual lesson I can give to you today, it is to ask. Then believe

Ask and you shall receive. Ask and be specific and if you don't get it well at least you tried and the Universe is holding that request for just the right time.

Blessed be.

My Course Is Set For Avalon

The past three months have proven some of the most difficult and yet most enlightening of my 54+ years.  Three months ago, the anger that has snaked through this family like a cobra always ready to spring, sank its fangs into me... and so far it has cost me the laughter, joy and love of a very special little one and time with my children.  One child has even gone so far as to call me a deviant and, after years of giving everything I had and of him telling others of what a hard working, strong mother I was... to calling me an abuser.

I have been called a liar regarding cancers that ravage a body (despite the fact two of the children have been present at various doctors visits and surgeries in the past) and was recently questioned if I was even in a hospital (which I was) where they admitted me for a suspected heart attack..(an angiogram shows variant angina and eventually a stent may be required)  I had neighbors and friends who had to aid me a bit in this area as well as a social worker involved, named Casey, who had to contact my employer so I would not lose my job.  There have been no lies.. .just me wrapping myself in protective cocoons and trying to protect others, perhaps badly, from my own truths.

I was told by this same child that I needed to see a therapist (despite the fact I have been in counseling for over three years which is probably one of the reasons I have had the strength to make the decisions I have made for MY benefit instead of everyone elses)... If that has made me appear selfish??  I am so sorry, but I want to be healthy and happy and stress free... just for a little while and I am trying with everything I have to be so. I want to stick around for a little while longer and to do that I have to release some old programs, old angers... and old hopes.

I have gone to Oak Creek to walk with the spirit of my husband, my lover, and their father... and chose to leave this now in his hands and the hands of the Universe.  I cannot heal any of this.. and I am trying so hard just to heal me.

I am preparing to battle yet again to try to clear the liver of heavy metal deposits which caused a form of cirrhosis due to far too many blood transfusions... and at times, today, while at work, I kept thinking... why do I keep trying? 

I guess the anwser to my question is that the Univers will provide each of us with all the time we need to find ourselves and even when it is time for us to part company, when my journey takes me to another path with new discoveries I need to make of my own, I will not be alone. None of us travels alone. Each of us has a purpose.

Someone who loves you and me, unconditionally, is at the helm of each of our spiritual ships.  Divine Love sustains each of us, surrounds us, enfolds us, protects us. So let us each go in peace. We are as ready as we ever will be, well equipped for the adventures and trials awaiting here and in that great Universe.  Divine substance -- the only true Reality -- wil provide for each of us abundantly, if we but ask.

That is the difficult lesson I had to learn these past couple of years... that I had to ask.  Ask for help, guidance, Grace. Ask for the Power to be "switched on" Ask to catch the "Flow"  Ask to soar like the eagles on high, float like the beautiful butterly or dart, gracefully like the gossamer winged and oh so delicate dragonfly (my spiritual totem).

I had to learn to Ask. Ask. Ask.  Then I had to learn to listen and in some cases accept the fact that the Universe had something to teach me and maybe it would not come about as I had hoped... but it would come.

I began by asking for respite from the crisis that were occuring within and without.  In so doing, as the Buddhists teach, I had to surrender myself to the suffering, the sorrow, and the pain.  I have had to learn to surrender my expectations.  I have had to ask to be surprised by joy and beauty... and simplicity.

Then I had to remember the greatest thing of all... I had to remember to give thanks.  I have had to learn to live with patience (and that is so had for any of us to do).  I had to let myself see small miracles and beauty and to get excited again.  I had to learn to open my arms as wide as I could to receive all of the miracles with my name on them that the Universe is waiting to over each and every one of us in moments of true need.

I have had to return to the simple, creative, and practical path full of joyful simplicities whch await to be revealed in small moments;  like the laughter of my granddaughter, the smile of my grandson, the voices of my children, the playful antics of the neighborhood children, the loving support of good neighbors and friends, the strength and wisdom of Tom, the memories of love with my Doug, the comfort of two little shihtzus on my lap as I cryin pain and fear, the gift of continued love and friendships that keep me warm and stop me from falling or quitting.

I have had to remember NOT to forget that life's path is truly a spiral and when I get stuck to look out at the wide vista, like the beautiful painted desert Tom first showed to me and two years ago we shared with our little Jessica, and see how far I really have traveled.  For during those parts of each of our journeys, when only the far horizon in in sight, then simple joys become an absolute carnival of contentment. 

Simple joys and wonderful memories, become parts of a small but sturdy vessel, strong enough to withstand the most violent of storms. The triangular sails have been spiritually designed to take advantage of the invisible winds blowing from either side of real life -- through the darkness and the light where this playful shadow will always be moving in and out for all eternity.

Do you and I have everything we need for our journies?  I believe we do.  No, I am sure we do.  I have my "treasure map" my ships logbook (you are reading a part of that now), and a somewhat wiser and even more loving heart to act as my compass.  It will help me (as will yours) to determine latitude and longitude of longing.  I will check it every day, trusting me to keep me stready and on the mark.  Use your own compass as well for I believe that Love will never fail me or you.

Then believe... Believe in yourself as I must believe in myself.  Believe in the ONE who believe in you.  All things are possible to those who believe.  Belief and love will be the very things that bless you with courage.  Trust me for I know how true this is.

I have learned to navigate life by the stars... for I have had two dominants ones in my lifetime (one now walks arm and arm with Orion, the constellation which sits directly over my humble house every morning around 3:00 am watching over me, and the earth bound one which the AUniverse sent to me to help me make it through this difficult part of the journey. As well as one precious twinkling one that, for now, remains just out of reach but always in my heart and soul.  Search the heavens for your star.  Kep on the look out for soulful markers. They really do surround us all of the time.

The remember, we are not our bodies, we are our souls. The soul's awakening is gratitude!  The soul's sernity is order and harmony. The soul's passion is beauty. The soul's true purpose is joy.

How blessed I have been to know life...

I pray that your journey, dear reader, will be a long one.  I want each of you to savor the stops along the way for they make the search, the seeking, marvelous, meaningful, and memorable. Ihope that you find and honor your own peace.

As for me, I know there are still harbors to be seen for the first time.  I know I am headed for a special place I have never been before.  I will walk my path with my head and my thoughts held high.  I will allow my personal passions to stir my mind, my body, and my spirit.

My course is set for Avalon.  Legend has it that once you reach her shores, you will never be the same person.  When I find this sacred isle, I will be able to remember what I have always known.  I will disvoer the person I have always been. I will no longer see things as they are, but I will see them as I am; a part of the divine. A part of the essence of life itself.  Through the parting of the mists where doubt and faith meet, I will see the self and soul made visible. And I will see each of you in its mystical waters and watch my children grow and play, watching all of your journies and awaiting your arrival.

I wish all of your a long and wonderful jouney and this time of Thanksgiving and love begins.

I love you.

Blessed be