Life is an illusion?

I have been awake since 4 am today, despite the fact that I do not have to be at work, but the muse has struck and thoughts are racing. I have been thinking about the loss of control in my life ... and then fall back on what I have always said: Control is an illusion.

Illusions, once like one of my favorite spy characters from WWI Mata Hari, are the concious mind's double agents. The ego does not like to think that anybody, especially our own selves, can do it better than it can. So the ego seduces the rational mind into believing those things that help us make it through the day -- that this time he will stop drinking, that the children are just going through a phase, that the economy is improving, that the unworkable will work if you will just try a little bit harder. Now, maybe all of this is true. But if its not, and in my case I learned it was not, then you are setting yourself up for the double cross. When the subterfuge succeeds, the master illusion, the minds double spy, moves in for the kill, convinding you that life can be manipulated.

Well, surprise, it can't. A few weeks go smoothly, at home or at work, and suddenly we secretly succumb to the lure of THINKING we can control relationships and/or the course of events. We line everything up in perfect order so that, through sheer force of will, we will be at the right place at the right time. But when we become ADDICTED to thinking we can control another person's behavior or a particular outcome, we're as vulnerable as a crack addict who thinks this his, this fix, will be the last.

High on determination, we assume we can handle the day, the deal, the deadline, the death of a spouse, the cancer, the growing pains of family, if we can just keep everything under control. When reality strikes and we realize we can't we spin dangerously out of control and into a nosedive. As Melanie Beattie reminds us in The Language of Letting Go: "Whatever we try to control does have control over us and our life".

And while some may choose to walk away from the wreck, we are often more upset by the loss of the illusion than by the reality of the rubble. The good news here is that we CAN pick up the pieces and salvage the best of a bad situation, but NOT until we become aware and accept the fact that we have unconciously betrayed ourselves.

You can never lose something if you never had it to begin with. I have learned this hard lesson in the last few months to the nth degree. You were NEVER in control nor will you ever be. Let go of the illusion so you can cut your losses and move on. Acceptance of the inevitable, as difficult and painful as it is today, is the first step to inner peace... that is the trade off.

Today, trade a life that you have tried to control and you will receive in return something better; a life that is manageable and real.

Blessed be.