My Course Is Set For Avalon

The past three months have proven some of the most difficult and yet most enlightening of my 54+ years.  Three months ago, the anger that has snaked through this family like a cobra always ready to spring, sank its fangs into me... and so far it has cost me the laughter, joy and love of a very special little one and time with my children.  One child has even gone so far as to call me a deviant and, after years of giving everything I had and of him telling others of what a hard working, strong mother I was... to calling me an abuser.

I have been called a liar regarding cancers that ravage a body (despite the fact two of the children have been present at various doctors visits and surgeries in the past) and was recently questioned if I was even in a hospital (which I was) where they admitted me for a suspected heart attack..(an angiogram shows variant angina and eventually a stent may be required)  I had neighbors and friends who had to aid me a bit in this area as well as a social worker involved, named Casey, who had to contact my employer so I would not lose my job.  There have been no lies.. .just me wrapping myself in protective cocoons and trying to protect others, perhaps badly, from my own truths.

I was told by this same child that I needed to see a therapist (despite the fact I have been in counseling for over three years which is probably one of the reasons I have had the strength to make the decisions I have made for MY benefit instead of everyone elses)... If that has made me appear selfish??  I am so sorry, but I want to be healthy and happy and stress free... just for a little while and I am trying with everything I have to be so. I want to stick around for a little while longer and to do that I have to release some old programs, old angers... and old hopes.

I have gone to Oak Creek to walk with the spirit of my husband, my lover, and their father... and chose to leave this now in his hands and the hands of the Universe.  I cannot heal any of this.. and I am trying so hard just to heal me.

I am preparing to battle yet again to try to clear the liver of heavy metal deposits which caused a form of cirrhosis due to far too many blood transfusions... and at times, today, while at work, I kept thinking... why do I keep trying? 

I guess the anwser to my question is that the Univers will provide each of us with all the time we need to find ourselves and even when it is time for us to part company, when my journey takes me to another path with new discoveries I need to make of my own, I will not be alone. None of us travels alone. Each of us has a purpose.

Someone who loves you and me, unconditionally, is at the helm of each of our spiritual ships.  Divine Love sustains each of us, surrounds us, enfolds us, protects us. So let us each go in peace. We are as ready as we ever will be, well equipped for the adventures and trials awaiting here and in that great Universe.  Divine substance -- the only true Reality -- wil provide for each of us abundantly, if we but ask.

That is the difficult lesson I had to learn these past couple of years... that I had to ask.  Ask for help, guidance, Grace. Ask for the Power to be "switched on" Ask to catch the "Flow"  Ask to soar like the eagles on high, float like the beautiful butterly or dart, gracefully like the gossamer winged and oh so delicate dragonfly (my spiritual totem).

I had to learn to Ask. Ask. Ask.  Then I had to learn to listen and in some cases accept the fact that the Universe had something to teach me and maybe it would not come about as I had hoped... but it would come.

I began by asking for respite from the crisis that were occuring within and without.  In so doing, as the Buddhists teach, I had to surrender myself to the suffering, the sorrow, and the pain.  I have had to learn to surrender my expectations.  I have had to ask to be surprised by joy and beauty... and simplicity.

Then I had to remember the greatest thing of all... I had to remember to give thanks.  I have had to learn to live with patience (and that is so had for any of us to do).  I had to let myself see small miracles and beauty and to get excited again.  I had to learn to open my arms as wide as I could to receive all of the miracles with my name on them that the Universe is waiting to over each and every one of us in moments of true need.

I have had to return to the simple, creative, and practical path full of joyful simplicities whch await to be revealed in small moments;  like the laughter of my granddaughter, the smile of my grandson, the voices of my children, the playful antics of the neighborhood children, the loving support of good neighbors and friends, the strength and wisdom of Tom, the memories of love with my Doug, the comfort of two little shihtzus on my lap as I cryin pain and fear, the gift of continued love and friendships that keep me warm and stop me from falling or quitting.

I have had to remember NOT to forget that life's path is truly a spiral and when I get stuck to look out at the wide vista, like the beautiful painted desert Tom first showed to me and two years ago we shared with our little Jessica, and see how far I really have traveled.  For during those parts of each of our journeys, when only the far horizon in in sight, then simple joys become an absolute carnival of contentment. 

Simple joys and wonderful memories, become parts of a small but sturdy vessel, strong enough to withstand the most violent of storms. The triangular sails have been spiritually designed to take advantage of the invisible winds blowing from either side of real life -- through the darkness and the light where this playful shadow will always be moving in and out for all eternity.

Do you and I have everything we need for our journies?  I believe we do.  No, I am sure we do.  I have my "treasure map" my ships logbook (you are reading a part of that now), and a somewhat wiser and even more loving heart to act as my compass.  It will help me (as will yours) to determine latitude and longitude of longing.  I will check it every day, trusting me to keep me stready and on the mark.  Use your own compass as well for I believe that Love will never fail me or you.

Then believe... Believe in yourself as I must believe in myself.  Believe in the ONE who believe in you.  All things are possible to those who believe.  Belief and love will be the very things that bless you with courage.  Trust me for I know how true this is.

I have learned to navigate life by the stars... for I have had two dominants ones in my lifetime (one now walks arm and arm with Orion, the constellation which sits directly over my humble house every morning around 3:00 am watching over me, and the earth bound one which the AUniverse sent to me to help me make it through this difficult part of the journey. As well as one precious twinkling one that, for now, remains just out of reach but always in my heart and soul.  Search the heavens for your star.  Kep on the look out for soulful markers. They really do surround us all of the time.

The remember, we are not our bodies, we are our souls. The soul's awakening is gratitude!  The soul's sernity is order and harmony. The soul's passion is beauty. The soul's true purpose is joy.

How blessed I have been to know life...

I pray that your journey, dear reader, will be a long one.  I want each of you to savor the stops along the way for they make the search, the seeking, marvelous, meaningful, and memorable. Ihope that you find and honor your own peace.

As for me, I know there are still harbors to be seen for the first time.  I know I am headed for a special place I have never been before.  I will walk my path with my head and my thoughts held high.  I will allow my personal passions to stir my mind, my body, and my spirit.

My course is set for Avalon.  Legend has it that once you reach her shores, you will never be the same person.  When I find this sacred isle, I will be able to remember what I have always known.  I will disvoer the person I have always been. I will no longer see things as they are, but I will see them as I am; a part of the divine. A part of the essence of life itself.  Through the parting of the mists where doubt and faith meet, I will see the self and soul made visible. And I will see each of you in its mystical waters and watch my children grow and play, watching all of your journies and awaiting your arrival.

I wish all of your a long and wonderful jouney and this time of Thanksgiving and love begins.

I love you.

Blessed be