Christmas Past

The tree is down. Ornaments and decorations have been put away. The photos of family Christmas' of years gone by, things my grandsons and granddaughters made for me have been tucked safely away in desperate attemtps to keep them safe for future years. I hold on to these memories fiercely now as so much from the past was lost.


The ornaments are always blessed reminders of Christmas's past... the blown out egg shell the Douglas made for me when he was a little boy, the photo Ornament of James when he was only 8 (he sold such items when he was a cub scout to help my pack earn money). Then there is the punched tin heart that Mary made out of a can top and the ornamets I made when each child was born. I have Jessicas ornaments... the ones I bought for her each Christmas and the ones we made the year I was unemployed after being laid of from Quest and did not have money to buy elaborate things. She did a beautiful job and I keep them safe for ever now. ). And I have two that I bought when James Christopher was born.. a silver teddy bear and an angel with a blue rose.

The Indian Nativity set ( I forget how many of those I actually made... each time giving it away to an admirer) now so old and yet still so loved. Jessica's nutcracker collection that we began for her when she was a mouse in the Nutcracker Ballet and which I will add to every year no matter what: she will have those and those beautiful porcelein dolls when I am no longer here.

I have one single satin ball from the very first Christmas Tree Doug and I ever put up.. We had so little money that year so we got a cheap little tree, one string of lights, a package of satin balls and tinsel (Doug loved his tinsel). We each had a little over five dollars left to buy presents with after that. I still have my present, the best one I ever received; Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass" which he got on sale from Waldens Book Store. I got him a Grand Funk Railroad record he had wanted (yes a record).


We managed to have our first Pike Family Christmas that year.,though most of the goodies were eaten by Doug and two of his friends before company ever arrived. And then he had to leave me to stand duty at Midnight. It was the loneliest Christmas Eve of my life. I think, however, poor and all, that truly was the best Christmas I ever had...



There have been many wonderful ones since and all have special memories... Douglas's first Christmas... James getting his very first scooter... the Star Wars ships and characters, GI Joe, Thunder Cats and more. Mary's first Christmas... laying in the arms of Santa, and the Strawbery short cake, Barbie, and She Ra toys that came in abundance for years.



Then there is the one Christmas when Mary had just turned one, where Doug and I had NO sleep as we struggled to put toys together in time before they woke up... we finish around 4 am and they were up before 5 !!! And when Mary was not quite four and Doug and I had once again been up late, hearing the boys getting their little sister out of bed so SHE could go and wake up Mom and Dad so everyone could see what Santa had Bought. The boys, so certain we could not turn the "baby" down... but we could not have turned them down either. I so loved Christmas mornings when they were small.

Years later, James managed to make his mother cry... I always put stockings up for every one (me too) but of course, as I was Santa..no one ever filled my stocking. One year I had taught James and Mary how to make ceramics... and to my surprise that Christmas morning my stocking was filled... with a handmade ceramic basset hound and a ceramic persian cat. Moving often sadly saw those precious items broken and lost to me.. but not the memory.

Then the saddest Christmas of all... the one after Doug died. I know I gave the children and friends all a good one and have the photos to show it but truly I do not remember it. Had it not been for the children and my need to keep things normal for them and for our new jewel... Jessie... I probably would have skipped it all together, donned sack cloth and ash and sat in the fireplace all night. But I pulled it off... Gingerbread house, stockings, HUGE tree.. and a wonderful Christmas Eve..
That night, before dinner, when I asked each attendee to tell me what they were thankful for, James again had me shed tears (which I had held back for all their sakes) by saying he was thankful for a strong mother. How I wish, today, he knew exactly how much strength I truly had, then sadly too.. I know eventually he will know and for that I am saddened greatly.

That Christmas morning, Mary came down the stairs holding her precious baby in her arms and for a few minutes... I felt her father.. The smile in her face that day can never be replaced and I spent a great deal of time this Christmas Eve after the guests had left looking over photos of that Christmas. Despite the turmoil of a custody battle that became drawn out and nasty... the death of her father... the loss of a love she found not to be real... my baby girl stood tall... and her little girl giggled and cooed and felt the love all around her.



One year later... another little one joined us and I still have the photo of JC dressed up in his own little Santa Suit lying in his fathers arms. That photo and memory made me write a poem for him which will be in the new book. He is a special little guy and I always tell him that.

This Christmas, they are estranged from me for reasons that many know and have learned the reality of. I have not seen them in over 5 months but I still held my traditional Christmas Eve where all who are in need of company, love, and Christmas spirit are welcome... and the happiness of the spirit filled me as I once again walked hand in hand with my god mother, my Uncle.. and my beloved Doug... I sent him roses that night when all had left.. over the fire I had built... and stood under Orion's belt wishing him a Merry Christmas after which I sang to him that song I sang to him Every Christmas Eve for 23 yeears... IS snow Falling?

I ached for my family and when it came my turn that night to say what I was thankful for, I gave thanks for each of them, expressed my sorrow at the rift between us and hoped they were celebrating together... even if without me. I was with them Christmas Eve as I am always in heart, mind, and soul. Sadly, a recent messaging between James and me made me realize how much was taken out of context in things they have read and that the lack of communication will never allow this to heal or be set to rights. It also made me realize the need to move forward with the legal plans necessary to ensure that they finally do see and know the truth. I can only bring the hose to water but I cannot make them drink. However, legal realities and documents in black and white sadly will. I did not ever want to do this.

I hope, someday they will remember that where I have brought others into my life.. whenever it comes down between their needs and mine or those of others... I have always put their needs first. So too have I done as to my health concerns (as I saw what the cancer etc was doing to them)... and would I do today if their need was such I had to release any hopes and dreams to keep them safe. I know they know that to be true.. as it has been done over and over again.


Now, as the ornamets are now put away this Christmas Eve, and I set the house to rights, I feel this old year ebbing away. It has not been a good one. Health issues, financial issues, family misunderstandings and alienation... and realities I will have to make known because of these misunderstandings which I have long kept hidden), have made it an uphill battle, but it has also been a year filled with love, laughter.. adventure and positive things like a job, a RE license, a decent home to live in, great trips and fun with my granddaughter Jessica, a great landlord, great friends and extended family and the love of another man.. different then the one with Doug... more mature and based more on intellectual then physical needs but which will never replace my Doug. And hope.



I am blessed and so look forward to the New Year and Christmas' yet to come.



God bless everyone. Happy New Year.

( Jessie bear... I am always here for you and mommy... and will leave anything and everyone if you ever really need me. I am here.)



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