I just finished hanging laundry on the clothes line Tom installed for me... this good man knew how much I loved the "smell of clothes just washed" from drying in the natural wind and sun... As I sit here, I can see the soft breeze blowing the blanket my little sister Roxie gave me when I met her for the first, and probably last time, almost eight years ago come this June. The blanket talks of sisters and has her name on it and mine. I met two other little sisters... Beth and Rhonda and two fantastic little brothers Tim and Joshua... Tim and I bonded almost immediately. I know I will never see them again either. My oldest son Douglas flew with me to meet them and a dear old friend and teenage love Gary helped me through it as well.
My little brother Joshua... is almost 27 years old now(can you imagine having a little brother almost 30 years younger then yourself and younger then your own children) married to his long time sweetheart and mother of his precious little girl (who looks so much like my own children and grandchildren). How I had hoped to visit all of them again but health and finances keep me far away.
I missed sharing their lives and I missed the opportunity to shelter and protect them from the pains of a childhood none of us should endure. I am no friend to adoption... it left me totally alone and allowed five wonderful people to be hurt and kept at such a distance. I hope they kmow I always wanted to be a part of a big family. I was a part of none.
I have another little sister... Kim from my birth mother Janice whom I got to meet when she was 12 on a few occassions... she even spent a few days one summer with me. She would be 44 now and the last I knew she had a little boy named Cody whom I never got to meet. Cody is a grown man now... another life missed
There there is my adopted sister Debbie... we never bonded though I do love her greatly. I had hoped time would bring us closer... it did not. She never returns letters or phone calls or cards. Before Mom became so ill and Debbie placed her in that long term care facility, she told me of Debbie's thoughts and anger. Mom told me that she tried but Debbie would not listen... However, just like my own children, Debbie never asked me what had occured in my life from home. She never knew what was going on but I also guess that means she did not care.
My beloved Doug will be gone 13 years when September comes... I never thought or dreamed I would be the one left behind. Oh the doctors had told me that I would not have him long if he did not adjust his life style... and I fought hard (perhaps too late) to keep him. But I still, deep inside NEVER thought I would be left behind. That is not the way this was supposed to work.
My children are grown and my Mary is doing very well (the last I heard). They have no need of me any longer. My little Jessie bear is turning into a young woman this summer; she will be 13. All "little girls" have that summer when you can watch the change from child to young woman... I watched it with her mother. I am so grateful for all of them. They kept me going... they gave me youth and challenges and wonderment. They need me no more...
My second book is complete... filled with poems of love and life... some sad and some oh so bright and star filled. Dedicated to my Jessica and my Tom... with poems about my children, my grandchildren, friends, family, and Doug filling its pages. I am proud of the work and know I have left something good behind. My work is done.
Cancer is taking Tom. It will also take me; I hope I beat him to the finish line. I am watching the America I once knew and defended (still defend) and love be turned into a third world country without borders, a common language or pride. I have suffered loss on so many levels over the course of these past 54 years but none so great as over these last 7 months. All I feel and see in the world around me is self centerdness, anger, knee jerk reactions, manipulation... and despair. Here and there a few glimpses of the world I knew and loved but they are becoming fewer and farther between.
Tom says, that even when he is here now I seem so far away... . The return of cancers, family upheaval, the economy, and fear have built this wall. Then too, we both know understand that neither of us sure if we will see one another again. And, I am tired.
I love them all so very much and I ache for all of them... but I know I cannot really touch them again there has been too much vileness that has been spilled. Too much name calling and NO communication; just accusations and in most cases out right lies due to subterfuge, jealousy, and the inability to say "this is what I need" or simply. "can we talk".
Can we talk? Not any more.
I am so tired. Tomorrow... I am going to the desert and just walk. I will just walk and be with Tom and Doug and in my memory a little Jessie Bear. I will walk and remember...
Kwai Chang: Master, what is the best way to meet the loss of one we love?
Master Kan: By knowing that when we truly love it is never lost. It is only after death that the depth of the bond is truly felt and our loved one becomes more a part of us than was possible in life.
Kwai Chang: Are we only able to feel this toward those whom we have known and loved a long time?
Master Kan: Sometimes a stranger known to us for moments can spark our souls to kinship for eternity.
Kwai Chang: How can strangers take on such importance to our souls?
So many hold importance in this damaged soul. I pray I have touched a few as well. In the end, I think that is the best any of us can hope for and strive to do.
This has been a season of so much loss...
No comments:
Post a Comment