Dark Days

The majority of the time, despite the cancers, the major upheavals in the world so many fronts, and the loss of my beautiful granddaughter in my life due to pettiness and ignorance, I can still maintain the understanding and belief that the Universe is a wonderful place and in spite of it all, I truly have everything I need. On other days, much like this past weekend, it seems almost impossible for me to meditatively quiet down my wants -- or my fears. Lately it seems I have far too many unfulfilled desires and dreams and I am sick and tired of waiting for change, and peace (or even a good job) to manifest themselves.

Sadly, it is apparent that dark days have come to us all in some way shape or form. Dark days. Those secret saboteurs called depression, anger, and fear are all working to effectively (but only temporarily) derail us from our progress but each day truly does offer us a gift if we are only willing to look for it. There are those days when we are sad or confused for very clear reasons such as being unemployed, the death of a loved one or worries over money and health. Other times, those reasons are not quite so clear and that leaves us feeling even worse. Well, unlike some of my contemporary "counterparts" in the world of psychology who cruelly will tell you to "Get Over It!" I will tell you "feel it". There are millions of different people in this world and millions of different reasons for feeling depressed, confused, or angry such as : the appalling lack of appreciation not only by others whom we have loved and protected but by ourselves, the advent of something as simple as the flu or as devastating as cancer, or simply a part of one's own personal process of transformation.

Despite my poetic nature, I am also very much a realist and will not tell you that spiritual or creative growth is smooth, predictable or without pain. Far from it as a prior post dealing with the dark night of the soul explains so well. Fay Weldon stated this fact quite well when she said "All the best transformations are accompanied by pain. That's the point of them".

I also believe that growth, personal growth, comes in stages of two steps forward and one step back mixed with long plateaus when it seems as though nothing is happening at all. However, nature shows us in the passing of her seasons that a dormant period ALWAYS precedes a growth spurt. However, during the dormant period is when we most often become depressed and think about giving up... I am currently in such a period... "a winter of discontent" as it were.

It is on days like this that I can barely get myself dressed and out the door to work. I feel like hell and look it but I also could care less. The laughter of children sounds distant and my voice sounds shrill. My patience level, normally so high, is at an all time low. Life seems very bleak and without promise. It is taking far longer to discover my true niche in life but now I am no longer sure I even want to find out.

Sound familiar dear reader? If we are honest, it should. So, when dark clouds hover, what should we do besides holding on and riding out the storm? I feel I have one of two choices. One, the easy one, if to simply give in, stop resisting. I have the blues and so I will sing them baby... Yes, this lady has the blues and will write poetry and song to them. But, before I do, I will ask for grace and blessings. Then, I will have a good cry. Perhaps I will leave work early or take another day off from work. I will let myself take those needed naps now. I will indulge, without guilt, in that bowl of Spumoni or that piece of peach cobbler and I will do so slowly... savoring all of it. Perhaps tonight I will prepare comfort food for dinner and then soak in a hot oil bath finally slipping into that big bed Tom bought for us, snuggling down in the covers and writing five things for which I have been grateful for this day.

Or I may take my second choice and kick the blues right in the ass by shifting gears. Again I will ask for grace and blessings and then call upon good friends and talk. I will put the kettle on for a fresh pot of tea. I will wash my face, comb my hair, put on my makeup, perfume, and jewelry and smile at myself in the mirror. I will straighten the living room so that I can feel the order I love. Then take a walk around the block or in the desert just to clear my head.

No matter which route I choose, or you choose, within 24 hours the day will be over. Tomorrow should be better but if it's not (nor the next day, nor the next), then it is okay to ask for help from friends, a support group, a therapist, a doctor, AND your Higher Power. Ask!

Dark days come to all of us and yet these discouraging days bring with them a rainbow of opportunities when we can be kind to ourselves and to each other. Believe it or not, today offers you a hidden gift, if you are only willing to search for it.

(For Jessica)

""" you are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when I feel blue"
you will never know dear
how much I love you
Oh don't take my sunshine away""""