I have been battling cancer in some form since 1993... And I do believe that those who have been battling or riding this dragon for many years must surely have a sense of its presence that is different from those newly diagnosed or with fewer years experience. I don't know, perhaps I am wrong in that belief but here goes anyway...
It occurs to me that when cancer first is diagnosed that it is a challenge to know that the illness is cancer. I know from family experience and work related experience that some can't even say the word for a few months; a few never say it. Some become angry and feel that they have been betrayed, because they think that they don't deserve to be saddled with that monster.. Some have expressed anger at the Universe for permitting them to have cancer. Some have told me they are angry at the world. Some even stay in a posture of denial that it's not really cancer, and that it will all be made well, or it will be discovered that it was a mis-diagnosis. This sort of delusion has been observed to last for several years with some.
Still, some others just accept "the death sentence" and die. (In recent months I have learned that some "outsiders" in my life have thought that was what all cancer patients did do and possibly should do HA!) Please let me clarify, however, that not all who die have given up. There are too many whom I personally know that have died in spite of everything that could be done by them and for them, emotionally and medically. Still others have died because they lacked support; that need for human touch, compassion, companionship, love.
All in all, it seems to me that we have to accept the fact that cancer is not an immediately solvable illness, but it's more nearly so than it has been at any time in medical history. Recently I have read that those with spiritual faith have a better time of it than those who do not. One of the remarkable pieces I read was to the effect that when people pray for those with cancer that those with cancer improve, even if they don't know there are people praying for them. In the prayer circle I belong to, I have seen the truth of this more than once. Blessed be!
It seems to me that more practical people, those who don't accept the "death sentence" as soon as they are aware of the diagnosis, first try to find out everything they can about their own cancer. I know this occurred with my significant other when he was diagnosed with prostate cancer as it has occurred to me with each and every diagnosis including my most recent. This has a number of benefits for the patient. One important thing it does, it permits the patient to be "more treatable" than a person who chooses to remain uninformed, or a person who is in denial. The process of learning has not ended for me since my first diagnosis and due to the changing knowledge that is available, it probably won't end in the foreseeable future. Several times now I have "beaten" the odds. I shall beat them again with this new diagnosis.
It impresses me that the first time a medicine or a medical procedure is tried it is not perfect. We all benefit from those who have preceded us in the cancer journey before we were diagnosed, and those who come after us will be benefited by our experience. This is true both from the medical standpoint and from the patient's understanding of the nature of the disease and how to manage it. Neither we, nor our physicians are to be held accountable for perfection. Not even the Universe itself completes everything in perfection.
In the cancer experience, learning about other people, their fears, strengths and concerns is a continuous process. Just learning about them gives us a sense of compassion for them, and helps us relate to them in a way in which only humans are capable. We don't shoot our wounded. We try to comfort and strengthen them. In some way which I don't understand we take on their hurts in such a way that they are made easier for the ones who are suffering. It isn't a masochistic manipulation of the relationship, but an opening of communication that says we understand. That consciousness of understanding gives strength to others without weakening ourselves. I believe it really makes all involved stronger. I know it has done that for me.
In the process of learning all we can about our disease, all we can about others and their problems with cancer, we begin to learn more about ourselves. We learn that we have capabilities that we did not know existed. We have become, because of cancer and our associations with others in the same boat, equipped to comprehend some things that we were not equipped to comprehend before our diagnosis and before our association with other cancer patients. I have said more than once to friends, that I am not foolish enough to be thankful for cancer, but I am thankful for some of the lessons it has taught me. I think I know myself better now than I did almost 20 years ago when I was diagnosed with my first cancer.. Thankfully, I truly believe I am a better person in some ways. My physical condition is considerably less desirable than it was before I was first diagnosed, but my spiritual dimension has grown.
I have condensed this concept to say; "First we learn all we can about our disease, then we learn about others, and in the process we learn about ourselves". Maybe that's true.
It would be foolish to think that a person could ignore known science and treatment and think himself/herself into wellness. It is also foolish to think that known science knows everything there is about cancer. The medical community is growing in scientific knowledge. We, as human beings, are also growing in our self determination by realizing that a positive approach to life benefits us in our treatment. A positive attitude may not cure the disease, but it goes a long way toward curing the person. Those who know me understand that I believe it is mental attitude, love, and spirituality that are the ultimate healers, but medicine must come into play as well and, sadly but gratefully, it is to come into play AGAIN.
My internal healing abilities are enlarged by my hugging another whom I have come to love and by telling others that I love them. This happens more and more with cancer patients. Now it is easier for me to accept the expression of compassion and love that comes with the physical touch than it was before cancer. I am more able to accept the need of dependency on others. It's an acceptance of what others feel, and I hope that I will never be callow or negative toward those who express something words can't say, in this fashion. It was a little surprising to some of my physicians to get a hug from me as the patient, but I have related to them as close friends. Add to this that I was, once, almost unhuggable except by a child.
Because I am a writer, primarily a poet, writing helps me define things that I think about and I encourage other patients, their significant others, their children, extended family and even friends to write down their feelings and doubts and fears. None is too dreadful for us as patients to examine, even if we don't do it for others. It does us good to express ourselves, even if it is just to ourselves. When I was pursing my psychology degree, one of the things we were advised to do when we became counselors was to have our clients "do some creative writing on that subject". Sometimes, when verbal communication fails (as it often does with this writer), it is the best way of expression and of healing.
Dialogue is a matter of receiving from others and giving a part of ourselves to those with whom we converse. It is my desire to never regress to the point that I am afraid that exposing my thoughts and feelings will make me less in my own eyes or in the eyes of those who hear or read what I happen to say. It is my desire that others will not be lessened in their self-concept by what they communicate, but will discover the joy of greater realization by "some creative writing on that subject".
When we read... we must never take things out of context but read the whole and accept the simplest things the writer may convey... and then feel what it ultimately means to us in the greater scheme of things.
blessed be
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