My candle burns at both its ends
It will not last the night
But oh my foes
And oh my friends
It does give a wondrous light. ~ Edna St Vincent Millay
I realized last night, as I lay in bed, the pain from the cancer, the kidney problems and the electrolyte imbalance that has turned my legs against me, that I am totally burned out physically. Worse yet, due to unresolved family issues, missing my granddaughter Jessica more then words can tell, working at a job I hate and pays so little while gas and food prices rise, I am emotionally and spiritually exhausted as well.
I am officially burned out. I am out of balance. I am struggling NOT to give up.
Burn out often begins with illness. I was discussing this exact same fact with the mother of my neighbor the other day as her daughter Karen currently battles illnesses of her own. It can begin with anything from a bout of flu you cannot shake, to shingles, to cancer, and it is generally accompanied by depression . Sometimes burnout can be mistaken for a creative dry spell, particularly if you are in denial which up until last night I think I was.
Last night I realized that I suffer from first degree burn out. Not the kind of burn out that manifests itself simply as a sense of exhaustion at the completion of a project that has taken months or years of challenging intense work . If that were the case then taking a few days off from work to rest and then begin anew at a somewhat slower pace (which I have tried) would be enough to bring about a speedy recovery. No, I have first degree burn out -- the soul snuffer -- which has come from living unbalanced for years when what was supposed to be a temporary situation becomes a lifestyle.
I am burned out. Its burnout when you go to bed exhausted every night and wake up tired every morning because no amount of sleep refreshes you month after weary month. Its burnout when EVERY thing becomes too much effort from simply combing my hair to going out to dinner, visiting friends or even going on vacation (which I have basically refused to do this year). Its burn out when you believe that you will never want to be hugged again under any circumstances or when you find yourself cranky all the time, bursting into tears or (I have not reached this point yet thankfully) going into fits of rage at the slightest provocation.
I am burned out... terrified at the next phone call. Feeling trapped and helpless, unable to experience pleasure, dream, or simply be content. Lately neither big thrills (the publishing of my new book) or little moments (my beloved sunsets) have the power to move me. Since last May, nothing satisfied and I have no clue on how to fix it.
I am burned out and realized last night that there is not one person on this earth who can or really wants to help. I realized what a waste in total my life truly has been and despite trying to leave a positive mark on this world.. I have left nothing.
Burnt offerings
Burned to a crisp
Burned beyond recognition
Burned alive
Burned out.
Trying to set the world on fire, to be there for everyone, to wear your heart on your sleeve definitely comes with risks. Unfortunately we seldom see it until smoke gets in our eyes and creates even more loss and confusion.
My little brother chatted with me a bit last night.. a warm light in an ice crystal coffin... and told me to come there to live and get out of this shit. No can do little brother... my Doug rests and walks here... my Jessie bear is here... this is where my spirit too will abide.
New doctors are entering my life... old ones are leaving or being dispatched. New problems have been found but old ones remain unresolved. It is too much. It is too much.
