THE DEAD ZONE

I truly cannot remember when I first started writing--it seems, to me, that I was born with a pen in my hand; much more able to communicate through a poem, letter, or essay than to do so verbally. I know I have always been a writer and no matter what someone says or does, I cannot "not" write.

Throughout the course of my lifetime, writing has NEVER been about being published, in fact, I could care less. It is, however, the only way I have ever had or known to speak, emote, or simply just be. I do find that I am more comfortable in writing in long hand long before I could take it to the typewriter or now to the computer. There is something very intimate that occurs between me, the pen, and the page that is lost on the electronic world. However, progress has forced all writers to turn to the computer and eventually the world wide web. First, however, I have to feel that pen, that paper, and the flow of spirit.

The writing life is rarely "exciting"; in fact, there is little excitement involved in the process. At times, the writing process is akin to walking through my beloved desert in the afternoon heart with virtually no end in sight and just enough water to make it through. During those moments, I look for that special image only to find it was a mirage.

At other times, everything feels empty and nothing I write seems to hold or to have value. I can compare it to trying to grab a fistful of sand with open hand and watch the grains of sand run through my open fingers much like time now runs through my life. This is when I question the value of my writing.
I remember my mother telling me that writing was a waste of my life and that I would never be able to make a living from it. My father did not want me to go to school for journalism; he wanted me to be a teacher, a nurse, or a secretary. Others in my life, when I am absent from community or family because I am lost in the writing process, want to know what I do all day in what feels, to me, like and endless need to control time or me.

I have finally learned that things outside myself have always been demanding me to conform or to placate; but conformity and placating others robbed me of my life, offered me no challenge, and left me feeling spiritually dead. That is what I have come to call my 'dead zone'. So I have arrived at a place where I can no longer allow the wants or demands of others to create inertia within any longer; my life is too short and I will no longer fail myself.

The only failure in writing is when I let others stop me; when I stop writing, saying what is on my mind, sharing my convictions ,dreams, sorrows, ideals, loss, etc. If I allow things, others, or circumstances to silence my writing then I also fail myself and I will no longer do that. Others are free to debate my writing, enjoy it, hate it, or ignore it, but no one is allowed to tell me to stop writing or to stop sharing; NO ONE.

So, the outside world can go right ahead and scream at me because I have created, with the help of God, supportive counselors, doctors, and friends, an inner world of determination. I now make consistent positive efforts for the good, not only of others but for myself.

When I am writing, I feel like I, alone, have the responsibility to make the earth turn around the sun. In a way, this is a truism for all because each of us does, in fact, create the world.

Guess I had better get to work then... This is where I find my personal power and NO ONE is going to take it away. Don't let anyone take yours away either. Let's do away with the Dead Zone.