I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN

http://youtu.be/P7IbQyG9PL4
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61 Years ago  this October 17, the Universe welcomed my soul mate, Douglas James Pike into this world.  I can't help but wonder what he would look like today.  As I watch older couples walk through stores or down a street and see them holding hands... I long for his touch as well and wish we were together again.  Sixteen years later, God took him home... and I am so lost without him.

Wishing you a Happy Birthday my love. Wait for me on Brickyard Road... someday we will celebrate it together again... in style

I little new that morning that God
Was going to call your name
In life I loved you dearly
... ... In death I do the same
It broke my heart to lose you
But you did not go alone
For parts of me went with you
The day God called you Home
You left me wonderful memories
Your love is still my guide
And though I cannot see you
I feel you constantly at my side.
Our sweet family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same
But as God calls us
One by one
The chain will link again.

You will always be with me... 

The inability to open up to hope is what blocks trust, and blocked trust is the reason for blighted dreams.

"I cannot believe that the inscrutable Universe turns on our sufferings; surely the strange beauty of the world must somewhere rest in pure joy" ~ Louise Bogan~

Accepting and blessing our circumstances are powerful tools in the process of true transfiguration. In reality, this potent combination is a spiritual elixir that can work the real miracles in our lives. But what exactly do I see as acceptance? The circumstances the Universe has recently placed me in are showing me that acceptance is actually surrendering to what are my circumstances, my feelings, my problems, my financial status, my work, my health (which continues to deteriorate), my relationships with people, the delay of my dreams and even more difficult the delay of my absolute need to be returned to the individual I once was and was born to be.

Last night, as I prayed for wisdom while gazing at a star filled sky with my sweet little shihtzus sleeping on the patio with me, I realized that before any further change can occur in my life that I have to understand that this is the way it is meant to be right now.For me, this surrender is a journey through the dark night of the soul. It has become the silent scream, the whispered prayer, and the quiet tears. It is chanting over and over and over again "it's all right". It is all right as in "You lead, I will follow". It's all right as in "Everything will turn out right if you just let go and follow because this is, quite simply, such a small part of such a very long journey."

Last night, during that dark night of the soul, there was an epiphany. Suddenly I understand that a great deal of my struggles to remain content despite outside circumstances have actually arisen as I stubbornly resisted what was happening to me in my life at the present moment. True, in many cases that same stubbornness has literally keep me physically alive but spiritually and emotionally it prevented me from true growth in my faith and in the Natural Order of things.

I have learned, albeit slowly, that when I surrender to the reality of the situation - when I don't continue to resist, but truly surrender - a softening in my very soul occurs. Its as if the steam of struggle has been allowed to escape from life's immense pressure cooker. Last night, looking at scrapbooks of me and my granddaughter under a star filled sky we shared so many times, I humbly accepted my circumstances and my true position. and I relaxed.

Last night, I reclaimed my center and finally feel the electrical vibrations alter, the rate of my heartbeat dropping down, and my fear dissipating... i am not at the helm any longer; I never was. Finally, I can once again tap into the boundless positive energy of a Universe NOT hell bent on destruction but on rebirth and creation. Surrender illuminates reality and lights the way to the next step where the Universe is waiting to lead me further.

"Our task is to say a holy YES to the real things of our life as they exist"~ Natalie Goldberg" So yes, this is my battered, bruised, torn apart body that will be rebuilt and made even better so that I may be of greater and longer service... and to give love with for a longer lifetime. This happy space of my granddaughter's is now my the recovery room of my heart, taking me back to a time I never really knew - surrounded by dolls, princesses, fairies, and stuffed animals... all helping to reclaim the little girl in a too soon woman's body. This is where I am to learn special lessons so i can be better ... Where I walk with her in memories of snow, petrified forests, Indian Ruins, horseback rides, swimming pools, and cloud gazing.

I now understand, almost intuitively, that I am now past the Maidens Nubile beauty and the Mother's nourishing breasts have been stripped away from me; never to return. The recent thyroid cancer surgery, skin cancers, liver biopsies and my most recent surgery are turning a once pretty body into a road map of scars. But I know they are battle wounds. I will not regret them further.

I am now entering a new stage... even more vibrant, sensual, beckoning...I am entering that long awaited period of stark individuality - what pagans call the Crone (no do not confuse this with physical age or deterioration of body or spirit) -and in many ways, I feel like a baby; alive and filled with wonder. Taking a stronger hand and walking the path with God. A second birth with the knowledge of my talents, skills, true purpose and, most of all, the limits by which my life will now be lived. I understand. I accept. I surrender.

There are two new books to complete writing (both with waiting publisher). A new Real Estate Business to try to build as I sign on with a new broker. A better place of employment to be found that will be more fulfilling and challenging intellectually. I may not be able to hike or travel much right now, but I believe there will be again. And I know that, if the Universe grants me enough time, there will be laughter to share once more with a special granddaughter (our bond was always strong and love filled)... and maybe even with her mother and uncles and cousins once again.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

Blessed be.

A BUDDING FLOWER

A BUDDING FLOWER
(For Jessica as she turns 13)

"Child of Moonbeams and starlight" ...
Is how I have described you to others,
My dearest Jessica.

But,
You are now no longer a child,
Nor are you fully grown
(As if any of us is).

How to now regard you,
My granddaughter of thirteen years?

With love, of course.
And gratefulness that
The God and Goddess of the Universe
Blessed my life with your presence.

And with awe,
In observing the inner beauty
That your physical presence reflects.

Not "fully grown ..."
Yet a full, whole person
With dignity, strong intellect
And passions for nature, learning
and laughter

I have observed from life that
All is experience and growth.

You are surely poised, now,
To experience life to the fullest,
And to grow into the great and wonderful woman
Of which you are now the budding flower.

Happy Birthday to the greatest anniversary present your grandpapa and I ever received. Though we may be kept apart for reasons neither of us fully comprehend... you are with me constantly in heart, mind, and soul. I sent you a birthday card and hope you received it. Put 13 dollars inside.. one for each precious year.

Until I see you once again... know Mom-mom loves you always.

The Music Of His Soul

When they were quite small...we presented all of the children with musical instruments... a guitar to our oldest, a drum set to our middle child, and a piano to our youngest on Christmas morning. During the day, we watched in amazement as the children chose "different instruments" then those Santa had given them. The oldest gravitated to the piano and seemed to have a natural inclination to playing it. Our youngest, our only girl, gravitated to the drums and also seemed to be a natural. But what amazed us most is that our middle child, who gravitated to the guitar... excelled. Years later, when he was around 16, he was voted as the second best guitar player in the state of AZ. I hear him always in my mind... playing and singing songs he wrote himself... the music of his soul.

This poem, dedicated to our middle child, will also be found in the new book I am writing... Dancing With the Spirit of Shadowplay

THE MUSIC OF HIS SOUL

My son’s fingers are like a ballerina in dance
The calluses upon his fingers
Similar to the feet of the dancer
His mother used to be
Strumming the string’s
upon his instrument;
his life.
The music is his soul
His mind is captive
The solitude plays in his head
Profound the words
He writes
He becomes the music
which he gives life to
And so the instrument
and the man
become fixated in my mind
It’s a marriage of two
Which become one
His music will forever play on
In my heart and soul.

Wonderment

My current battle with cancer has slowed me down more than I had thought possible (and much more then I am willing to tolerate.) I will be returning for more surgery, tentatively on August 12) if they can get my blood chemistry leveled up correctly; which will probably also help with the extreme fatigue).

However, this enforced quiet time has allowed me more time for memories and writing. Below will be one of the newer excerpts from my upcoming book Dancing With the Spirits of Shadowplay (my last volume of poetry written by a playful shadow). This poem was inspired by a bitter sweet memory of my oldest son when he was five years old and did not return from school in a timely manner. Frightening at the time, we found him (teachers, Novato Police and me searching for him for almost an hour) in a river about 1/4 mile away which was then raging due to the spring storms. With relief co-mingled with fear, I saw him standing in the middle of this river... his blue raincoat around him and the water raging around his knees. At that time, the mother in me (with the police following us), brought him up and chased him home for breaking the rules...)
Later, peaking in at him and his brother, safely asleep in their bunk beds, I remembered how amazing I thought his joy of life and his curiosity was... this is the poem of that wonderment.

WONDERMENT
(For My Son, Doug)

Terrified, I
found him in the rushing creek,
watched him float twigs
down the tiny falls,
across the narrow brook
that led to the raging river.

Always curious and somewhat defiant
He was the teacher of all things wonderful--
smooth stones,
soft mud,
caterpillars,
cold feet in shallow streams.

Through his eyes, I learned how to wonder again
as butterflies, orange and black,
Monarchs of their world
flitted across the path
and songbirds praised the violet sky.

The world welcomed a new spring day.
With tears of gratitude
And I grew young
along the creek,
in that fading evening light,
through the eyes of a boy just turned five.
And the veiled curtain of
Nature's rain....
 

Stay Warm My Children... stay loved.

Exactly one year ago today.. was the last time I saw you...

No child should be lost,
And no child of mine;
Anger railed at
Life's cold shoulder.

Stay warm, my children.
Stay safe.
Stay, loved.

I carried you,
With your brothers,
All at once;
Keeping you tucked inside me,
Sheer gravity trying to steal you
Too soon.
I willed you all to stay
So you could grow
And be well.

Be warm, my children.
Be safe.
Be loved.

Mommies try too hard sometimes.
Daddies turn their backs
Without ever really turning away.
You don't understand,
And if I did, I surely would tell.
I do rail with you,
But my growing age
Makes me ride the waves
While you try to run on water,
And oft times sink.

Draw nigh and be warm, my children.
Draw nigh and be safe.
Draw nigh and be loved.

You need a hand,
But mine is soft
And full of years.
You need something
I can't seem to find.
My eyes are burning;
Still, I won;t let you drown.
Just hold tight.
There is strength waiting for you,
I am always waiting, just ahead!

Choose warmth, my children.
Choose safety.
Choose love.

And the years will pass
Like leaves in the current.
Step there,
My love is a rock;
And will lodge under your feet
For all days.

Update on health and future.

Finally home, again (hopefully for good this time as I have been going back and forth to the Mayo hospital, surgeons and GP these past two weeks ). This battle has been a rough go... very rough go.

Cancer was found in throat and thyroid. Parathyroids were involved so they are gone too.. :( Radio isotope swallowed, new drug therapy in addition to thyroid drugs to combat cancer has just begun. Seizures and nerve damage due to severe calcium deficiency as they had to take parathyroids too. I am now being assigned to an endocrinologist at the Scottsdale Mayo clinic to assess the metabolic problems, as well as to determine what actions have to be taken in reference to the cancer that has metastised. I am more weak then I have ever been and emotionally and spiritually drained. Bacl to work Monday as I will be out of money. More surgery in the future, around August 14 is the tentative date for this one. and lots of dr appointments. For now, I won another battle. Thank you for prayers and support. God bless..

A VERY special thank you to the following: James Bosworth, Laverne Basham, Betty Adams, Alex Chavez Squires, Kris Wagner, Sarah Ashton, Alex Ashton who have aided me in transportation, dog care, and just supporting me through difficult times, and to my supervisors at ACS. Kudos to my surgeons and the staff at the Phoenix Mayo Hospital... you did great work and I know i am in good hands.

Time Is Mine To Discover for a little while longer

Photo was taken just before surgery. I love how the doctor marked the word YES on my throat... YES... !


This last surgery has probably been the toughest of all and the healing for this one will be longer and much slower then I like (or even want to allow). The thyroid is totally gone and with it the parathyroid's BUT I still have my voice... somewhat softer still but less gravely which will allow me to return to poetry readings sometime in the not too distant future. Another biopsy was performed... this one on the lung and blood chemistry shows nothing is functioning as it should. More surgery is in my not too distant future and I have many meetings with old and new doctors. But, I have time, good friends, laughter, and love. I have life.

During this lengthy healing process I have been able to become a little more introspective, unearthing remnants of memories buried deeply within the fertile soil of the subconscious mind. In some ways, this war I wage with cancer has been helping this 55 year old to excavate her real self.

Christina Baldwin (author of one of my favorite books Life's Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Practice) said "How we remember and what we remember and why we remember form the most personal map of our individuality. I concur with her belief in this area and I think it explains why some people cling to immaturity, anger, resentment or fear... they stop their own introspection far too soon. So, with the help of good friends, some great doctors, and my own faith, I am going to continue this spiritual dig that I know will eventually lead me to discover the Mystery of where my soul abides.

Whether you realize it or not, each of us has lived many lives. and each one has left an indelible mark on our souls. No, dear reader, I am not talking about the metaphysical such as reincarnation. I am referring to the episodic and sometimes cyclical ways in which our lives evolve: childhood, adolescence, university, career, marriage, motherhood, retirement, widowhood, and onward. At each and every stage in our lives we have experienced both laughter and tears. However, even more important for the interests of this topic, we develop personal preferences. Each live experience and how we CHOOSE to view or interpret it, leaves a layer of memory like a deposit of rich sediment: things we have loved and moments of contentment we have cherished that when recalled reveal glimmers of our true selves.

I have known many who are hesitant to recall their past because they are afraid they will dredge up painful memories or have to face some sad realities they would so much prefer not to own. But I believe that just like each new battle with cancer has brought a gift for me if I am but willing to look for it, so too will each painful memory come also bearing a peace offering. In truth, there is nothing to fear for the past only asks to be remembered.

Today and for the days that God lets me have, I expect many things as I sit around the campfire of my heart and you will around yours and if you invite me, I will gladly share with you. Remember, dear reader, that someone is always listening. Someone is always talking to you and encouraging you to take that next step as you embrace the Mystery of your soul.. as I embrace the mystery of mine.

Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonder filled ways for the dry seasons of life are never permanent.

Blessed be.

NATURES SHADOW.

In the shadows of
this foreboding storm,
thundering, echoing
lighting darkened sky
I ponder the truth of a chrysalis- beyond an enchanted dream
Suddenly my life is wonder filled for a transforming arty scheme
A "Free bird" amidst a rainbow canvas,
a work divine
Intoxicating breath of heaven, on sweet well water wine

Delicately woven intricacy
of nature’s luminous parfait
Even as the wonder of a waning summer
brings an elegant bouquet
It’s easy to dance with "Heavenly Wings"
Letting-go of the old for new 'exciting' things

Caught-up in the moment,
the beauty of Nature's word is true
The “Goddess of second chances” creates all things new
Now, like the butterfly, the old is left for dead
Enraptured by living scenes of beauty and wise words said

Liberated to limitless heights, free to soar and roam
With every negative there is a positive; now I rest at home
Humankind , symbolic of a butterfly, "here today and gone tomorrow"
We need truth and thankful days ,
while surrendering ourselves
to the Natural ways....

Bonnie Pike; from Shadows of Love 2/2011

Letting Go

As I prepare to face the greatest battle of my war with cancer on July 1, I have been spending more time with my counselor and with my spiritual advisor. We have talked so much over these past two months in particular, as I have taken in old records, old letters, what remains of old journals, new letters, losses, failures, joys, and successes. The past year has probably brought me the most pain and the greatest sense of what I have been to so many... I struggled this past year to get people to speak openly, to be direct, to view facts not fiction and to remember not just the bad but the good. I struggled to make them remember how much I love them. I longed for them to love me and to know that there is a definite place between fact and fiction. I have struggled to hold on to what was never mine at all. What I have finally learned, in both this battle for life I face (mostly now on my own ((by choice)) and for love is that it is time for me to let go grounded firmly in reality.

Letting go:

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you,coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said "...they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us." [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person or that you do not love them, care about them or need them. It just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something.. Today, I've finally received the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift I am told, Oh, it's not that your or I am leaving them, I am simply letting go; Father Craig has told me it's about being faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much painful effort, I don't need it.

So today Let go~

Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to.......

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ....... LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth......

LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you. LET IT GO!!! (To me anger is a wasted emotion that suck all the energy out of the room)

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge.....

LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction... ..

LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs ortalents

LET IT GO!!!

If you! u have a bad attitude.... ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......

LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a newlevel in Him.........

LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship. ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help

themselves.. ....

LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ............

LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to......

LET IT GO!!!

'The Battle is God's !'

For those you love, always will love, for those you must let go and forgive, join me in The Lords Prayer

Our Father, who are in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy Name, Thy Kingdom

Come, Thy Will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this

day, our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive

those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but

deliver us from evil.

For Thine is the Kingdom, and the Power, and the Glory, forever.

Amen.

God bless.

Time for me to let go

And Let God.

Embrace Your Passion...

I was remembering today when I first decided I wanted to be a writer, and I believe I was about 8 years old when I first started writing stories and poems. I know by 12, thanks to a teacher in Albion Central High School, I first began experiencing the exhilaration and absolute fear of being published and of public speaking. You see, sometimes fulfilling a passion really can be a double edged sword.

Some of us hear our passion calling when we are very young, like I did. Most of us, however, do not and not because the passion is not strong but for a myriad of reasons the worst of which is listening to external censors and the worst censor of all, our own internal censor. How many of us, including me, in absolute fear of those censors have embarked on that vocational path (teacher, psychologist, lawyer), trying on different lives for size until we find one we can wear even if it does not exactly fit and in most cases is quite unbecoming to us?

Perhaps you are conflicted about continuing a journey you embarked on 25, 30 or even 40 years ago but feel you have now outgrown. You know you are not heading in the direction you WANTED to go, but at least your daily motions are familiar, it is an accepted course, and of course, it pays the bills. Besides, familiar feels safe doesn't it? In today extremely turbulent world feeling safe and secure seems the true definition of emotional sanity and physical safety.

Perhaps you are skilled in one occupation but not thrilled about using those skills anymore? Some other line of work secretly thrills you but the stakes seem high and others might disapprove. Perhaps your are overwhelmed and depressed because you don't actually know what artistic work or self fulfilling work actually awaits you if you just have courage and faith?

Not knowing what you want to do can be very frustrating can't it? You want to go para sailing off the Grand Canyon but you are afraid of the risks... overwhelmed by the options For anything that stretches us outside ourselves, no matter how desperately our souls long for it, there is that inner critic telling us all the reasons we can't:

I would have to quit my job to do what I REALLY want to do; and I can't do that. Who would pay the bills, by the food?

Every time I try to go after something I want, I drop the ball and wind up failing. (Please remember that Edison failed over 1,000 times in making his light bulb and he never once looked on it as a failure. He said, I now know 1,000 ways NOT to make a light bulb)

I want to do so many things, I can't just pick one. (Sure you can, you have to start somewhere).

I have tried so many things and nothing really seems to fit me (refer back to Edison's discourse on the light bulb)

It's not my fault I am not doing what I want -- no one will give me a break. (Here I will quote Miss Helen Keller "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable:) No one promises us fairness or breaks; we must take the risks and make our own.

Then there is this excuse (one I gave myself when I was in my mid forties... I am trying to go after something, but my heart's not really in it, and I don't know why... (Sure you do.. you just think you can control something of which you have no control.)

Here, dear Reader, I would like to recommend a good book that may help you resolve some of these afore mentioned dilemmas: I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What it Was by Barbara Smith. Through her insightful writing you will come to understand that whether you realize it or not, there is a good reasons behind everything we do or don't do. Behind every choice we make or avoid.

None of us can move forward if we do not understand what it is that is holding us back. It may sound cliché but the truth really does set you free. If you suspect that one of those frustrated, angry, discouraged, or timid voices sounds awfully familiar, reading this book will help you gain wisdom and reassurance in discovering your true dream or dreams.

Passion, its cost may seem high, but there is not one single person who walks this world who can truly exist living as a spend thrift of self.

"Oh the secret life of man and woman -- dreaming how much better we could be than we are if we were somebody else or even ourselves, and feeling that our estate has been unexploited to its fullest" ~ Zelda Fitzgerald"

Go on, dear Reader, take the leap of faith, and embrace your passion.

Blessed be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OId8ByO4jg&playnext=1&list=PL15BFC737DBEA550C