A gone bye era,,, where did the magic go?

This Halloween will be a sad and lonely night... primarily due to the fact that I am kept from that one piece of sunshine whom I have spent the last 12 Halloweens with... helping her with make up and then last year I even got to go trick or treating with her.  It was still magical. 

Then too, it appears from my past six years here that not many children came out in this neighborhood, they were already diminishing in my Pensacola neighborhood the year I said goodbye,  but I have grown despondently used to the lack of their presence and laughter in our society.  It is so sad because I can recall in years gone by the happiness and joy of children on this special night... now there is so much darkness, distrust and fear.   I remember small town Halloween parties, barn parties, street parties... receiving homemade popcorn balls and caramel apples and hot spiced cider.  I remember bobbing for apples, playing the lifesaver game with a toothpick and hoping it would drop at just the right moment for a quick touch of lips with that special boy, hayrides and cuddling and a bonfire with the smell of fall leaves all around.  I remember. 

I remember the parties I gave my three children.  A lot of work but oh the fun.  We made the paper a couple of times with our decorations and the adults would line our home stairwell just to partake in the festivities and the ghouls dinner that always closed the night.   We lived on the Navy base and people came in just to visit with us that night...  I had hoped to  do this type of party one last time for all of my grandchildren... just one more time to let them see what this special night was truly meant to be.  That too is something now that can never be.

So tonight, around 8:30 p.m.,  I shall step outside on the patio under the stars... prepare a small fire... light my candles and incense and perform my yearly rituals.  I shall send a letter to that special one who is on another plane now, whose loss in my soul has not decreased even after  twelve years...  I shall drink a toast with my best wine to all those I love who have gone on before, Uncle Bill, my "father" Ed Breuilly, Tom McCloud, Eric Lemieux, Lucy, Harry, Mrs. Rodden, Aunt Nellie, Aunt Margaret, Uncle Jack,  Uncle Harold,Aunt Ann, Aunt Katie, Aunt Sophie, Jimmy Ugorek, Bobby Klepper, Rodney and others whom I miss dearly and ask their blessings for my future as I let go of this year's past mistakes, loss, and pain, which have been numerous...  I shall wish upon the brightest star and let the love of the Universe once again fill my heart... and I shall thank the goddess for the rebirth...

I shall pray for just enough... just enough money to pay my bills, just enough life left to serve my purpose, just enough love to cover the hearts who still need me, just enough joy to share with a stranger, just enough strength to get up one more day, just enough...  just enough...

This makes my 12th year without my beloved Doug...  and my first year totally alone...  I pray this coming year will be less difficult and filled with laughter, love, and prosperity, for me, my family, my friends and all those I love so very much.

Happy Samhain

blessed be

bonnie

"The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience."
Emily Dickenson

A Final Good-Bye

I have been away far too long from working on this blog but so very much has happened over the past almost three months that time has not been something easily captured and of course it is never to be controlled.  However, as the holidays approach and so many changes have occured, both good and bad, the need to write is present and time is being a shy friend today.

On September 2nd of this year I was widowed for a total of 12 years... and yet it still seems like yesterday and I remain as raw and numb as the antarctic winds. With the recent explosion of my family... one that has always been at war with one another in some way and has now found its way at being at war with me... I walked through this day with old friends of Doug's and mine and some of my extended family who have always been aware of the good and the bad and the deep love Doug and I had for one another... since I was 14.

Then on October 17th with the support of my neighbors Dan and Karen and the love of Tom behind me, I made a journey I have been wanting to make for well over 6 years; ever since I took my beloved's ashes up to Oak Creek to set his spirit free; I returned to that special section just outside of Sedona.  I chose this spot as I could not make it out to Doug's beloved ocean and it was a place of love and spirt and a vortex. He so loved the mountains and rivers so...  It was also the place where two of his children... with my deepest blessings.... were married (they each chose great spouses whom I have always loved and considered like my own children). 

I prepared very carefully for this journey... after speaking with family, friends and the therapist I have been working for at the cancer center for over three years now.  I brought my old E-Machine back out (where I have a great many emails from my children regarding their siblings and spouses) and printed out all of them.  I then printed out the recent emails directed at me... as well as IMs and statements made on FB... and put them all together in a folder.  I wrote a letter to my Doug... put on His wedding ring and the pearl ring he gave me so many years ago (one that my sweet Mary replaced the pearl in the year after he died), a picture of his family and grandchildren (I had to get an extra one of for SHY), our favorite wedding picture, and one of Jessie's teddybears... took a spade with which to dig and the scrapbook I had made from my last trip up there with my youngest son James and Betsy and Wayne Silverman... and made our drive to Oak Creek...

Prior to getting there, we stopped at the same grocery where I had stopped on three previous trips up there and bought the red rose and some things for a picnic.., with Karen and Dan came their two precious girls who are like adopted granddaughters to me so there was light and laughter comingled with the great sadness I felt.

Upon arrival we learned that we could no longer drive up to the cabin where we had disembarked when Mary was getting married... and had to park further away.  I am afraid I initially got turned around as to the trail but thanks to Dan who climbed up to a higher level and found the cabin I was seeking we were able to first have a delightful picnic then find out way back down to the proper trail .

It is funny how six years and cancer can make what was once a seemingly short hike seem so very long.  Add to this that a portion of the area had been damaged by fire and it took me a little while to hear the sound of the river although I found the spots where both Douglas and Mary said their vows very quickly.

When James and I spread Doug's ashes upon the creek bed at the very beginning of the creek area six years ago, we had found a huge stone where I initially set things up for the ceremony.  Prior to leaving that day, six years ago, I placed a plaque a photograph, and a talisman between the cracks.. as markers to the place.  After a few misguided turns, I finally found the rock and searching with the spade through the overgrown moss.. I found the remnants of those things... :)   I was at the place where my Doug's spirit had been freed and oh how I felt those huge arms around me.

With Dan, Karen and the girls looking on (Dan photographed so my children may one day look back should they ever decide to), I knelt in the wet soil and proceeded to dig deeply...   once I did so, I placed all of the letters I had copied and the long letter I had written to Doug telling him of all that had happened in the last six years, and about Tom, and about not being allowed to see Jessie any more... about the mastectomy, the rest of the cancers...the great rift between our children and me... and the heaviness in my heart... I wrote another breif card while I was there.. telling him I loved him and to wait for me on Brickyard road... and then I took off my rings... placed them in the hole with the letters and the photos of his family... and buried them all.  On top of this area, I placed another picture of our wedding day... and the teddy bear of his little Jessica.. the only grandchild he ever physically held although I firmly believe he held James Christopher long before any of us ever did.

I knelt at this little "alter" and sang him my version of Brickyard Road... and then asked him to please heal my heart and the hearts of his children.  I told him that I would not marry Tom but that I would continue to enjoy my time with this wonderful man and that I regretted the fact that a lack of reason, trust, and truth.. had led me to this place in life... but I could not make horses drink just lead them to the water.

I also told him that I would not be back to that spot again but that I carried him with me always... and if he could, to please help me understand why he did not want to do healthy things, stop the drugs, and stay with me just a little while longer... I so wanted to stay with him... travel... play... just be together even if but for a little while longer.  I asked him for peace.

I then walked over to the very spot where James and I had emptied Doug's ashes (how I remember running my hands through the soft white powder of what had once been that big strong man) and through petals from the roses in to the running water. Love on the water

So, on what was Doug's 57th birthday, I said one final good bye... I came home that night and felt a peace I had not felt since he left my world 12 years ago.  Things are still very rough here... I had additional surgery for skin cancer yesterday and face a "blood wash" in a week...  I do this now alone as I have been accused of "faking a heart attack" by my youngest (despite the stay in the hospital the tests and the people who I allowed to bring me things I needed being fully aware).. and I have no idea what I am being accused of by others...  but the facts and the truth are in black and white.  I do not let family into my life much any more... not because I do not love them but because I try to protect them AND me...  but again, I cannot make the horses drink; I can only lead them to  the water.

When my time is no more.. and I am far from ready to quit yet, the facts will be there and the truth can be seen... and I hope they will truly seek and find.  Until then... as I have set the spirit of my forever love free... I set them free as well and hopefully my own spirit can find some peace as well.

I am not sure why people in my life have always given me ultimatums of love etc if I do not do things a certain way...  I only know I can no longer walk on egg shells, I have to pursue my health care on MY terms... and I have to move forward being ME... I like the real me...  God willing so will those I love so deeply one day... 

I miss my little piece of sunshine though... and that pain will never go away.


God has other plans though... and we can but follow

God bless.

There comes a time.... that time is NOW

There comes a time in your life when you finally get it ...


When in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your

tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out "Enough!"

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And like a child

quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you

shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and though a mantle of

wet lashes, you begin to look at the world through new eyes. This is

your awakening.



You realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for

something to change or for happiness and security to come galloping over

the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that none of them are

Prince Charming or Cinderella and neither are you and that in the real

world, there aren't always a fairytale endings (or beginnings for that

matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with

you and in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.



You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not

everyone will always love you, appreciate or approve of who you or what

you are ... and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and

opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing

yourself and in the process, a sense of newfound confidence is born of

self-approval.



You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they

did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you

can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't

always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone

will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So you

learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the

process, a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.



You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept

people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human

frailties and in the process, a sense of peace and contentment is born

of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself and

the world around you is a result of all the messages and opinions that

have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all

the crap you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should

look and how much you should weigh and what you should wear and where

you should shop and what kind of car you should drive and how and where

you should live and what you should do for a living, with whom you

should sleep, who you should marry and what you should expect of a

marriage, or the importance of having and raising children.



You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of

views. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are; what you

really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing

and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or

should never have been taught to begin with and, in the process, you

learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving

that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and

contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a

"consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as

honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a by-gone era but

the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build

a life. You learn that you don't know everything and it's not your job

to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to

distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of

setting boundaries and learning to say "NO". You learn that the only

cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned

at the stake.



Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love.

How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to

walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a

relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more

intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man or woman on

your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at

relationships as they really are and not as you would have them to be.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn

that just as people grow and change, so it is with love ... and you

learn that you don't have the right to demand love on your terms just to

make you happy. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely. And you

look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never

be a perfect size with an ideal waist and you stop trying to compete

with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."



You learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin

to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced

diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn

that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So

you take more time to rest. And just as food fuels the body, laughter

fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.



You learn that for the most part, in life, you get what you believe you

deserve...and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You

learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that

wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making

it happen.



More importantly you learn that in order to achieve success, you need

direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can

do it all alone and that it's OK to ask for help.



You learn that the only fear that you must truly fear is the great

robber baron of all time ... FEAR itself. You learn to step right into

and through your fears because you know that whatever happens, you can

handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life

on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander

it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn't

always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that

sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting good people. On these

occasions, you learn not to personalize things. You learn that the

Universe isn't always punishing you or failing to answer your prayers.

It is just life happening.



And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You

learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be

understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and

poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are

wrong and to build ridges instead of walls.



You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple

things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the face

of this earth can only dream about ... a full refrigerator, clean

running water, a comfy bed, a long hot shower.



Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself ad you

to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever

settle for less than your heart's desire. And you hang a wind chime

outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make a point

to keep smiling, to keep trusting and to stay open to every wonderful

possibility. Finally, with courage in your heart and with Spirit by

your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to

design the life you want to live as best as you can.



blessed be

I WILL NOT REJECT THE GIFT

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being. Carl Gustav Jung





Many who know me remember that I was raised Roman Catholic, and at one time in my life even seriously considered becoming a Benedictine Nun.... time, circumstances, truth and the hand of the Universe led me along a different path and yet I still remember my Christian teachings and the pagan foundations on which they were built. It is because of these teachings and my deep abiding belief in the Natural Order and the power of God and goddess that I understand where I am at this point in my life.

I have lost the love of my life primarily to addiction and the subsequent problems that follow those; heart disease and cancer. I have lost much of my body to cancer and continue to wage a war with chemicals that are creating new problems, meditation, and faith. I have lost the love of my beloved daughter and son... and the companionship, laughter, and light of a precious little one. A deep part of me has entered that painful yet illuminating pathway that was referred to in my Catholic days as the Dark Night of the Soul... Sounds scary doesn't it? In some ways... oh yes.

However in my pagan beliefs, which honor the path of Nature and spirit, this is also a learning and healing process that is meant to guide me.

The Dark Night of the Soul is a lonely painful process in which consciousness is clouded by uncertainty to unravel the entanglements of ego within the self. As the pain and suffering within me and the world are faced and embraced, eventually the heart-beat of love is freed to express its many rhythms of service to others, to the Universe, and finally to self which allows all to become one and the same. However, I also know that I can only enter the dark corridors of this purification of consciousness if I accept the courage that comes from Spirit. Courage sustains my mind and body on this journey through the deepest agony, suffering and pain that the Universe has ever sent me.

The Dark Night of the Soul is entering a plane of unknowing, through which profound illumination in consciousness may emerge if I do not close myself off or fear. By entering and accepting the intense pain and emptiness that accompany this state, liberation, enlightenment, and participation in Mystical Consciousness replace the ego's distorted clouded perceptions with clear flowing light. The anguish and suffering within the self and the world can be transformed to profound understanding and joy. This is also the basis for a great deal of Buddhist belief.

The dark night of the soul is an avenue for reintegration first through disintegration. Western conditioning and socialization has created a false perception within us all that we are an absolute independent self. During the dark night of the soul we mourn as this notion of self is mourned. Through a painful de-conditioning, we begin to understand that reconnection to our true Self is not a singular process but a reconnection to everyone including our self and God. False notions of a separate self are being burned up by the fires of the mind. We begin to recognize that the feeling of abandonment by God, common to the experience of the dark night, is really abandoning the false sense of self and others we have developed. A realization unfolds that service to Self, others and God are all the same. An understanding emerges that you are an ever-changing relative self within One Self and other selves in the continuum of consciousness.

This de-conditioning is not easy and is a lonely and desolate place of suffering. Presently, I feel that I am caught between two worlds, the perceived painful world where I and other people helplessly suffer, and the enlightened world where unlimited higher consciousness and Divine Love reigns. Truthfully, I admit that my ego knows nothing of "let go, let God," and during the process of the cancers and family difficulties, it jolts and jabs the thoughts and emotions continuously with its daggers as it tries to cut and separate. The process is painfully stressful to the body and agonizing to the mind as the ego interferes and keeps me perceiving a hopeless never-ending battle between these worlds. I feel my whole ego system is in the process of being shattered as I slowly recognizes that the ego's many strategies are from the ways of the world, not the love of Spirit. All the discordant noises, disharmonious rhythms, repertoire of illusions, cacophony of prejudices, preconceptions, conditionings, socializations, false images of self, friends, family, and others are being called to task by the higher consciousness. I feel my ow own voice is unsupported by the Universe and simultaneously unheard in the wilderness of the people and politics. This mist of unknowing is antithetical to my ego that desperately fights and wants to remain part of me as the dark night I have enetered seeks mystical consciousness and enlightenment.

All duality perpetrated by the ego is being dissolved and disintegrated during this most painful emptying process. Out of this lonely internal battle deep within, I am beginning to find remnants of the wisdom of living purely for virtue's sake, free of the previous distortion that everything I do must be perfect and must be totally for others or at least rewarded. Hopefully, the feelings of alienation and rejection by the world will eventually subside and I will no longer be between two worlds, but start to come home; a true spirit of the Universe.

A lucid illumination begins that all compassion and service are for the Spirit, my relative self, Spirt, and every one. It is through this state of real being, that I hope to more fully realize that I can be in the world, not of the world. As cancer and loss pervade, I can be in the suffering, not of suffering.

There are many reasons that a dark night of the soul experience presents itself. Each of the reasons is ultimately a matter between your Spirit and what you came into this existence to learn. The dark night may occur to salvage the remainder of your life when living has become full of disharmonious habits and you are no longer living consciously or virtuously. The dark night may be an offering by your spirit to meet the challenge of purification and regeneration of your being before the end of your life. (This is where I feel I now am.) But, whatever the reason, within such a conversion process, a person must muster every ounce of their conscious energy to accept this deeply painful transmuting of ego energy back to meaning, purpose and service as they are one and the same. Some of you, like me, may have to endure several periods of the dark night of the soul throughout life. Others may be guided by their Spirit to stay in this state for intense work the remainder of their life before they die. (Again, this is where I believe I am now.)

Sadly, many reject the gift of the dark night repeatedly throughout their life as they follow their ego's perception that Spirituality should bring instant gratification and should feel good. True transformation is a painful process and takes time. In the New Testament of the Bible, when St. Paul was blinded and knocked off his horse, at least a decade passed before he began his service. It is time consuming to face and embrace all suffering, but it leads to understanding with the mind and viscerally with the body.

In a psychological sense the dark night of the soul may be understood as a dissonance between the ego and higher consciousness that have reached critical mass. The ego does not wish full spectrum higher consciousness to illuminate its illusions, denials and projections as it maintains an entangled web of violence towards the self and the self of others.

Intellectually, I have the insight that the ego never was my true Self, but this provides no emotional relief from the feelings of emptiness during this ongoing process. This state is like living in a cloistered convent surrounded by spiritual sightedness with no comforting insight within as to what is happening to one's self. (One of the reasons Monsignor Gulnderich once said I would not be allowed to enter the convent) The Self has never fully emerged independent of the ego and the ego provocatively generates terror and fear in this state of uncertainty. How tired I am of being afraid. Of walking on egg shells around everyone. It is time I began living life as my own truth.

New constellations of thoughts are beginning to be comprehended and integrated, while simultaneously old perceptions and discordant emotions are also being dissolved and transmuted to harmonious ones. My mind is in a composition phase for its understandings of a new EPIC poem with full un-impeded heart-felt beat in its walk with Spirit, and I know that my mind will soon stabilize and equalize to have healthier biorhythms within my broken body again.

One of my heroes in this life has been Mother Theresa. Mother Theresa was in a dark night of the soul the later half of her life up to her death. She even argued with the Pope!!!

She realized throughout her life that the poverty of disconnecting from one's Spirit was more destitute than the most intense poverty and suffering she could view physically in the world. She knew the heart of Spirituality with her consciousness and that the ego attempts to bribe us by offering its illusion that the process of enlightenment and salvation "feels so good."

Many today, through the lens of ego perception, would like us to fantasize that Mother Theresa was in a state of spiritual ecstasy, high on God that made her immune to placing her self in situations among those living in agonizing poverty and suffering. There were no spiritual endorphins that lifted Mother Theresa away from compassionately feeling the suffering of those she was serving. She was not held up by any spiritual opiated state. Her mystical consciousness was arrived at by entering poverty of Spirit within herself, seeing it in others in the world and through her consciously continuing service to the destitute and dying. She knew the many expressions of Dark Night of the Soul, within herself and in those she served in the world. She exemplifies what has been called the consciousness of the mystics. The last three phrases from her commentary, Do It Anyway, radiate the chosen determination and reverberations of her mystical consciousness:

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway!

People really need help but may attack you if you help them. Help people anyway!

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you've got anyway!

You cannot become a part of the Universe with ego. Ego has nothing to do with learning to love yourself or others. Higher consciousness is entered freely for its own sake and its illumination emerges by facing and embracing any darkness within self. Herein is the fundamental lesson that loving the Divine, Self and Others unconditionally, are one and the same. To enter higher mystical consciousness we experience directly all the pain and suffering within and without. This consciousness reflects and reminds us of the poverty of Spirit that remains collectively among all human beings. This is not material poverty, but the poverty of loosing touch with meaning and purpose, knowing true Self within and with others, and real service to each other.

I believe that love is the only way in which we see God. Love itself is the understanding. St. John of the Cross in his Dark Night of the Soul, said that he felt closer to God during his passing through the dark night. I understand that all too well now.

We each can know the deepest joy by embracing the greatest sadness consciously with love. We can send light and love to others and let it go... knowing they will receive it in some fashion even through time, distance, and space.

The dark night of the soul is offered as a gift of illumination to every single person.

I will walk this journey set before me... with so many wonderful people both here and gone one before, lighting candles for me along the way so I do not stumble.

Blessed be.

EPIPHANIES AND ANNIVERIES OF THE HEART

Today, I wait to watch the new sun that rises for me. Watch with me and see that everything speaks to us of passion, everything is alive, everything has spirit and it invites us all to simply -- cherish it.




Years ago, I read a marvelous poem, actually an elegy, written by Thomas Grey titled "Elegy in a Country Courtyard". The poet wrote this particular piece as he wandered through a graveyard back in 1750 at twilight -- very much how as a teenager, I would wander Mount Albion and contemplate on the meaning of life, the toil of those who had achieved and of those who did not. I would think, and still do, of the mockery of ambition, the struggle of both the rich and the impoverished to be happy, and the eventual realization that no matter what our circumstances in life, we all finally rest in some fashion "upon the sweet lap of earth". Gray felt that this was not much as simple joys are forever gone, destiny is obscured;



"For them no more the blazing hearth shall burn

Or busy housewife ply her evening care...

the paths of glory lead but to the grave."



However, in my walks through that cemetery, and recently among cemeteries here in Mesa, Apache Junction, Bryce Utah, and the Oak River Creek where I scattered my beloved Doug's ashes... I do not feel that sense of despair. I used to take rubbings of old tombstones (kind of want to do that again in my 50s now) and in some ways came to know and love the people long ago laid to rest beneath them. It was there that I often sat and wrote prose or poetry, singing a song of praise for every day that we have remaining... writing an elegy for every day that slipped through my life unnoticed and unappreciated. Thanking the Universe for giving me eyes that can truly see and a heart that can truly feel.



How many of my readers are aware of their own poet/songwriter inside? Far too often in this surreal techno world we move through our days in a fog or a frenzy -- until we are startled into consciousness by an unforeseen threat to something we hold dear and have been taking for granted for far too long.



I call these opalescent moments "simple epiphanies" because they jar me into a profound awareness of how much we have, and how much we have escaped, and how much there is to be grateful for. My beautiful granddaughter, Jessica, asked me (close to our last wonderful weekend spent together) why I did not seem to be bothered by things. I smiled and told her that it was not that I was not bothered, as I often was, but that I was able to know what was most important to me now... and that is love, and peace and following my own path. I call that GRACE.



Through the mystical alchemy of Grace and daily gratitude, what might have become an elegy to my life is transformed into appreciation, joy, and exultation. My own recovery or that of a loved on who has been seriously ill,the reconciliation after a painful breach between mother and children, the realization of how very lucky we are if we are doing work we love or, in this current economic climate, if we are working at all, the rejoicing that surrounds us at a long awaited rite of passage, the enormous satisfaction that comes after completing an overwhelming task and, one of the most important to me today, is the serenity that awaits us after a struggle has been abandoned.



The loss of my beloved Doug, Cancer, the anger of children, the absence of a beloved grandchild, the love of Tom and the support of friends are my epiphanies and they teach me to cherish everything. Everything speaks to our souls, with great passion, if we are still enough to listen and willing to hear.



Jane Seymour once wrote "You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life so that if it were over tomorrow, you'd be content."



Amen Ms Seymour. Amen.



Although I do have regrets, I know, even more deeply today, that I have given all the very best I had and that I have lived my life in a way in which I am proud. Am I perfect? Hell no. Will I make mistakes in the time God still gives to me? You betcha...



But I will write a song of thanksgiving for every day that remains....

Epiphanies... and anniversaries of the heart.

Today, I wait to watch the new sun that rises for me. Watch with me and see that everything speaks to us of passion, everything is alive, everything has spirit and it invites us all to simply -- cherish it.

Years ago, I read a marvelous poem, actually an elegy, written by Thomas Grey titled "Elegy in a Country Courtyard". The poet wrote this particular piece as he wandered through a graveyard back in 1750 at twilight -- very much how as a teenager, I would wander Mount Albion and contemplate on the meaning of life, the toil of those who had achieved and of those who did not. I would think, and still do, of the mockery of ambition, the struggle of both the rich and the impoverished to be happy, and the eventual realization that no matter what our circumstances in life, we all finally rest in some fashion "upon the sweet lap of earth". Gray felt that this was not much as simple joys are forever gone, destiny is obscured;

"For them no more the blazing hearth shall burn
Or busy housewife ply her evening care...
the paths of glory lead but to the grave."

However, in my walks through that cemetery, and recently among cemeteries here in Mesa, Apache Junction, Bryce Utah, and the Oak River Creek where I scattered my beloved Doug's ashes... I do not feel that sense of despair. I used to take rubbings of old tombstones (kind of want to do that again in my 50s now) and in some ways came to know and love the people long ago laid to rest beneath them. It was there that I often sat and wrote prose or poetry, singing a song of praise for every day that we have remaining... writing an elegy for every day that slipped through my life unnoticed and unappreciated. Thanking the Universe for giving me eyes that can truly see and a heart that can truly feel.

How many of my readers are aware of their own poet/songwriter inside? Far too often in this surreal techno world we move through our days in a fog or a frenzy -- until we are startled into consciousness by an unforeseen threat to something we hold dear and have been taking for granted for far too long.

I call these opalescent moments "simple epiphanies" because they jar me into a profound awareness of how much we have, and how much we have escaped, and how much there is to be grateful for. My beautiful granddaughter, Jessica, asked me (close to our last wonderful weekend spent together) why I did not seem to be bothered by things. I smiled and told her that it was not that I was not bothered, as I often was, but that I was able to know what was most important to me now... and that is love, and peace and following my own path. I call that GRACE.

Through the mystical alchemy of Grace and daily gratitude, what might have become an elegy to my life is transformed into appreciation, joy, and exultation. My own recovery or that of a loved on who has been seriously ill,the reconciliation after a painful breach between mother and children, the realization of how very lucky we are if we are doing work we love or, in this current economic climate, if we are working at all, the rejoicing that surrounds us at a long awaited rite of passage, the enormous satisfaction that comes after completing an overwhelming task and, one of the most important to me today, is the serenity that awaits us after a struggle has been abandoned.

The loss of my beloved Doug, Cancer, the anger of children, the absence of a beloved grandchild, the love of Tom and the support of friends are my epiphanies and they teach me to cherish everything. Everything speaks to our souls, with great passion, if we are still enough to listen and willing to hear.

Jane Seymour once wrote "You have to count on living every single day in a way you believe will make you feel good about your life so that if it were over tomorrow, you'd be content."

Amen Ms Seymour. Amen.

Although I do have regrets, I know, even more deeply today, that I have given all the very best I had and that I have lived my life in a way in which I am proud. Am I perfect? Hell no. Will I make mistakes in the time God still gives to me? You betcha...

But I will write a song of thanksgiving for every day that remains....

Creating a nurturing work place... in a sometimes hostile environment.

Work, even when I was a stay at home Mom, is essential to my over all well being and sense of self. I have always taken great pleasure in work and always looked forward to heading out the door on a Monday morning to go to work. That joy dimnished back in October of 2009 when I was laid off from Qwest for over 9 months. It has almost vanished from site since the economy went on a downward spiral, the unemployment lines grow longer, and older people in their 50s with good educations and experience are no longer valued... and tossed aside. I have value... and I have worked hard to be able to hold a good job. A good job?

Now what once brought me joy and comfort brings me stress and fear and that stress and fear is definitely contributing to the growth of cancers and the liver disease. The question is, what, if anything, can I do about it? Yes, I put out resumes daily, I even obtained a Real Estate license in the hope of building a business, but the economy looms heavy over all... and all stagnates. So what can I do?

I am a person who has always loved rituals and schedules. I realize that rituals of self nurturance are the cement that binds the day together especially as I now spend anywhere from 8 - 12 hours in the very pits of Hell and away from home and safety. At home, I can go and get that favorite cup of flavored coffee. I can glance at the cactus on my patio or the pictures that show so much love. I can smell the lavender that eases my pain and calms my soul. I can listen to classical music or the gurgle of a fountain. How can I do that in a cubicle where we are treated like cogs in a machine and even a moments conversation is frowned upon... with quotas ever increasing and expectations going above what most of the people will never attain? How do I bring peace and contentment into this work environment? Can I?

How can I create a pretty and pleasing workplace in this environment; a comfortable "nest" in a sterile chatoic environment? Perhaps I can bring in a pretty desk lamp? We have already had to remove personal plants but, maybe some pretty baskets and a small amount of potpouri that I am NOT going to have a reaction too. I have photos of Tom and Jessie... maybe a mirror and a few books of poetry or even a Dr. Seuss book. I could take in a pretty pillow or make a small afghan throw (as I am so often very cold there despite 100 + degree temperatures outside... Yes, these things I can do and will try to do to ease the pressure and stress.

I know!!! I can create a comfort drawer as well! I can fill it with those special things that are needed sometimes like a small sewing kit, tissues, breathmints, a couple of blank birthday card and cards of encouragement for co-workers. I can add some licorice and some dark bitter chocolate, some chai tea and hot cocoa. Then I should have some pain reliever, a band-aid or two and some hand sanitizer...

Another thing I could do is to create a little toy box of sorts. My daughters attorney 12 years ago, Karen (a very intelligent woman) often would take out this expandable ball and move it in her hands as she contemplated cases. I could create a small toy box at work and for a few minutes out of each day NOT have to be so grown up and mature. Maybe a small puzzle, a slinky, a little etch-a-sketch, my chinese health (chime balls), a kaleidescope, and even some silly putty... that might relieve some stress.

I already have a CD player at work, but would, sometime soon, REALLY like to get an IPOD and load it up with so many of my favorites... from 17th century chamber music, to classcal, to folk to rock to pop... but calming not frantic or heavy metal at work.

I can start to do what I did at Qwest, where we really were a team and a family... every few weeks I can bring in baskets of something good to eat (not necessarily fattening) but homemade, comforting, and tasty...

Perhaps, if I treat myself well on the job, the job will feel that vibe and treat me and others well too? I know, I know... strange little pagan that I am... but could not all of that be an inspiration?

My first degree is in psychology, and the truth is that the therapeutic value of a calming, friendly workplace is the first thing employers SHOULD think about as a benefit but it is generally the last.. Working happier accomplishes much more than working harder, don't you agree?

"When we truly care for ourselves, it becomes possible to care for more profoundly about other people. The more alert and sensiive we are to our own needs, the mor loving and generous we can be towards others".

I can but try... until God sends me a different job. Pray for me please.


Blessed be.

Laughing Down Lonely Canyons

Saturday, July 24, 2010Laughing Down Lonely Canyons


I deliberately chose to spend this weekend alone as there are so many things I have to sort through. The one that is closest to the surface and most raw is the damage that has been done since this last May to relationships that I cherish, love, and need by the very people that I have loved, cared for, and sacrificed for.




I kept a special man in my life at arms length for almost four years... afraid to allow myself to love again (afraid of loving again at all as I knew the pain and sorrow that can come from that). Just as I let the walls down and let myself fall very much in love... I was hit with hammers from hell wielded with great force by those I have loved for 30 plus years...




This wonderful man, knew my love of family and of my close attachment to a very special little one, and although he would have greatly preferred to have time alone with me, he welcomed her along with us on trips, dinners, outings... and he came to love her as she loved him.




This man has saved my life (literally) by encouraging me to get medical care which found cancer, riddling my body from breast to colon, to throat, to blood, to skin. He came and cared for me more tenderly then anyone I had ever known through mutiliating surgeries that would have sent most men running in the opposite direction. This man, while I was at work, cleaned house, planted a wonderful desert garden for me, did laundry, cooked, and went shopping buying me things that I would look at in stores... and surprise me with them .




One night, when I was filled with angst over my feelings, I fibbed to him and went to a movie under the pretext of going to a class... I came home late to find the candles in the house all lit up and a wonderful dinner waiting for me. No one had ever done that for me before.




This man does not like the ballet but does take me to see it and does not make fun. He enjoys some musicals but not all, yet still watches them with me and does not make fun of me. He listens to my dreams and then tries to make them come true. He honors my love of Indian paganism and lore and is not poking fun at me for the changes I am making in decor and self... he helps me become the woman I always have been but who disappeared one day way back in March of 1970... even before.




I am back exploring, hiking, climbing, horseback riding, going antiquing, to museums, studying history, talking politics, being with people who share my beliefs and my passions... I can even watch the Waltons and Little House on the Prairie without fear of ridicule. This man has set me free and allowed me to be me.




The response from younger ones who never ever really knew me? HE IS CONTROLLING YOU. Silly silly loved ones... more like I control him if the truth be told... and then not so there. How about RESPECT and LOVE for one another that makes each of us want to bring the other joy, health, and peace. That lets both of us wake up each morning with a smile on our faces, despite the cancer and sometimes the distance, and lets each of us curl up at night, praying for the others health and safety as we drift off to sleep in peace and contentment.




I guess my question and sorrow is... how could those I love so much go out of their way to hurt me so deeply? Or try to destroy something so absolutely perfect that puts a smile a mile wide on my face. Or why take it from another little one who has no understanding of why? Or hurt a man so deeply when all he wanted to do was be friends and accepted? Who has done nothing but love me, care for me, and protect me.




How do they continue to honor someone who, although loved greatly by me, did so much damage to all of us through lifestyle choices that were made from pain and selfishness?




I keep asking God to help me understand.




So far, all I am getting is silence and emptiness... and the echoes of laugther down lonely canyons that I may never get to hear again... I want my time with two special people back. Please God, let me have it.