I hope that I have taught my children, and others I helped raise, the essence of love. My love for my beloved Doug survives his death almost two decades ago. Just as in the bitter-sweet animated movie “Up”, I too sit in my chair late at night and talk with Doug about my day and my fears. I sit with him on the patio, aching to reach out, hold his hand, and share the quiet of the stars and the chimnea. I always think, at the end of a work day, of how I need to get home to cook, clean, set the table, and prepare a meal for my husband and my family. When I do remember dreams, they are always of him or the children or Jessica. My conversations with my Doug sometimes have centered on a world event, the motions of the stock market, or about the new law that is coming before Congress. (As those who know me well, I have a passion for politics and a strong sense of morality). At other times, I talk to him about our four grandchildren or other family members. It is my way of digesting the things I have heard and serve the purpose of remaining close to my husband. When I walk the desert, even with Tom or Jessica… Doug also walked with me and the first time I saw the Grand Canyon… over 7 years after he left this earth… on of all days his Birthday… I saw it with him. We had always wanted to go there together. But you know what? We did. He goes every where with me.
This “eccentric behavior”, is my mysterious window to the unknown, a way of reaching Doug on a daily basis. We know so little of life, why we are here and what we must do while we are here. The ways of life are mysterious, and I would like to remind each of you now reading this blog that we were ONLY soldiers of the Creator, awaiting our next assignment. Nothing for us is permanent and there is no guarantee of tomorrow. Therefore, I will encourage each of you to take some private time and meditate on why you feel you were born and how you can make your best contribution to the world, on a little or big scale. One is not necessarily better than the other.
Although I have never sought fame of any kind, I know I did strive to be the best person I could be and to give my all to my family and friends. Some may say I failed. I guess God will eventually let me know the truth of all of this. Did I really accomplish anything? I hope so. I know I, personally, tried to live my life generously and show my children that we could always give to others, even when we had very little of our own to give. When Doug and I heard of someone in the neighborhood who needed food, clothing, or a place to stay, or just someone to lean on, we would stretch our very slim budget to help them out as well. The house was almost never empty and the table always full.
I did try to give each of my children the most precious gift a mother has to give - unconditional love and her full attention. While they were growing up, despite what their teenage minds may sometimes have told them, they really were the center of my world. My friends and extended family would sometimes tell me that I invested too much of myself in them and, I don’t know, maybe they are right. For hard as I try to let them go today, with each of them now in their 30s… I ache so very much for each of them and just can’t seem to bond closely with others. I did try to make their childhood wonderful. I taught them crafts, and music, and dance. For the boys I ran cub scouts and 4-H and walked them to Karate, and baseball, and basketball. For my girl, I ran 4-H, sewed costumes, and walked her to ballet and karate… I tried to give elaborate birthday parties, until the money ran out, and even sold my belonging to give the best Christmas’s we could give them. We had an open door policy and their friends were always in and out almost any time of day.
We were not rich, but I always felt we were rich in other ways, with the positive, strong family I thought I had created. Again, I guess God will tell me the truth of my endeavors. Was I any kind of a success, or was I a vapid failure?
I think I will end my walk down memory lane with a message to my children, family, friends, and yes, you too dear reader: I love you as high as the sky, as wide as the world, and as deep as the ocean; and I always will. Forgive me, if I did not do the job I so intended and tried to do… but I did it all with love.
