Shadows of Growth and Miracles: "No turmpets sounds when important decisions are m...

Shadows of Growth and Miracles: "No turmpets sounds when important decisions are m...: I have made a habit over the course of these last many years to spend my New Years Eve and day in quiet reflection. I have learned that the...

"No turmpets sounds when important decisions are made in our life."

I have made a habit over the course of these last many years to spend my New Years Eve and day in quiet reflection. I have learned that there are years that ask questions and there are years that provide answers. 2011 provided me with answers, some I did not care for (most actually) but all opened my eyes to the realities of my life and what I have meant or not meant in the scheme of things. Through these revelations I had truly had an epiphany and am now adding the gratitude of an awakening heart to my nightly ritual of writing down five things I am grateful for.

I realized this morning that I was/am emotionally and physically exhausted from concentrating on things that I wanted to buy for others, for the house or just for me. Things I longed to buy or give, but due to the current economy and my own excessive medical bills, I cannot afford. I felt trapped in a vicious cycle. You see, the more I focused on the lack and on what I could not have (and this includes family as well as material things) the more depressed I became. The more depressed I became the more I focused on the loss and the lack. What my soul was whispering was that what I really yearned for was NOT financial or emotional security but financial and emotional serenity. Today, I was quiet enough to listen to my soul... to that Supreme being trying to show me the open door. What I hunger for is an inner peace that the world can not take away. Therefore, I asked for help and committed to following wheresoever the Universe leads me.

For the first time in my life I discarded my five-year goals I learned to make when I was working towards my Business Administration degree and simply surrender. I want to be a seeker, a pilgrim, and a sojourner.

Deciding to surrender my desire for security and seeking serenity instead, I looked at my life with open/honest eyes. I saw that I had much for which to be grateful. I felt humbled by my riches and regretted that I took for granted the abundance that already existed in my life. How could I or any one else for that matter, expect more from the Universe when I (we) did not appreciate what I already had.

So today, I took inventory of my life's assets: my health is not the best but I am still beating the odds and still here which leaves me open for choice and chance. I have a beautiful daughter and two sons who are making their way in the world, oft times through difficult times and even though we are currently estranged... I love them and am grateful that God allowed me to hold them for a little while. I have a small but comfortable place to live and a great landlord, wonderful neighbors and the laughter of children. I have the memories of 12 years with Jessica and of sharing so many wonderful times with her and I know she has those as well, I have two precious little dogs who daily bring me faithful companionship and joy. I have enough food (most of the time) and cool fresh water. I have a job which allows me to maintain my needs and that is truly all any one needs. And I have been blessed by the love of two wonderful men.. My Doug and Tom. Add to that the blessings of so many wonderful friends who care deeply for me and share in my life as I care about them and share in theirs.

I am still working on this list today and it continues to grow. I have written a new book of poetry which soon will be sent out into the world and hopefully will be well received. Many people have already told me that my writing touches their souls in some way and helps them feel or heal. I truly do believe that what you give to the world will be returned to you -- maybe not all at once or in the way you expect it -- but if I and you give our very very best, the very best must and will come back to us. Now!, not next week, next month, or when things improve, is the time for me to live my beliefs.

Looking at my life's ledger I realize that I am and always will be a very rich woman. What I and so many of us are currently experiencing is merely a cash flow problem, or a misunderstanding that love, patience, and time will heal.. I have come to the realization that my personal net worth cannot be determined by the size of my checking account balance... neither can anyone's

So now, my heart overflows with gratefulness. I am thankful for so many little, precious things. The sweet smell of the Harvest Apple candle burning on my living room table, the memory of the sweet fragrance of Jessicas hair after it was freshly washed and I combed it out for her. My first sip of flavored coffee this morning, the smoked turkey and all the trimmings dinner I made for friends on Christmas Day. I am grateful for being able to hear the words I love you before I went to sleep when my Jessie was here, my children were little, and as I curled up next to Doug as we went to sleep.

Each day offers me moments of pleasure and contentment... it does so for you as well. The important thing is for each of us to notice and appreciate each days gifts.. after all that is why it is called the present.

So today I ask each of you to open the eyes of your eyes and give your life another glance. Are your basic needs met? (mine are). Do you have a home? Food on the table? Clothes to wear? Is there a regular paycheck coming in? Do you have dreams? Can you walk, talk, see the beauty that surrounds you, listen to music that stirs your soul or makes your feet want to dance? Do you have family and friends whom you love and whom you know, deep down love you?

Then pause for a moment with me and with me give thanks. Let your heart awaken to the tranforming power of gratefulness. Be open to exchanigng your need for emotional and financial security for serenity.

Agnes De Mille once wrote "No turmpets sounds when important decisions are made in our life."

"Destiny is made known silently"

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a simple meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for our present and creates dreams for tomorrow.

Sweet dreams my friends.

I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN

http://youtu.be/P7IbQyG9PL4
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61 Years ago  this October 17, the Universe welcomed my soul mate, Douglas James Pike into this world.  I can't help but wonder what he would look like today.  As I watch older couples walk through stores or down a street and see them holding hands... I long for his touch as well and wish we were together again.  Sixteen years later, God took him home... and I am so lost without him.

Wishing you a Happy Birthday my love. Wait for me on Brickyard Road... someday we will celebrate it together again... in style

I little new that morning that God
Was going to call your name
In life I loved you dearly
... ... In death I do the same
It broke my heart to lose you
But you did not go alone
For parts of me went with you
The day God called you Home
You left me wonderful memories
Your love is still my guide
And though I cannot see you
I feel you constantly at my side.
Our sweet family chain is broken
And nothing seems the same
But as God calls us
One by one
The chain will link again.

You will always be with me... 

The inability to open up to hope is what blocks trust, and blocked trust is the reason for blighted dreams.

"I cannot believe that the inscrutable Universe turns on our sufferings; surely the strange beauty of the world must somewhere rest in pure joy" ~ Louise Bogan~

Accepting and blessing our circumstances are powerful tools in the process of true transfiguration. In reality, this potent combination is a spiritual elixir that can work the real miracles in our lives. But what exactly do I see as acceptance? The circumstances the Universe has recently placed me in are showing me that acceptance is actually surrendering to what are my circumstances, my feelings, my problems, my financial status, my work, my health (which continues to deteriorate), my relationships with people, the delay of my dreams and even more difficult the delay of my absolute need to be returned to the individual I once was and was born to be.

Last night, as I prayed for wisdom while gazing at a star filled sky with my sweet little shihtzus sleeping on the patio with me, I realized that before any further change can occur in my life that I have to understand that this is the way it is meant to be right now.For me, this surrender is a journey through the dark night of the soul. It has become the silent scream, the whispered prayer, and the quiet tears. It is chanting over and over and over again "it's all right". It is all right as in "You lead, I will follow". It's all right as in "Everything will turn out right if you just let go and follow because this is, quite simply, such a small part of such a very long journey."

Last night, during that dark night of the soul, there was an epiphany. Suddenly I understand that a great deal of my struggles to remain content despite outside circumstances have actually arisen as I stubbornly resisted what was happening to me in my life at the present moment. True, in many cases that same stubbornness has literally keep me physically alive but spiritually and emotionally it prevented me from true growth in my faith and in the Natural Order of things.

I have learned, albeit slowly, that when I surrender to the reality of the situation - when I don't continue to resist, but truly surrender - a softening in my very soul occurs. Its as if the steam of struggle has been allowed to escape from life's immense pressure cooker. Last night, looking at scrapbooks of me and my granddaughter under a star filled sky we shared so many times, I humbly accepted my circumstances and my true position. and I relaxed.

Last night, I reclaimed my center and finally feel the electrical vibrations alter, the rate of my heartbeat dropping down, and my fear dissipating... i am not at the helm any longer; I never was. Finally, I can once again tap into the boundless positive energy of a Universe NOT hell bent on destruction but on rebirth and creation. Surrender illuminates reality and lights the way to the next step where the Universe is waiting to lead me further.

"Our task is to say a holy YES to the real things of our life as they exist"~ Natalie Goldberg" So yes, this is my battered, bruised, torn apart body that will be rebuilt and made even better so that I may be of greater and longer service... and to give love with for a longer lifetime. This happy space of my granddaughter's is now my the recovery room of my heart, taking me back to a time I never really knew - surrounded by dolls, princesses, fairies, and stuffed animals... all helping to reclaim the little girl in a too soon woman's body. This is where I am to learn special lessons so i can be better ... Where I walk with her in memories of snow, petrified forests, Indian Ruins, horseback rides, swimming pools, and cloud gazing.

I now understand, almost intuitively, that I am now past the Maidens Nubile beauty and the Mother's nourishing breasts have been stripped away from me; never to return. The recent thyroid cancer surgery, skin cancers, liver biopsies and my most recent surgery are turning a once pretty body into a road map of scars. But I know they are battle wounds. I will not regret them further.

I am now entering a new stage... even more vibrant, sensual, beckoning...I am entering that long awaited period of stark individuality - what pagans call the Crone (no do not confuse this with physical age or deterioration of body or spirit) -and in many ways, I feel like a baby; alive and filled with wonder. Taking a stronger hand and walking the path with God. A second birth with the knowledge of my talents, skills, true purpose and, most of all, the limits by which my life will now be lived. I understand. I accept. I surrender.

There are two new books to complete writing (both with waiting publisher). A new Real Estate Business to try to build as I sign on with a new broker. A better place of employment to be found that will be more fulfilling and challenging intellectually. I may not be able to hike or travel much right now, but I believe there will be again. And I know that, if the Universe grants me enough time, there will be laughter to share once more with a special granddaughter (our bond was always strong and love filled)... and maybe even with her mother and uncles and cousins once again.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

Blessed be.

A BUDDING FLOWER

A BUDDING FLOWER
(For Jessica as she turns 13)

"Child of Moonbeams and starlight" ...
Is how I have described you to others,
My dearest Jessica.

But,
You are now no longer a child,
Nor are you fully grown
(As if any of us is).

How to now regard you,
My granddaughter of thirteen years?

With love, of course.
And gratefulness that
The God and Goddess of the Universe
Blessed my life with your presence.

And with awe,
In observing the inner beauty
That your physical presence reflects.

Not "fully grown ..."
Yet a full, whole person
With dignity, strong intellect
And passions for nature, learning
and laughter

I have observed from life that
All is experience and growth.

You are surely poised, now,
To experience life to the fullest,
And to grow into the great and wonderful woman
Of which you are now the budding flower.

Happy Birthday to the greatest anniversary present your grandpapa and I ever received. Though we may be kept apart for reasons neither of us fully comprehend... you are with me constantly in heart, mind, and soul. I sent you a birthday card and hope you received it. Put 13 dollars inside.. one for each precious year.

Until I see you once again... know Mom-mom loves you always.

The Music Of His Soul

When they were quite small...we presented all of the children with musical instruments... a guitar to our oldest, a drum set to our middle child, and a piano to our youngest on Christmas morning. During the day, we watched in amazement as the children chose "different instruments" then those Santa had given them. The oldest gravitated to the piano and seemed to have a natural inclination to playing it. Our youngest, our only girl, gravitated to the drums and also seemed to be a natural. But what amazed us most is that our middle child, who gravitated to the guitar... excelled. Years later, when he was around 16, he was voted as the second best guitar player in the state of AZ. I hear him always in my mind... playing and singing songs he wrote himself... the music of his soul.

This poem, dedicated to our middle child, will also be found in the new book I am writing... Dancing With the Spirit of Shadowplay

THE MUSIC OF HIS SOUL

My son’s fingers are like a ballerina in dance
The calluses upon his fingers
Similar to the feet of the dancer
His mother used to be
Strumming the string’s
upon his instrument;
his life.
The music is his soul
His mind is captive
The solitude plays in his head
Profound the words
He writes
He becomes the music
which he gives life to
And so the instrument
and the man
become fixated in my mind
It’s a marriage of two
Which become one
His music will forever play on
In my heart and soul.

Wonderment

My current battle with cancer has slowed me down more than I had thought possible (and much more then I am willing to tolerate.) I will be returning for more surgery, tentatively on August 12) if they can get my blood chemistry leveled up correctly; which will probably also help with the extreme fatigue).

However, this enforced quiet time has allowed me more time for memories and writing. Below will be one of the newer excerpts from my upcoming book Dancing With the Spirits of Shadowplay (my last volume of poetry written by a playful shadow). This poem was inspired by a bitter sweet memory of my oldest son when he was five years old and did not return from school in a timely manner. Frightening at the time, we found him (teachers, Novato Police and me searching for him for almost an hour) in a river about 1/4 mile away which was then raging due to the spring storms. With relief co-mingled with fear, I saw him standing in the middle of this river... his blue raincoat around him and the water raging around his knees. At that time, the mother in me (with the police following us), brought him up and chased him home for breaking the rules...)
Later, peaking in at him and his brother, safely asleep in their bunk beds, I remembered how amazing I thought his joy of life and his curiosity was... this is the poem of that wonderment.

WONDERMENT
(For My Son, Doug)

Terrified, I
found him in the rushing creek,
watched him float twigs
down the tiny falls,
across the narrow brook
that led to the raging river.

Always curious and somewhat defiant
He was the teacher of all things wonderful--
smooth stones,
soft mud,
caterpillars,
cold feet in shallow streams.

Through his eyes, I learned how to wonder again
as butterflies, orange and black,
Monarchs of their world
flitted across the path
and songbirds praised the violet sky.

The world welcomed a new spring day.
With tears of gratitude
And I grew young
along the creek,
in that fading evening light,
through the eyes of a boy just turned five.
And the veiled curtain of
Nature's rain....
 

Stay Warm My Children... stay loved.

Exactly one year ago today.. was the last time I saw you...

No child should be lost,
And no child of mine;
Anger railed at
Life's cold shoulder.

Stay warm, my children.
Stay safe.
Stay, loved.

I carried you,
With your brothers,
All at once;
Keeping you tucked inside me,
Sheer gravity trying to steal you
Too soon.
I willed you all to stay
So you could grow
And be well.

Be warm, my children.
Be safe.
Be loved.

Mommies try too hard sometimes.
Daddies turn their backs
Without ever really turning away.
You don't understand,
And if I did, I surely would tell.
I do rail with you,
But my growing age
Makes me ride the waves
While you try to run on water,
And oft times sink.

Draw nigh and be warm, my children.
Draw nigh and be safe.
Draw nigh and be loved.

You need a hand,
But mine is soft
And full of years.
You need something
I can't seem to find.
My eyes are burning;
Still, I won;t let you drown.
Just hold tight.
There is strength waiting for you,
I am always waiting, just ahead!

Choose warmth, my children.
Choose safety.
Choose love.

And the years will pass
Like leaves in the current.
Step there,
My love is a rock;
And will lodge under your feet
For all days.

Update on health and future.

Finally home, again (hopefully for good this time as I have been going back and forth to the Mayo hospital, surgeons and GP these past two weeks ). This battle has been a rough go... very rough go.

Cancer was found in throat and thyroid. Parathyroids were involved so they are gone too.. :( Radio isotope swallowed, new drug therapy in addition to thyroid drugs to combat cancer has just begun. Seizures and nerve damage due to severe calcium deficiency as they had to take parathyroids too. I am now being assigned to an endocrinologist at the Scottsdale Mayo clinic to assess the metabolic problems, as well as to determine what actions have to be taken in reference to the cancer that has metastised. I am more weak then I have ever been and emotionally and spiritually drained. Bacl to work Monday as I will be out of money. More surgery in the future, around August 14 is the tentative date for this one. and lots of dr appointments. For now, I won another battle. Thank you for prayers and support. God bless..

A VERY special thank you to the following: James Bosworth, Laverne Basham, Betty Adams, Alex Chavez Squires, Kris Wagner, Sarah Ashton, Alex Ashton who have aided me in transportation, dog care, and just supporting me through difficult times, and to my supervisors at ACS. Kudos to my surgeons and the staff at the Phoenix Mayo Hospital... you did great work and I know i am in good hands.

Time Is Mine To Discover for a little while longer

Photo was taken just before surgery. I love how the doctor marked the word YES on my throat... YES... !


This last surgery has probably been the toughest of all and the healing for this one will be longer and much slower then I like (or even want to allow). The thyroid is totally gone and with it the parathyroid's BUT I still have my voice... somewhat softer still but less gravely which will allow me to return to poetry readings sometime in the not too distant future. Another biopsy was performed... this one on the lung and blood chemistry shows nothing is functioning as it should. More surgery is in my not too distant future and I have many meetings with old and new doctors. But, I have time, good friends, laughter, and love. I have life.

During this lengthy healing process I have been able to become a little more introspective, unearthing remnants of memories buried deeply within the fertile soil of the subconscious mind. In some ways, this war I wage with cancer has been helping this 55 year old to excavate her real self.

Christina Baldwin (author of one of my favorite books Life's Companion: Journal Writing as a Spiritual Practice) said "How we remember and what we remember and why we remember form the most personal map of our individuality. I concur with her belief in this area and I think it explains why some people cling to immaturity, anger, resentment or fear... they stop their own introspection far too soon. So, with the help of good friends, some great doctors, and my own faith, I am going to continue this spiritual dig that I know will eventually lead me to discover the Mystery of where my soul abides.

Whether you realize it or not, each of us has lived many lives. and each one has left an indelible mark on our souls. No, dear reader, I am not talking about the metaphysical such as reincarnation. I am referring to the episodic and sometimes cyclical ways in which our lives evolve: childhood, adolescence, university, career, marriage, motherhood, retirement, widowhood, and onward. At each and every stage in our lives we have experienced both laughter and tears. However, even more important for the interests of this topic, we develop personal preferences. Each live experience and how we CHOOSE to view or interpret it, leaves a layer of memory like a deposit of rich sediment: things we have loved and moments of contentment we have cherished that when recalled reveal glimmers of our true selves.

I have known many who are hesitant to recall their past because they are afraid they will dredge up painful memories or have to face some sad realities they would so much prefer not to own. But I believe that just like each new battle with cancer has brought a gift for me if I am but willing to look for it, so too will each painful memory come also bearing a peace offering. In truth, there is nothing to fear for the past only asks to be remembered.

Today and for the days that God lets me have, I expect many things as I sit around the campfire of my heart and you will around yours and if you invite me, I will gladly share with you. Remember, dear reader, that someone is always listening. Someone is always talking to you and encouraging you to take that next step as you embrace the Mystery of your soul.. as I embrace the mystery of mine.

Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wonder filled ways for the dry seasons of life are never permanent.

Blessed be.

NATURES SHADOW.

In the shadows of
this foreboding storm,
thundering, echoing
lighting darkened sky
I ponder the truth of a chrysalis- beyond an enchanted dream
Suddenly my life is wonder filled for a transforming arty scheme
A "Free bird" amidst a rainbow canvas,
a work divine
Intoxicating breath of heaven, on sweet well water wine

Delicately woven intricacy
of nature’s luminous parfait
Even as the wonder of a waning summer
brings an elegant bouquet
It’s easy to dance with "Heavenly Wings"
Letting-go of the old for new 'exciting' things

Caught-up in the moment,
the beauty of Nature's word is true
The “Goddess of second chances” creates all things new
Now, like the butterfly, the old is left for dead
Enraptured by living scenes of beauty and wise words said

Liberated to limitless heights, free to soar and roam
With every negative there is a positive; now I rest at home
Humankind , symbolic of a butterfly, "here today and gone tomorrow"
We need truth and thankful days ,
while surrendering ourselves
to the Natural ways....

Bonnie Pike; from Shadows of Love 2/2011