It is the time of need... and bitter blue...

My wonderful husband died when I was 42 years old (He was one month shy of turning 45). Being widowed this young happens to less than 3% of married people.  Sixteen years is a long time and yet there are days when the loss of him rips through me just as sharply as it did that morning.

Dearest Doug,

On September 2, 1998, God took you from me; such a long time ago. It feels different today than it did 17 years ago. I'm not sure how I feel about the distance that has grown between us -- the distance of years, and time, and experience -- my years of living while you have been dead. I only know the feeling of this dark empty void in my soul -- that no one else can fill.

I used to spend so much time wishing you were still living on this earth, still my husband, still a father for our three children, still here to share a certain life we had made together. I wished that what had happened to you and to us had not happened. I was really very afraid. More than I think you understood at the time, but now probably realize as you look down on all of us here.

I am still afraid sometimes, as I am sure you know, but not nearly as much. I also know that I can't live in a wishful state, wishing for something that will never be. I've worked from the very beginning on acceptance. Acceptance has been my mantra so that I could go on living without you. It has not been easy and at times I still spiral down into the depression of your loss and missing you so greatly.

You feel so far away from me. I've had to make too many decisions without you. I've had to go it alone even though you were once my most trusted, most loved partner and friend. I've had to go it alone.

Sometimes I feel sorry for people who are lost and asleep, who don't realize that they need to live without imagining that there is a better, different, more interesting place to be than right here and right now.

Sometimes I am afraid that I can't keep you alive enough Doug. Whatever I can do, it's not enough. You deserve so much more but you got exactly what you didn't deserve. You got to die.

I'm lying. I do wish you were still here. But there is nowhere to go with that wish. Nowhere to go. It's like wishing for my own immortality and believe me I do NOT want immortality.  I look forward to the day when I finally get to be with you again. I look forward to walking down Brickyard Road with you... hand in hand.

I'm sorry that you aren't with me or your children or your grandchildren anymore. I'm sorry that your story had to be a such a tragic one. I'm glad we chose one another from the moment we met. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for giving me your dreams and your pain and for making three amazing children with me.

We didn't finish our story with a satisfactory ending; far from it!  I hated the ending of our story and some of the middle; but the beginning was wonderful.

I will be with you again, one day soon, my beloved.  Until then, I keep trying to do the very best I know how and to fight to stay alive for you.  When I walk the mountains, the desert, or by a running river or stream, you walk with me. 

You will always walk with me. Wait for me, on Brick yard Road.

For those who wear your shadow's face
we ran along the ocean’s edge
to leave behind those latent tales
of Christmases that tried and failed
to catch a glimpse of those remaining shots,
such pain and thievery

we tried, I know we did
and for a bleak pause at sudden recovery,
the moment stopped
we were done
in one broad flash,
worthy of cinematography
full scale
grandiose,
complete with trumpets and a splash of glee

not to last
not meant to be,
and now I travel light
memories weigh not so much,
though I venture near
the time of need and bitter blue

IT DOES NOT SEEM THAT LONG AGO
YOU AND ME WALKING DOWN THAT ROAD
WE SAW THAT GRAY 55 CHEVY SITTING IN THEIR FRONT YARD
AND VALLERY AND JAMES THEY CAME ALONG
THOSE WERE OUR BEST DAYS
BUT THEY ARE GONE

AND IT HAS BEEN
16 YEARS SINCE YOU WENT DOWN
GOD I LOST MY BEST FRIEND NOW
BUT I CAN STILL SEE YOU SITTING ON
THAT OLD DOCK

NOW I KNOW I CANT BRING BACK
OUR YESTERDAYS
BUT LORD CAN'T YOU HELP ME FIND MY WAY

BACK TO BRICKYARD ROAD
I WILL WALK ON DOWN
BACK ON BRICKYARD ROAD
DOUG YOU ARE WITH ME NOW

I SWEAR I SAW OLD FREE BIRD FLY
NOW YOU RIDE THE WINDS OF A
SOUTHWESTERN SKY
AND WHEN I HEAR A TRAIN WHISTLE BLOW
WELL IT CARRIES ME BACK
I WALK ON BRICKYARD ROAD

NOW LOVER DO YOU
REALIZE JUST WHAT YOU DONE?
YOU JUST THE HEARTS BOY
OF EVERYONE
AND THOUGH YOU DIED TO YOUNG
WELL YOUR SOUL IT LIVES ON

AND I KNOW I CAN'T BRING BACK
OUR YESTERDAY
BUT WE WILL BE BACK TOGETHER
AND ON THAT DAY

WE WILL WALK ON BRICK YARD ROAD
OH WALK ON DOWN
WE WILL WALK ON BRICKYARD ROAD
YOU ARE WITH ME NOW

I SWEAR I SAW OLD FREE BIRD FLY
NOW YOU RIDE THE WINDS OF A
SOUTHWESTERN SKY
AND WHEN I HEAR A TRAIN WHISTLE BLOW
WELL IT CARRIES ME BACK
I AM ON BRICKYARD ROAD

NOW DOUGLAS AND JAMES
THEY WILL MAKE IT ALL RIGHT
MARY SHE IS NOT WITH ME ANY MORE AT NIGHT
JESSIE'S ALL GROWN UP
SHE IS SUCH A PRETTY GIRL

BUT NOTHINGS BEEN THE SAME
SINCE YOU LEFT MY WORLD

AND I WANT TO GO BACK
TO BRICKYARD ROAD

DEAR GOD, PLEASE
LET ME GO HOME
TAKE ME TO BRICKYARD ROAD....