It is the time of need... and bitter blue...

My wonderful husband died when I was 42 years old (He was one month shy of turning 45). Being widowed this young happens to less than 3% of married people.  Sixteen years is a long time and yet there are days when the loss of him rips through me just as sharply as it did that morning.

Dearest Doug,

On September 2, 1998, God took you from me; such a long time ago. It feels different today than it did 17 years ago. I'm not sure how I feel about the distance that has grown between us -- the distance of years, and time, and experience -- my years of living while you have been dead. I only know the feeling of this dark empty void in my soul -- that no one else can fill.

I used to spend so much time wishing you were still living on this earth, still my husband, still a father for our three children, still here to share a certain life we had made together. I wished that what had happened to you and to us had not happened. I was really very afraid. More than I think you understood at the time, but now probably realize as you look down on all of us here.

I am still afraid sometimes, as I am sure you know, but not nearly as much. I also know that I can't live in a wishful state, wishing for something that will never be. I've worked from the very beginning on acceptance. Acceptance has been my mantra so that I could go on living without you. It has not been easy and at times I still spiral down into the depression of your loss and missing you so greatly.

You feel so far away from me. I've had to make too many decisions without you. I've had to go it alone even though you were once my most trusted, most loved partner and friend. I've had to go it alone.

Sometimes I feel sorry for people who are lost and asleep, who don't realize that they need to live without imagining that there is a better, different, more interesting place to be than right here and right now.

Sometimes I am afraid that I can't keep you alive enough Doug. Whatever I can do, it's not enough. You deserve so much more but you got exactly what you didn't deserve. You got to die.

I'm lying. I do wish you were still here. But there is nowhere to go with that wish. Nowhere to go. It's like wishing for my own immortality and believe me I do NOT want immortality.  I look forward to the day when I finally get to be with you again. I look forward to walking down Brickyard Road with you... hand in hand.

I'm sorry that you aren't with me or your children or your grandchildren anymore. I'm sorry that your story had to be a such a tragic one. I'm glad we chose one another from the moment we met. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for giving me your dreams and your pain and for making three amazing children with me.

We didn't finish our story with a satisfactory ending; far from it!  I hated the ending of our story and some of the middle; but the beginning was wonderful.

I will be with you again, one day soon, my beloved.  Until then, I keep trying to do the very best I know how and to fight to stay alive for you.  When I walk the mountains, the desert, or by a running river or stream, you walk with me. 

You will always walk with me. Wait for me, on Brick yard Road.

For those who wear your shadow's face
we ran along the ocean’s edge
to leave behind those latent tales
of Christmases that tried and failed
to catch a glimpse of those remaining shots,
such pain and thievery

we tried, I know we did
and for a bleak pause at sudden recovery,
the moment stopped
we were done
in one broad flash,
worthy of cinematography
full scale
grandiose,
complete with trumpets and a splash of glee

not to last
not meant to be,
and now I travel light
memories weigh not so much,
though I venture near
the time of need and bitter blue

IT DOES NOT SEEM THAT LONG AGO
YOU AND ME WALKING DOWN THAT ROAD
WE SAW THAT GRAY 55 CHEVY SITTING IN THEIR FRONT YARD
AND VALLERY AND JAMES THEY CAME ALONG
THOSE WERE OUR BEST DAYS
BUT THEY ARE GONE

AND IT HAS BEEN
16 YEARS SINCE YOU WENT DOWN
GOD I LOST MY BEST FRIEND NOW
BUT I CAN STILL SEE YOU SITTING ON
THAT OLD DOCK

NOW I KNOW I CANT BRING BACK
OUR YESTERDAYS
BUT LORD CAN'T YOU HELP ME FIND MY WAY

BACK TO BRICKYARD ROAD
I WILL WALK ON DOWN
BACK ON BRICKYARD ROAD
DOUG YOU ARE WITH ME NOW

I SWEAR I SAW OLD FREE BIRD FLY
NOW YOU RIDE THE WINDS OF A
SOUTHWESTERN SKY
AND WHEN I HEAR A TRAIN WHISTLE BLOW
WELL IT CARRIES ME BACK
I WALK ON BRICKYARD ROAD

NOW LOVER DO YOU
REALIZE JUST WHAT YOU DONE?
YOU JUST THE HEARTS BOY
OF EVERYONE
AND THOUGH YOU DIED TO YOUNG
WELL YOUR SOUL IT LIVES ON

AND I KNOW I CAN'T BRING BACK
OUR YESTERDAY
BUT WE WILL BE BACK TOGETHER
AND ON THAT DAY

WE WILL WALK ON BRICK YARD ROAD
OH WALK ON DOWN
WE WILL WALK ON BRICKYARD ROAD
YOU ARE WITH ME NOW

I SWEAR I SAW OLD FREE BIRD FLY
NOW YOU RIDE THE WINDS OF A
SOUTHWESTERN SKY
AND WHEN I HEAR A TRAIN WHISTLE BLOW
WELL IT CARRIES ME BACK
I AM ON BRICKYARD ROAD

NOW DOUGLAS AND JAMES
THEY WILL MAKE IT ALL RIGHT
MARY SHE IS NOT WITH ME ANY MORE AT NIGHT
JESSIE'S ALL GROWN UP
SHE IS SUCH A PRETTY GIRL

BUT NOTHINGS BEEN THE SAME
SINCE YOU LEFT MY WORLD

AND I WANT TO GO BACK
TO BRICKYARD ROAD

DEAR GOD, PLEASE
LET ME GO HOME
TAKE ME TO BRICKYARD ROAD....

One of the most painful things that a family can go through other than losing a child to death, is for that child to become an adult and then disown and estrange themselves from their parents. They may do this to one parent or both parents. Regardless of whether it is both parents or just one, the results for the estranged parent (parents) is a devastation that is so severe, it affects almost every facet of their lives. Quite often the estranged child does everything in his or her power to ensure that other siblings (if present) also act out in the same manner.

There appears to be an "hidden epidemic" of this phenomena going on today in America and I daresay it is world wide. While it does affect the parent who is estranged no matter what their sex, there is evidence that it is happening to mothers more than fathers. Perhaps this is due to the fact that mothers are the "nurturers" and are usually the primary caretakers of their children during their growing up years. And in the case of domestic violence, drug addiction or emotional abuse, they may also be the "victims" of their abusive husbands at the same time they are trying to raise their children. So for a mother to be nurturing and protecting of her children while she is living in fear and in an explosive environment, is a tall order for any woman to meet. But most of them try anyway.

There are as many reasons why estranged adult children cut off their parents as there are grains of sand in the ocean. The list is endless, some of it is justified and most of it is not. Here are some of the most common reasons that adult children state to justify their actions.

1). The parents divorced and they side with one parent over the other, or they are upset with both parents.

2.) They do not approve of their parents new spouse and are jealous of that spouse and feel abandoned by the parent.

3.) They are used to the parent paying for everything that they want, and when the parent decided that they are grown up now and should pay their own way, they  get furious and disown the parent.

4.)  They have moved away and met new friends who are very disrespectful to their parents as well, and who convince them that "family is not important" and that their "new family is their friends."

5.)  They have met someone who they marry or live with , who does not like their parents and who influences them to cut off their parents from their lives. These types of spouses are usually very controlling, insecure, and jealous of anyone that takes their partners attention off of them. They issue ultimatums that are "either them or me" types of threats.

6.)  Sometimes they are ashamed of the parent/parents because they have married into a  more lucrative family and lifestyle than they grew up in. And materialistic concerns and status are more important to them then being supportive of their parents no matter what their economic status. Figuratively speaking, their values have changed for the worse.

7.)  Some parents have done such a good job of raising their children that they did too much and these adult children have now become narcissists who care only about themselves and who have become cruel and heartless towards the very people that got them where they are today. They have turned into "people we don't know"  or "people we love, but don't like anymore." In fact, many estranged parents feel like their adult children are complete strangers when they used to be very close to them and their "best friend."

Justified reasons why adult children cut off their parents.

8.) Interfering relatives, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, mothers, fathers, cousins, etc. who actively slander the estranged parent to their adult children because they have issues with them themselves and see this as a form of revenge, and who actively try to be the surrogate best friend, mother, father, etc. of the adult children. Which means the dysfunction in this family was well in place before the adult children were even born.

9.) The adult children have become involved with a religious cult, or friends who tell them they do not need their families and that the cult/friend is their family.

Or the reverse. They have become involved with atheists who actively recruit them to give up their faith in God and thus their ties with their believing, more conservative parents.

Also, they have become so involved with a super conservative church that they think their parents are not Christians and are going to hell.

10.) They have taken something that you said or did, and misinterpreted what you meant or did, and will not listen to any explanation that you have which would clear up their misinterpretation. They will not talk to you, forgive you, or allow for any latitude to mend things. You find yourself between a rock and a hard place.

There are endless reasons, or a combination of reasons for the estrangement, but the bottom line is the estranged parent is shocked, numb, sad, angry, disappointed, dismayed, cannot believe that this has happened to them, depressed to the point of not being able to function, and even suicidal. It feels like your child has died. But you know they are alive and just not available to you anymore. Many times your estranged child will prevent you from seeing of having any contact with your grandchild, so not only are you an estranged parent, you have also become an "estranged grandparent."

How do adult children estrange their parents from their lives?

Estrangement can be a gradual "falling away" that takes place over weeks, months, and sometimes years, or it can be "sudden" and takes you by surprise. It may be "on again off again" and you feel like you are walking on egg shells, not knowing when the next hurtful comment is made, the next abusive email or phone call comes, or the next "slam the door in your face" happens.

They stop emailing you, or answering your emails, they don't call you or accept your phone calls, they block you on Facebook, or block or change their phone numbers, they threaten you with a restraining order if you come near them or their house, they refuse to let you see the grandchildren, they don't invite you to their wedding, their baby shower, their college graduation; pretty much every single "once in a life time event" in their lives you are excluded from.

You are not welcome at births, weddings, funerals, grandkids birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc. You are not called on your birthday, or Mother's Day, or on holidays. You have to rely on other people to tell you what your child is doing or even what they look like anymore. Is it any wonder that estranged parents are depressed, confused, and feel hopeless and lost?

Other Questions you may have:

1.) Should I keep trying to contact my adult child or should I wait it out?

2.) What does God think about this ?

3.) How do I handle feeling guilty? Even when I have done nothing wrong?

4.) What resources are out there to help me get through the day?

5.) Should I just show up on their door step or place of work and  confront them?

Estrangement from your adult children is one of the most painful experiences that a parent can go through and it helps to have someone to talk to about it.

If you are at a stage of despair right now and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, please do not hesitate to contact a counselor or your religious advisor.  Know that you are NOT alone.

God bless.

Happy 17th Birthday "J"

My Dearest Granddaughter

As you turn seventeen today, I know the Universe has special plans for you and I look forward to seeing how they will unfold. Remember to keep focused on the positive and good things in life and remember what is truly Important.

Sadly I have not been allowed to be around to dispense my grandmotherly advice for several years now, so I jotted down a few thoughts that might be worth remembering one day; even after I am gone. There is nothing new here. You have heard it all before. But maybe it will be helpful to have this collection of aphorisms all in one place. Happy seventeenth birthday my shining star!

Improve your vocabulary. Don't be afraid to learn new words, like "aphorism." Share your skittles. Bathe daily. Wash your hair at least 3 times a week. Brush your teeth after every meal. Floss. Respect your elders. Be kind to those less fortunate than you. Turn off lights. It's good practice for the time that is coming when you will pay your own bills. Use sunscreen(cancer runs high in our family). Write letters – real letters and not just emails or instant messages. Don't forget to send thank-you notes.
Be a good friend. If you have a good friend, consider yourself rich. Don't love money. Don't love things and use people to get them like so many I have known do. Love people and use things to show them. Study hard. Take vacations. Laugh. Marry someone who will help you do so.Read something positive daily. Meditate on truth. Memorize it. Pray. Keep a journal. Say “I’m sorry” when you have done a wrong. Believe in forgiveness. Forgive. Think of something good EVERY Day. Remember heaven does exist.

Take risks, but only for the right reaons. Live dangerously while using common sense. Hope big; always be willing to take that leap of faith. Never compromise convictions. Never demand that others accept your mere opinions. Be sure what you believe. Be respectful toward authority. Evaluate what you are taught in the light of what is right and wrong. Remember to first do no harm.

Never underestimate the value of faith. Organize your life around its life. Help other people. Let other people help you. Listen more than you talk.Don't underestimate the power of encouragement. It is easy to give and it goes a long way. Give away money. Not necessarily all of it but enough of it to remind yourself of how unimportant it is. Make eternal investments and by that I mean to invest in your own soul.

Never jump out of a tree unless you know where you are going to land but don’t be afraid to climb that tree. 
Do not doubt in the dark when those who love you taught you in the light. Sing. Dance; especially with your children.

Read good books, the kind that will make you a better person. Make them your friends. Especially read biographies. Teach your children to love reading.

Finally, impress on your children early in their lives the importance of visiting their grandparents regularly!  Grandparents need their grandchildren as much as their grandchildren need them, believe me… I know

But in the eyes of your biggest fan (your Mom-mom), you are still a little girl!

Happy Birthday Jessica Marie.... I love you more then you will ever know... I hope you remember all of the wonderful things we did together... the places we went and the things we saw.  Those memories will live on and on... no matter what.  I love you