FAILURE OR SUCCESS?   GOD WILL JUDGE BUT I KNOW I TRIED

Have any of you ever asked the question; Why me? I think, if we are all honest with ourselves, we will admit that we have, at least once in our lives, raised our eyes heaven word and said similar words; “Why me?” A few years ago, when my daughter and I were so very close, she once said out loud that question I had never asked, when we learned I was facing breast cancer for the second time… “why you, Mom?”

 On that particular day, I turned to my daughter and asked her “why not me?” I have always held this believe that those who are ill, or suffer deformities, or are set with non- stop challenges in life were handpicked by God to have this painful illness, condition or circumstance. Some people would tell me I am wrong or insane. But, what If I told you that your pain might take away someone else's pain in the world?" What if your pain (my pain) could actually be used for a good and noble purpose. Can you, my dear reader, let yourself believe such a thing is possible? The truth is, we know nothing about life. It is, and always will be, a mystery. Anything is possible.

As I was faced with somewhat negative news yesterday from my oncologist, I had to fall back on this deep belief of mine to not ask “Why me?” because, boy do I sure want to.  The very idea that pain could have a positive result in the world, that it was not at all useless, and that I might be able to take away someone else's pain, however, inspired me deeply and completely reframed my relationship to my illness again. It it also one of the reasons I have returned to a long held decision to have my body donated to science when I die. I want the chance to help that other person.

Where would this person be? Could it be a little girl in China? Could it be that young mother who has been given the task of raising a child with down’s syndrome, cerebral palsy, or autism? Could it be that older woman, now living alone and fearing the specter of death who is always our constant companion?  The truth is, it does not matter who the person would be, because eventually, in some way, the whole world will benefit. This has been an epiphany I will embrace forever; how about you?

Please do not consider me some kind of saint as it truly has taken me years to fully understand the scope of the idea I have just suggested you and in many areas I am still filled with doubt and fear. However, I feel could never write in the compassionate, sometimes intense way that some say I do, had I not suffered myself during most of my life. My books, although not best sellers (poetry rarely is) have sold decently and have been translated into German and French and can be ordered from book stores around the world.

As a mother I endeavored to teach my children not only reading (the classics of course), science, math, and history; but also philosophy and religion. Mostly I tried to teach them how to communicate clearly and well as I was concerned not only about saying the wrong thing, but also about saying the right thing the wrong way - and hence, leaving the wrong impression; which to me is just as bad. I have not always succeeded in this endeavor but I most certainly have tried, so very hard.

I also hope that I have taught my children, and others I helped raise, the essence of love. My love for my beloved Doug survives his death almost two decades ago. Just as in the bitter-sweet animated movie “Up”, I too sit in my chair late at night and talk with Doug about my day and my fears. I sit with him on the patio, aching to reach out, hold his hand, and share the quiet of the stars and the chimnea. I always think, at the end of a work day, of how I need to get home to cook, clean, set the table, and prepare a meal for my husband and my family. When I do remember dreams, they are always of him or the children or Jessica. My conversations with my Doug sometimes have centered on a world event, the motions of the stock market, or about the new law that is coming before Congress. (As those who know me well, I have a passion for politics and a strong sense of morality). At other times, I talk to him about  our four grandchildren or other family members. It is my way of digesting the things I have heard and serve the purpose of remaining close to my husband. When I walk the desert, even with Tom or Jessica… Doug also walked with me and the first time I saw the Grand Canyon… over 7 years after he left this earth… on of all days his Birthday… I saw it with him. We had always wanted to go there together. But you know what? We did. He goes every where with me.

  This “eccentric behavior”, is my mysterious window to the unknown, a way of reaching Doug on a daily basis. We know so little of life, why we are here and what we must do while we are here. The ways of life are mysterious, and I would like to remind each of you now reading this blog that we were ONLY soldiers of the Creator, awaiting our next assignment. Nothing for us is permanent and there is no guarantee of tomorrow. Therefore, I will encourage each of you to take some private time and meditate on why you feel you were born and how you can make your best contribution to the world, on a little or big scale. One is not necessarily better than the other.

Although I have never sought fame of any kind, I know I did strive to be the best person I could be and to give my all to my family and friends. Some may say I failed. I guess God will eventually let me know the truth of all of this. Did I really accomplish anything? I hope so. I know I, personally, tried to live my life generously and show my children that we could always give to others, even when we had very little of our own to give. When Doug and I heard of someone in the neighborhood who needed food, clothing, or a place to stay, or just someone to lean on, we would stretch our very slim budget to help them out as well. The house was almost never empty and the table always full.

I did try to give each of my children the most precious gift a mother has to give - unconditional love and her full attention. While they were growing up, despite what their teenage minds may sometimes have told them, they really were the center of my world. My friends and extended family would sometimes tell me that I invested too much of myself in them and, I don’t know, maybe they are right. For hard as I try to let them go today, with each of them now in their 30s… I ache so very much for each of them and just can’t seem to bond closely with others. I did try to make their childhood wonderful. I taught them crafts, and music, and dance. For the boys I ran cub scouts and 4-H and walked them to Karate, and baseball, and basketball. For my girl, I ran 4-H, sewed costumes, and walked her to ballet and karate… I tried to give elaborate birthday parties, until the money ran out, and even sold my belonging to give the best Christmas’s we could give them. We had an open door policy and their friends were always in and out almost any time of day.

We were not rich, but I always felt we were rich in other ways, with the positive, strong family I thought I had created. Again, I guess God will tell me the truth of my endeavors. Was I any kind of a success, or was I a vapid failure?

I think I will end my walk down memory lane with a message to my children, family, friends, and yes, you too dear reader: I love you as high as the sky, as wide as the world, and as deep as the ocean; and I always will. Forgive me, if I did not do the job I so intended and tried to do… but I did it all with love.