A gone bye era,,, where did the magic go?

This Halloween will be a sad and lonely night... primarily due to the fact that I am kept from that one piece of sunshine whom I have spent the last 12 Halloweens with... helping her with make up and then last year I even got to go trick or treating with her.  It was still magical. 

Then too, it appears from my past six years here that not many children came out in this neighborhood, they were already diminishing in my Pensacola neighborhood the year I said goodbye,  but I have grown despondently used to the lack of their presence and laughter in our society.  It is so sad because I can recall in years gone by the happiness and joy of children on this special night... now there is so much darkness, distrust and fear.   I remember small town Halloween parties, barn parties, street parties... receiving homemade popcorn balls and caramel apples and hot spiced cider.  I remember bobbing for apples, playing the lifesaver game with a toothpick and hoping it would drop at just the right moment for a quick touch of lips with that special boy, hayrides and cuddling and a bonfire with the smell of fall leaves all around.  I remember. 

I remember the parties I gave my three children.  A lot of work but oh the fun.  We made the paper a couple of times with our decorations and the adults would line our home stairwell just to partake in the festivities and the ghouls dinner that always closed the night.   We lived on the Navy base and people came in just to visit with us that night...  I had hoped to  do this type of party one last time for all of my grandchildren... just one more time to let them see what this special night was truly meant to be.  That too is something now that can never be.

So tonight, around 8:30 p.m.,  I shall step outside on the patio under the stars... prepare a small fire... light my candles and incense and perform my yearly rituals.  I shall send a letter to that special one who is on another plane now, whose loss in my soul has not decreased even after  twelve years...  I shall drink a toast with my best wine to all those I love who have gone on before, Uncle Bill, my "father" Ed Breuilly, Tom McCloud, Eric Lemieux, Lucy, Harry, Mrs. Rodden, Aunt Nellie, Aunt Margaret, Uncle Jack,  Uncle Harold,Aunt Ann, Aunt Katie, Aunt Sophie, Jimmy Ugorek, Bobby Klepper, Rodney and others whom I miss dearly and ask their blessings for my future as I let go of this year's past mistakes, loss, and pain, which have been numerous...  I shall wish upon the brightest star and let the love of the Universe once again fill my heart... and I shall thank the goddess for the rebirth...

I shall pray for just enough... just enough money to pay my bills, just enough life left to serve my purpose, just enough love to cover the hearts who still need me, just enough joy to share with a stranger, just enough strength to get up one more day, just enough...  just enough...

This makes my 12th year without my beloved Doug...  and my first year totally alone...  I pray this coming year will be less difficult and filled with laughter, love, and prosperity, for me, my family, my friends and all those I love so very much.

Happy Samhain

blessed be

bonnie

"The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience."
Emily Dickenson

A Final Good-Bye

I have been away far too long from working on this blog but so very much has happened over the past almost three months that time has not been something easily captured and of course it is never to be controlled.  However, as the holidays approach and so many changes have occured, both good and bad, the need to write is present and time is being a shy friend today.

On September 2nd of this year I was widowed for a total of 12 years... and yet it still seems like yesterday and I remain as raw and numb as the antarctic winds. With the recent explosion of my family... one that has always been at war with one another in some way and has now found its way at being at war with me... I walked through this day with old friends of Doug's and mine and some of my extended family who have always been aware of the good and the bad and the deep love Doug and I had for one another... since I was 14.

Then on October 17th with the support of my neighbors Dan and Karen and the love of Tom behind me, I made a journey I have been wanting to make for well over 6 years; ever since I took my beloved's ashes up to Oak Creek to set his spirit free; I returned to that special section just outside of Sedona.  I chose this spot as I could not make it out to Doug's beloved ocean and it was a place of love and spirt and a vortex. He so loved the mountains and rivers so...  It was also the place where two of his children... with my deepest blessings.... were married (they each chose great spouses whom I have always loved and considered like my own children). 

I prepared very carefully for this journey... after speaking with family, friends and the therapist I have been working for at the cancer center for over three years now.  I brought my old E-Machine back out (where I have a great many emails from my children regarding their siblings and spouses) and printed out all of them.  I then printed out the recent emails directed at me... as well as IMs and statements made on FB... and put them all together in a folder.  I wrote a letter to my Doug... put on His wedding ring and the pearl ring he gave me so many years ago (one that my sweet Mary replaced the pearl in the year after he died), a picture of his family and grandchildren (I had to get an extra one of for SHY), our favorite wedding picture, and one of Jessie's teddybears... took a spade with which to dig and the scrapbook I had made from my last trip up there with my youngest son James and Betsy and Wayne Silverman... and made our drive to Oak Creek...

Prior to getting there, we stopped at the same grocery where I had stopped on three previous trips up there and bought the red rose and some things for a picnic.., with Karen and Dan came their two precious girls who are like adopted granddaughters to me so there was light and laughter comingled with the great sadness I felt.

Upon arrival we learned that we could no longer drive up to the cabin where we had disembarked when Mary was getting married... and had to park further away.  I am afraid I initially got turned around as to the trail but thanks to Dan who climbed up to a higher level and found the cabin I was seeking we were able to first have a delightful picnic then find out way back down to the proper trail .

It is funny how six years and cancer can make what was once a seemingly short hike seem so very long.  Add to this that a portion of the area had been damaged by fire and it took me a little while to hear the sound of the river although I found the spots where both Douglas and Mary said their vows very quickly.

When James and I spread Doug's ashes upon the creek bed at the very beginning of the creek area six years ago, we had found a huge stone where I initially set things up for the ceremony.  Prior to leaving that day, six years ago, I placed a plaque a photograph, and a talisman between the cracks.. as markers to the place.  After a few misguided turns, I finally found the rock and searching with the spade through the overgrown moss.. I found the remnants of those things... :)   I was at the place where my Doug's spirit had been freed and oh how I felt those huge arms around me.

With Dan, Karen and the girls looking on (Dan photographed so my children may one day look back should they ever decide to), I knelt in the wet soil and proceeded to dig deeply...   once I did so, I placed all of the letters I had copied and the long letter I had written to Doug telling him of all that had happened in the last six years, and about Tom, and about not being allowed to see Jessie any more... about the mastectomy, the rest of the cancers...the great rift between our children and me... and the heaviness in my heart... I wrote another breif card while I was there.. telling him I loved him and to wait for me on Brickyard road... and then I took off my rings... placed them in the hole with the letters and the photos of his family... and buried them all.  On top of this area, I placed another picture of our wedding day... and the teddy bear of his little Jessica.. the only grandchild he ever physically held although I firmly believe he held James Christopher long before any of us ever did.

I knelt at this little "alter" and sang him my version of Brickyard Road... and then asked him to please heal my heart and the hearts of his children.  I told him that I would not marry Tom but that I would continue to enjoy my time with this wonderful man and that I regretted the fact that a lack of reason, trust, and truth.. had led me to this place in life... but I could not make horses drink just lead them to the water.

I also told him that I would not be back to that spot again but that I carried him with me always... and if he could, to please help me understand why he did not want to do healthy things, stop the drugs, and stay with me just a little while longer... I so wanted to stay with him... travel... play... just be together even if but for a little while longer.  I asked him for peace.

I then walked over to the very spot where James and I had emptied Doug's ashes (how I remember running my hands through the soft white powder of what had once been that big strong man) and through petals from the roses in to the running water. Love on the water

So, on what was Doug's 57th birthday, I said one final good bye... I came home that night and felt a peace I had not felt since he left my world 12 years ago.  Things are still very rough here... I had additional surgery for skin cancer yesterday and face a "blood wash" in a week...  I do this now alone as I have been accused of "faking a heart attack" by my youngest (despite the stay in the hospital the tests and the people who I allowed to bring me things I needed being fully aware).. and I have no idea what I am being accused of by others...  but the facts and the truth are in black and white.  I do not let family into my life much any more... not because I do not love them but because I try to protect them AND me...  but again, I cannot make the horses drink; I can only lead them to  the water.

When my time is no more.. and I am far from ready to quit yet, the facts will be there and the truth can be seen... and I hope they will truly seek and find.  Until then... as I have set the spirit of my forever love free... I set them free as well and hopefully my own spirit can find some peace as well.

I am not sure why people in my life have always given me ultimatums of love etc if I do not do things a certain way...  I only know I can no longer walk on egg shells, I have to pursue my health care on MY terms... and I have to move forward being ME... I like the real me...  God willing so will those I love so deeply one day... 

I miss my little piece of sunshine though... and that pain will never go away.


God has other plans though... and we can but follow

God bless.