A Grieving Mother

She told her mother she hated her and wished she was never born.
She didn't even seem to care that her mother’s heart was torn.
She blamed her mother for all of her heartache and pain.
Did she realize emotional abuse can drive even a mother insane?
She said her mother was the reason she never achieved her dreams.
Those words hurt her mother more than to her they may have seemed.
All her mother wanted was her love and her affection.
But all she ever got was her daughter’s constant rejection,
Feeling like a lost child with no one to love.
She prayed to be taken away to the heavens above,
Not knowing why she just wasn't good enough.
Why, when she needed gentleness, was she treated so rough.
Wondering why her existence caused her daughter so much pain,
Longing for her daughter's love she probably would never gain.
Wanting her daughter to tell her she was a blessing,
That she was not the reason for her daughter’s stressing.
If there is an aging woman out there that feels this way,
Struggling to remember she is one of GOD's Angels, and He loves her more each day

Dear Jess

You will be 18 in about a month’s time and beginning your Senior year of high  school. Your birthday is near the beginning of a new year at school; mine was at the end of each school year. I remember when I turned 18. I lived in the small town of Albion NY, was already engaged to your grandfather, and was also enrolled at the University of  Brockport at the same time I was in high school and working as a waitress a Wolcott's Dairy.  Do you have a part time job?

I am hoping you will be going to your senior prom? I know you will be absolutely beautiful! How I wish I had been able to go to mine, but we were too close to a wedding day and your grandfather could not get a long enough leave for us to go.  I saw photos of my friends at the prom though; the first one ever held off campus.  Kind of like the one your grandfather and I helped put on for your Uncle Doug’s 8^th grade prom.  He was voted King that night, and the young lady he had a very big crush on (not the one he took to the prom unfortunately) was voted Queen… it was a great night. I know you will have a magical time as well!

I made several good friends while I was in high school; most of them teachers. From Mrs. Rodden who was also my mentor, to Mrs. Mahoney who was my American History Teacher and whom I wound up teaching her Civics class for in my senior year.  I wonder who your favorite teachers are and who your best friend is?  My best friend was/is Kim Wright Pritt… 

I would often walk home from school alone, and walk along the (sometimes on) the railroad tracks that were very near my home.  No one thought this was odd or dangerous back then.  It was a quiet shortcut and sometimes a train would pass and I would stand back and wonder where it was going.  I still need to take an actual train ride. I remember hoping we would take the one that goes into the Grand Canyon together one day.   Do you drive a car yet?  Are you buying one? 

I was a straight A student back then and even went on to National Honor Society.  I won a small award for my writing which went to pay some of my college fees.  How are your grades?  I saw on the Internet that in 9^th grade you had fantastic grades.  Oh, and I have reports from High school that tell me my spelling and grammar were excellent. I don't know what your spelling is like, for you never write to me. Never send a card or a letter or an email. That's not your fault, I hasten to add. Your parents stopped contact and I wish I truly knew why. I think that in not being allowed a connection with me, we both lose out.

I would love to sit with you and share some of my memories. Even more, I would wish to be able to hear about your life, your times at school, your friends and adventures. I would love to laugh with you and dry your tears. I most especially would like to hold your hand and go for a walk with you again like we used to do so very often. We could hike the Superstition, or go shopping at the Mall… take a ride in to Tucson like we did over six years ago… where you spoke into the cell phone I gave you and said “this is Jessica, almost 12, having a great time.  I thought we had grand times as well.  I have missed those these past six years… more than you will ever know.

I wonder what interests you, now.  Do you still play the violin?  I am starting to learn to play the guitar (used to play piano and french horn)  Do you still want to be a designer?  I remember the dress you made by hand when you were only 10; it was wonderful! I have the picture of it!  Do you read books?  Who is your favorite author?  Do you draw?  Do you write like your mom-mom?  Do you have new pets?  I have three German Shepherds now ( will not get any more).  Ranger, Ruger and the baby is Sniper.  They are my companions and great company!

I used to send you cards and money but was never sure if you received them so I stopped. Did you get any of them?  I so want to send you something for your 18th birthday but... well.  When I see you again one day, I will get you something special!  I never got to give you your bike when you turned 12. 

Do you wonder what I'm like and do we ever do things together in your imagination? I like to hope so.  I still have the photograph of the gingerbread house we made together… it was EXCELLENT and big… and Christmas Eve when you and your cousins just devoured it

On the day your turn 18, you will be old enough to find your own way to see me. Will you do that? I think that if you have any curiosity you will, and then we can both catch up on all those shared times we are missing now. You only have to send me an email or respond to this post and I will send you my address and phone number.

I will be with you on your birthday (the same day your grandfather and I were married) every day until the world ends.   I love you more than yesterday and less then tomorrow.

With much love from Grandmother Bonnie