The inability to open up to hope is what blocks trust, and blocked trust is the reason for blighted dreams.

"I cannot believe that the inscrutable Universe turns on our sufferings; surely the strange beauty of the world must somewhere rest in pure joy" ~ Louise Bogan~

Accepting and blessing our circumstances are powerful tools in the process of true transfiguration. In reality, this potent combination is a spiritual elixir that can work the real miracles in our lives. But what exactly do I see as acceptance? The circumstances the Universe has recently placed me in are showing me that acceptance is actually surrendering to what are my circumstances, my feelings, my problems, my financial status, my work, my health (which continues to deteriorate), my relationships with people, the delay of my dreams and even more difficult the delay of my absolute need to be returned to the individual I once was and was born to be.

Last night, as I prayed for wisdom while gazing at a star filled sky with my sweet little shihtzus sleeping on the patio with me, I realized that before any further change can occur in my life that I have to understand that this is the way it is meant to be right now.For me, this surrender is a journey through the dark night of the soul. It has become the silent scream, the whispered prayer, and the quiet tears. It is chanting over and over and over again "it's all right". It is all right as in "You lead, I will follow". It's all right as in "Everything will turn out right if you just let go and follow because this is, quite simply, such a small part of such a very long journey."

Last night, during that dark night of the soul, there was an epiphany. Suddenly I understand that a great deal of my struggles to remain content despite outside circumstances have actually arisen as I stubbornly resisted what was happening to me in my life at the present moment. True, in many cases that same stubbornness has literally keep me physically alive but spiritually and emotionally it prevented me from true growth in my faith and in the Natural Order of things.

I have learned, albeit slowly, that when I surrender to the reality of the situation - when I don't continue to resist, but truly surrender - a softening in my very soul occurs. Its as if the steam of struggle has been allowed to escape from life's immense pressure cooker. Last night, looking at scrapbooks of me and my granddaughter under a star filled sky we shared so many times, I humbly accepted my circumstances and my true position. and I relaxed.

Last night, I reclaimed my center and finally feel the electrical vibrations alter, the rate of my heartbeat dropping down, and my fear dissipating... i am not at the helm any longer; I never was. Finally, I can once again tap into the boundless positive energy of a Universe NOT hell bent on destruction but on rebirth and creation. Surrender illuminates reality and lights the way to the next step where the Universe is waiting to lead me further.

"Our task is to say a holy YES to the real things of our life as they exist"~ Natalie Goldberg" So yes, this is my battered, bruised, torn apart body that will be rebuilt and made even better so that I may be of greater and longer service... and to give love with for a longer lifetime. This happy space of my granddaughter's is now my the recovery room of my heart, taking me back to a time I never really knew - surrounded by dolls, princesses, fairies, and stuffed animals... all helping to reclaim the little girl in a too soon woman's body. This is where I am to learn special lessons so i can be better ... Where I walk with her in memories of snow, petrified forests, Indian Ruins, horseback rides, swimming pools, and cloud gazing.

I now understand, almost intuitively, that I am now past the Maidens Nubile beauty and the Mother's nourishing breasts have been stripped away from me; never to return. The recent thyroid cancer surgery, skin cancers, liver biopsies and my most recent surgery are turning a once pretty body into a road map of scars. But I know they are battle wounds. I will not regret them further.

I am now entering a new stage... even more vibrant, sensual, beckoning...I am entering that long awaited period of stark individuality - what pagans call the Crone (no do not confuse this with physical age or deterioration of body or spirit) -and in many ways, I feel like a baby; alive and filled with wonder. Taking a stronger hand and walking the path with God. A second birth with the knowledge of my talents, skills, true purpose and, most of all, the limits by which my life will now be lived. I understand. I accept. I surrender.

There are two new books to complete writing (both with waiting publisher). A new Real Estate Business to try to build as I sign on with a new broker. A better place of employment to be found that will be more fulfilling and challenging intellectually. I may not be able to hike or travel much right now, but I believe there will be again. And I know that, if the Universe grants me enough time, there will be laughter to share once more with a special granddaughter (our bond was always strong and love filled)... and maybe even with her mother and uncles and cousins once again.

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

Blessed be.

A BUDDING FLOWER

A BUDDING FLOWER
(For Jessica as she turns 13)

"Child of Moonbeams and starlight" ...
Is how I have described you to others,
My dearest Jessica.

But,
You are now no longer a child,
Nor are you fully grown
(As if any of us is).

How to now regard you,
My granddaughter of thirteen years?

With love, of course.
And gratefulness that
The God and Goddess of the Universe
Blessed my life with your presence.

And with awe,
In observing the inner beauty
That your physical presence reflects.

Not "fully grown ..."
Yet a full, whole person
With dignity, strong intellect
And passions for nature, learning
and laughter

I have observed from life that
All is experience and growth.

You are surely poised, now,
To experience life to the fullest,
And to grow into the great and wonderful woman
Of which you are now the budding flower.

Happy Birthday to the greatest anniversary present your grandpapa and I ever received. Though we may be kept apart for reasons neither of us fully comprehend... you are with me constantly in heart, mind, and soul. I sent you a birthday card and hope you received it. Put 13 dollars inside.. one for each precious year.

Until I see you once again... know Mom-mom loves you always.

The Music Of His Soul

When they were quite small...we presented all of the children with musical instruments... a guitar to our oldest, a drum set to our middle child, and a piano to our youngest on Christmas morning. During the day, we watched in amazement as the children chose "different instruments" then those Santa had given them. The oldest gravitated to the piano and seemed to have a natural inclination to playing it. Our youngest, our only girl, gravitated to the drums and also seemed to be a natural. But what amazed us most is that our middle child, who gravitated to the guitar... excelled. Years later, when he was around 16, he was voted as the second best guitar player in the state of AZ. I hear him always in my mind... playing and singing songs he wrote himself... the music of his soul.

This poem, dedicated to our middle child, will also be found in the new book I am writing... Dancing With the Spirit of Shadowplay

THE MUSIC OF HIS SOUL

My son’s fingers are like a ballerina in dance
The calluses upon his fingers
Similar to the feet of the dancer
His mother used to be
Strumming the string’s
upon his instrument;
his life.
The music is his soul
His mind is captive
The solitude plays in his head
Profound the words
He writes
He becomes the music
which he gives life to
And so the instrument
and the man
become fixated in my mind
It’s a marriage of two
Which become one
His music will forever play on
In my heart and soul.

Wonderment

My current battle with cancer has slowed me down more than I had thought possible (and much more then I am willing to tolerate.) I will be returning for more surgery, tentatively on August 12) if they can get my blood chemistry leveled up correctly; which will probably also help with the extreme fatigue).

However, this enforced quiet time has allowed me more time for memories and writing. Below will be one of the newer excerpts from my upcoming book Dancing With the Spirits of Shadowplay (my last volume of poetry written by a playful shadow). This poem was inspired by a bitter sweet memory of my oldest son when he was five years old and did not return from school in a timely manner. Frightening at the time, we found him (teachers, Novato Police and me searching for him for almost an hour) in a river about 1/4 mile away which was then raging due to the spring storms. With relief co-mingled with fear, I saw him standing in the middle of this river... his blue raincoat around him and the water raging around his knees. At that time, the mother in me (with the police following us), brought him up and chased him home for breaking the rules...)
Later, peaking in at him and his brother, safely asleep in their bunk beds, I remembered how amazing I thought his joy of life and his curiosity was... this is the poem of that wonderment.

WONDERMENT
(For My Son, Doug)

Terrified, I
found him in the rushing creek,
watched him float twigs
down the tiny falls,
across the narrow brook
that led to the raging river.

Always curious and somewhat defiant
He was the teacher of all things wonderful--
smooth stones,
soft mud,
caterpillars,
cold feet in shallow streams.

Through his eyes, I learned how to wonder again
as butterflies, orange and black,
Monarchs of their world
flitted across the path
and songbirds praised the violet sky.

The world welcomed a new spring day.
With tears of gratitude
And I grew young
along the creek,
in that fading evening light,
through the eyes of a boy just turned five.
And the veiled curtain of
Nature's rain....
 

Stay Warm My Children... stay loved.

Exactly one year ago today.. was the last time I saw you...

No child should be lost,
And no child of mine;
Anger railed at
Life's cold shoulder.

Stay warm, my children.
Stay safe.
Stay, loved.

I carried you,
With your brothers,
All at once;
Keeping you tucked inside me,
Sheer gravity trying to steal you
Too soon.
I willed you all to stay
So you could grow
And be well.

Be warm, my children.
Be safe.
Be loved.

Mommies try too hard sometimes.
Daddies turn their backs
Without ever really turning away.
You don't understand,
And if I did, I surely would tell.
I do rail with you,
But my growing age
Makes me ride the waves
While you try to run on water,
And oft times sink.

Draw nigh and be warm, my children.
Draw nigh and be safe.
Draw nigh and be loved.

You need a hand,
But mine is soft
And full of years.
You need something
I can't seem to find.
My eyes are burning;
Still, I won;t let you drown.
Just hold tight.
There is strength waiting for you,
I am always waiting, just ahead!

Choose warmth, my children.
Choose safety.
Choose love.

And the years will pass
Like leaves in the current.
Step there,
My love is a rock;
And will lodge under your feet
For all days.